A new day is dawning

I wanted to take this opportunity and to comment about what has been going on. This is the beginning of a new year and to look back at what has been going on is so important. This time last year, I was really struggling with being touched and being around a lot of people at one time. This is still some of my issues today, but not as intense. I am looking back at what I used to be and finding out that this is not the same. I am curious--is this because I am less afraid or that others know what I have been through to be able to get beyond what I have had to contend with. I am not sure and I hope that my paradigm will change and continue to be healthy and beneficial to myself and others.

What I have noticed is that the emotions that I have battled are not as rigorous as they used to be. Certainly, chemo had a huge amount of responsibility, but not all of it. I can look back and see that the things that haunted me were very deep and that I needed to take the time to address it and to move along. I have done more than just "move along". I have addressed them and battled each and every one of them. I have addressed the fear of being touched. Yes, this still is an underlying issue for me but it is not something that will cause panic in the mix. I am leary about being touched to some degree, but it does not cause fear and unrest like it did before.

I have addressed the whole aspect of fear. One of the most incidious emotions that a person can leave with is fear. Fear of being told something that you don't want to hear. Fear of someone knowing the darkest things about a person. Fear about entering places that you may not want to go. Fear of the proverbial unknown. I have really addressed these matters. I hate having to look back and see just how much fear that I had existing inside of me; but, the best thing to say is that the fear does not hold me back as it used to. Do I have more inside of me? Yes, I do. I have so many more insecurities that I will be attacking this year and looking forward to overcoming them as well.

I have overcome a huge deal of enclosed spaces. I hate it very much but I am less afraid of it now. I can move around a little bit more. I am very curious if chemo just creates a mess that is not normally there? Just the same, I can feel more comfortable with some circumstances and places. I have been able to use more of my "tools" and have been able to look less compromised. I have to use more self-talk and am looking forward to moving beyond this as a concern.

I do have to say that I am still a little leary about being touched too much. I do guard my back still and am not looking forward to someone wanting to just give me that warm "touch on the shoulder". I am very careful about the new friends at the church not understanding the difficulties that I have had this past year or so. I don't want anyone to share that bit of news with them. It has been a long and difficult trek and I am glad that things are coming along nicely. But, I must say, I feel at times that the whole ordeal could easily be brought back up again if easily compromised. I really do not want to feel compromised. I am glad that PM understands a little more. I am glad that many understand more. What others think really does matter to me. I know that we tell others not to worry about what others might say. For the most part, I hold others' esteem valuable. What I mean by that, is what people that I know that are able to speak into my life. Just the average "Joe Blow"? No. I really do not care about that. But, I do have cares about what I am to be. I am looking forward and not all that behind. I am looking forward to what more I can change and what more I can be.

On a humorous note, PM says that I need to move forward in the pews and slowly move forward to the front. I have existed in the back pews for years and have never really cared to be part of the up-front. I have hidden in the back to do homework or to read or to be distracted from what the sermon was being preached. For years, I did not like the preaching because it was watered down and I could easily get a stronger message at BHW. Ok. That has changed and so now? What? We are going to see, aren't we. And? I was told that I might look good in a dress for Sunday. Hmmmmmm. I have not worn a dress for a long time. But, with my hair growing back and things looking very "butch", I am not sure how I want to venture out with that. I am looking forward to wearing one of my dresses. I think that I would like that. But, I have warn pants and my boots for a long time; I am very comfortable with that. We shall see.

Looking. Pushing. Pressing.