I realize that what I have been working on is something that is very serious and difficult to discuss. I will always be willing to discuss and to move forward with it. I am not afraid or unwilling to continue. I have always said that I am willing and able to work on this. I am dismayed at some things and must say it. I have high expectations and am willing to express just how much these expectations do impact me. I do expect that others should know what to do and are willing to stand up and do the right thing. Certainly, we have heard of passer-bys that have watched people getting beaten or robbed and have not done anything to prevent or stop the assault from happening. This is not what we should be doing. I do have the expectation that if someone knows you are having a difficult time to be able to get up and assist. But! What are we supposed to do for teaching others to help out. We really do need someone to teach us to be human. I want to teach people how to be compassionate and to understand the human responsibility of what to do.
I am looking back at all the long days that I have had. Yes, there are many things that persist. I was at work today and felt very uncomfortable about a situation. No, no one knows about this situation. You are the first to understand and to read about my situation. Today, while at work, I had to go to another part of a client's home--the garage. I hate this part of the building because it is so cluttered and messy, but very enclosed. The worst thoughts entered my mind and I had a great difficulty in wanting to stay in the room. But, I do recognize that it is an unfounded fear and I will not be subject to such things that would prevent me from being able to complete my job sucessfully or completely. I did linger a little bit and was not going to be stymied about it. I am determined to not have these feelings become so overwhelming that I am not able to complete my tasks. I am bull-headed and stubborn to complete what I have set my mind to do.
I have been willing to look at things much deeper. As I have said, I have access to a room that I have not had for some time. I am looking into a room that has not been lit up well. I can see my baggage and garbage and it is not good. I can see cobwebs and the sort and it is not ok. I do not want to be complacent or to be unwilling to change. I am looking at the garbage bags and want to have them moved and removed from where they are. I realize that I do not need to have a label for each and every one of them. I do realize that I do want to understand that I can have them gone permanently. So, what are they? Could it be possible it is just more aspects of fear? Perhaps. Perhaps it is more. Unforgiveness? Wrongs? Past hurts? Possible and more.
What has this assault done to me? I have seen many years go by and see how the events in my life are impacted by the way that my life has been neglected. Yes, I can say neglected. I have been more diligent to work on the personal issues of my life. Is this easy? No. By any means, NO!! So, this does mean that I have been working on the things that have been making me a challenge. For example, what am I compulsive about? Am I compulsive? I may have another aspect about this, but to look at things with the ability to identify and to overcome. I am an overcomer and I will be able to look at the issues of my life and find the correlants. I am willing and able. I must also be very careful to not be too hard on myself in the process. Physician, heal thyself? Hmmmm
Pushing on. Pressing in. Digging on.
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