I have to say that I am learning more and more all the time. As I have been looking through my previous blogs, I have been stating that I will be learning more about the anatomy of manay things--a touch, a hug, fear, anxiety and etc. Yes, I am going to be continuing to do so. I am giong to be working on the anatomy of a hug and post it in the blog for everyone. I spoke with PD and he is very pleased to hear that I have been working on the anatomy of a hug. It really is something very awesome when I can look back and see just how far I have come; yet, there is so much more to go. I am excited. I supposed that "excited" is an interesting word to use when it comes to examining the things that haunt me. What tries to control me cannot be exciting; but, I choose to look at this as a positive thing that is not going to destroy me. It is going to be the best thing for me. One aspect of continuing in counseling is meant to be something that brings me to a point where I can make that decision to do one thing or another--I can jump off the precipice or turn around and go back. Well, I am not turning around and running back. I cannot. I am not going to be doing anything else other than jumping off and getting ready to journey into something that is going to challenge me. I do not want to be afraid. I do not want to run away. I want to stand and face my foe. That foe is fear, anxiety and insecurity. I do not want to be that person. I have not been that person for a long, long time. I realize that I have been captive in this for a long time and not realized what has been going on. I am not going to be that person any more. I feel very good in my skin these days. I know that at any time, these things can be stirred up and from that point, a more difficult day. I have been reading about flashbacks and the like. Very strange, but flashbacks are quite normal. It is proposed that the brain is trying to work out the issues and are bringing up the dreams/nightmares to help normalize the trauma. It is proposed that it is the brain's way of healing itself. This is good news! I do not look forward to having this for the rest of my life; however, I am prepared to be able to deal with them in the duration. NO matter what, fear can be healthy and is quite ok. But, fear shall not overtake me. Not like it has happened in the past.
What I am looking forward to is reading a book that I had found. This is going to be a very difficult book to read; but, it is going to be necessary. Resurrection after rape: A guide to transforming from victim to survivor. Written by Matt Atkinson and with contributions from many survivors. There are many awesome contributions in this book. I am looking forward.
I am going to be working things. One thing in particular, is getting the anatomy completed. As I continue to deal with the ideal of my own self-worth and value, I will be pressing forward. Sometimes, as I have noticed, is how I have vocalized my own self-value. I do not say it loudly because there are times that I have not felt it. I do not care for an argument from others with respect to what I see as my own self-actualization. Some things are meant to be wrestled quietly. Some things are meant to be vocalized loudly. Some things are meant to be observed in whatever means possible. As I look at who I am in the eyes of others, I am learning to read their thoughts. I am learning. I am eager to understand more. I realize that the need to be validated is a concern. I am working on that perception.
Looking forward. Pressing on. Looking inward.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Friday, March 23, 2012
Time is no better than this
I know. I must be able to say that I have all the time in the world. I really do not. I have this time and this is the best time. I have been thinking about so much (how can I not) and looking at a new book that I had purchased. It is a great time to look at the time that I have and do not have. I remember what has been said to me "I am proud of you for working so hard on your things". I will never forget that and will be sure to keep this buried deep inside of my heart. That means a lot to me. And, so, I must never stop seeking after what is important. Not because of "I am proud of you" but that it is important regardless.
I purchased a book on the subject of recovering after rape. Sure, it is good to continue to seek more personal information; but, it is equally important to not diminish what had happened. Recovery is where I have been for some time and it is good that I can recognize it for what it is. I had read in the book, too, that flashbacks are just the brain's way of saying that it is time to address the issue of the rape. I have been dealing with this for years and I never did equate it with the "time" issue. It is good time to address these things. This is the time to look at them at to not be afraid. It was also mentioned that it was good to write them down and discuss them so that they are discussed through. I know that I do not want to discuss the complete details here, but I will be discussing them as well. I know that I have talked about many things, but it is important to know how to go beyond. I am in the threshold. I am in the room. I am looking at all the garbage bags. Why is it that we always keep things that we need not to? For some reason, we have to collect bad memories and not forgive. Certainly, there are many reasons to hold onto something--it matches my anger; it matches my hate; it matches the "outfit" that I am wearing. Ok? What outfit am I wearing? Is it flattering to be looking the way that I am? Is it flattering to look the way that I feel? Is it flattering to say the things that I am saying?
Yes, my personal accountability. What is my personal accountability? And to whom do I have it? Why is it that I feel that I have an accountability to act the way that I do? In the book, it says that some may self-medicate from the flashbacks and the difficult dreams and feeling and thoughts. The accountability that is present to change or to do something. I have not self-medicated from these. However, I can understand why someone would. But, I can honestly say that I would not. However, I know that my silence in difficult times can be enough. I choose to be quiet and still and watch my words carefully and wistfully. I choose to be silent and not spill my thoughts out all at one time.
I have accountability. I choose to have accountability.
Looking. Listening. Learning.
I purchased a book on the subject of recovering after rape. Sure, it is good to continue to seek more personal information; but, it is equally important to not diminish what had happened. Recovery is where I have been for some time and it is good that I can recognize it for what it is. I had read in the book, too, that flashbacks are just the brain's way of saying that it is time to address the issue of the rape. I have been dealing with this for years and I never did equate it with the "time" issue. It is good time to address these things. This is the time to look at them at to not be afraid. It was also mentioned that it was good to write them down and discuss them so that they are discussed through. I know that I do not want to discuss the complete details here, but I will be discussing them as well. I know that I have talked about many things, but it is important to know how to go beyond. I am in the threshold. I am in the room. I am looking at all the garbage bags. Why is it that we always keep things that we need not to? For some reason, we have to collect bad memories and not forgive. Certainly, there are many reasons to hold onto something--it matches my anger; it matches my hate; it matches the "outfit" that I am wearing. Ok? What outfit am I wearing? Is it flattering to be looking the way that I am? Is it flattering to look the way that I feel? Is it flattering to say the things that I am saying?
Yes, my personal accountability. What is my personal accountability? And to whom do I have it? Why is it that I feel that I have an accountability to act the way that I do? In the book, it says that some may self-medicate from the flashbacks and the difficult dreams and feeling and thoughts. The accountability that is present to change or to do something. I have not self-medicated from these. However, I can understand why someone would. But, I can honestly say that I would not. However, I know that my silence in difficult times can be enough. I choose to be quiet and still and watch my words carefully and wistfully. I choose to be silent and not spill my thoughts out all at one time.
I have accountability. I choose to have accountability.
Looking. Listening. Learning.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Tenacity ... is there anything else?
I suppose that anyone who knows me can say that I am, at best, very tenacious. Yes, is there anything else? I must say, no. I am tenacious. I have to be tenacious. If I were not, then I believe that my outcomes would not be the same. If I want to attain the goal of wellness, I must be tenacious. This is for my betterment and not for my destruction. However, when I seek for the higher goal, I must be willing to make the trek. I am and will be doing so.
Over the past couple of years, since my diagnosis, I have been working diligently to get to the "spot". I have been working to get into the "door" and am at the threshold. I am glad that I have been focused on this goal and beleive that I have been there many times. What has happened to make things renewed for me to be in this place? I was told something at church. I have seen this before. It was PM who would work for me to hear "I love you". Now, it is PD to say that I am "pretty". Ok. Now I know that I have got to look at myself in a different mirror. Why? Why should I hear that? I suppose I have an issue with my own perception of beauty? Or a perception of my own identity? I have a strong identity; I believe that I have always had a strong identity. So, this is what has me thinking. Am I to fit the mold of someone else's idea of beauty? I know that since my surgery, I have a hard time with the different sizes of my breasts. That really does bother me. The different types of bras and the concern that I will not be able to look good in one of them other than in a sports bra. I hate it. I have been in the store with another person shopping for bras. It hurts that I may not be able to wear the kind of bra I would like without a prosthesis. I do not have one. I am so concerned that others would be able to tell the difference. I suppose that I will be the only person who will be able to tell the difference. But, I wonder. I am determined and so therefore I will not quit until I get some type of response or desired outcome. I want an outcome that is not what I have been told to receive. I want. I will. I am going to do it.
Too, another thing that I have been dealing with are the flashbacks and the thoughts. Some days are harder than others. I hate that I can be having a nice moment and then it is interrupted with something foul. Sometimes, an association can trigger it. Other times a comment or a precarious situation. Other times, I am steady as a rock. But, I have been pressed emotionally and so, things are bound to be surfacing. I have ordered a book as well. I will be reading more about recovery and assocation. I am not a victim any more; I am a survivor. I have not been a victim for a very long time. I am a survivor and have been one for many years. It is very frustrating to understand that much of this got stirred up during chemo. In so many ways, I am glad this happened. There is nothing like having something like this surface after many more years.
So, now, what are my tactics going to be? Well, I have to continue to do as I have been doing. I will continue to watch what I put into the old noggin' and to allow myself leeway on many things. I have to use positive self-talk and to allow my emotions to not be bottled up. I cannot allow these things to stop me from what I know what to do. I will continue to reach out and to continue to see what I know is right. I will continue to move forwrd. I will not allow nightmares to bother me; I know that there are some to come that I will not care for. But, I can do this. I have been doing this. This previous trauma will not stop me.
Pushing. Pressing. Not seeing.
Over the past couple of years, since my diagnosis, I have been working diligently to get to the "spot". I have been working to get into the "door" and am at the threshold. I am glad that I have been focused on this goal and beleive that I have been there many times. What has happened to make things renewed for me to be in this place? I was told something at church. I have seen this before. It was PM who would work for me to hear "I love you". Now, it is PD to say that I am "pretty". Ok. Now I know that I have got to look at myself in a different mirror. Why? Why should I hear that? I suppose I have an issue with my own perception of beauty? Or a perception of my own identity? I have a strong identity; I believe that I have always had a strong identity. So, this is what has me thinking. Am I to fit the mold of someone else's idea of beauty? I know that since my surgery, I have a hard time with the different sizes of my breasts. That really does bother me. The different types of bras and the concern that I will not be able to look good in one of them other than in a sports bra. I hate it. I have been in the store with another person shopping for bras. It hurts that I may not be able to wear the kind of bra I would like without a prosthesis. I do not have one. I am so concerned that others would be able to tell the difference. I suppose that I will be the only person who will be able to tell the difference. But, I wonder. I am determined and so therefore I will not quit until I get some type of response or desired outcome. I want an outcome that is not what I have been told to receive. I want. I will. I am going to do it.
Too, another thing that I have been dealing with are the flashbacks and the thoughts. Some days are harder than others. I hate that I can be having a nice moment and then it is interrupted with something foul. Sometimes, an association can trigger it. Other times a comment or a precarious situation. Other times, I am steady as a rock. But, I have been pressed emotionally and so, things are bound to be surfacing. I have ordered a book as well. I will be reading more about recovery and assocation. I am not a victim any more; I am a survivor. I have not been a victim for a very long time. I am a survivor and have been one for many years. It is very frustrating to understand that much of this got stirred up during chemo. In so many ways, I am glad this happened. There is nothing like having something like this surface after many more years.
So, now, what are my tactics going to be? Well, I have to continue to do as I have been doing. I will continue to watch what I put into the old noggin' and to allow myself leeway on many things. I have to use positive self-talk and to allow my emotions to not be bottled up. I cannot allow these things to stop me from what I know what to do. I will continue to reach out and to continue to see what I know is right. I will continue to move forwrd. I will not allow nightmares to bother me; I know that there are some to come that I will not care for. But, I can do this. I have been doing this. This previous trauma will not stop me.
Pushing. Pressing. Not seeing.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
The steeplechase
What is it that I know? I know so much, yet I do not know. Today, a day that I will remember for some time, felt like a steeplechase. "Over the hills and through the woods [...]" is how I have felt. I had the opportunity to talk to PD. Yes, of all people. We took the time to chat after I had finished with work. With so much going on, just having the time to just shoot the breeze is nice. "Shoot" the breeze. What is it that I must "shoot"? Funny I should say that. As I was talking to him, explaining all the things that have been going on lately is just the thing. It is not easy to discuss things with new people; but, he has been there from the relative beginning. The events and behaviors of my kiddo has been in my immediate forefront. I have been very much so preoccupied with the events of her care. She is in juvie. This is a huge ordeal. But this is not going to be the thing that stops me.
Explaining things today was very interesting. It is good to be able to explain things without heavy emotion. This is very reassuring that the issues and correlations of my life are not so overwhelming to the point of disablement. I am not disabled; I am redefined. This redefinition provides me a hope that I am to hold on to. I like hope. This is a steeplechase. It is a race with ditches, hedges and jumps. Just when I thought that I was about to get into the mix again, I realized that the obstacle course was redefined. I am looking forward to getting the layout of the terraine. It will be good though. It is good for me to be aware of the upcoming events that will cause a new challenge for me and to me. I must be willing to concede on things. But, what will I need to concede? What is it that I know that I must be willing to yield on? I am thinking and taking inventory. Taking inventory is never meant to be anything other than beneficial. What is allowable?
What is allowable? Allowable for what? I am to allow myself many things. I am to allow myself to feel emotion. I am to allow myself to feel toward myself. It is amazing. No one has ever said this to me. I am to permit myself to feel insecure; loved; afraid; desolate; fearful; uncertain; and any other emotion that may arise. Now, I am to allow myself to move beyond and to create an environment of healing and reassurace. I am allowed to give myself over to healing. Strange that it might sound; but, it is true. I am to give the necessary time or opportunity for healing. I look back and see that so many years of burying has happened. This original event happened nearly 20 years ago. It is hard to believe that so many years of pain and hurt were buried so deep within. And I did it to myself. I remember the days of not getting any emotional support and had just decided to get it buried and not to allow the emotion to come forth. I was so wrong. Being emotionally bottled up is not ok. It was not ok then and it is not ok now. But, now? Now so many have seen me cry. The added complexities of chemo did not help.
So, was chemo a blessing or a curse? In some ways, I can say that it was a blessing. I actually can be thankful that so much was dredged up. I needed to have some healing. Someone at work had said to me that she was thankful for the cancer. It made her a stronger person. Yes, I can say that it made me a stronger person; however, it took its toll. I am not sure that I want to say that I am strong because of such an ordeal. I can honestly say that for such a long time, it has been all that I knew. It seemed that I was going through the numbers and they were not good. But, they were. All my numbers were good. All my numbers are good now. Physically and emotionally. They are good and getting better.
Looking. Seeking. Jumping.
Explaining things today was very interesting. It is good to be able to explain things without heavy emotion. This is very reassuring that the issues and correlations of my life are not so overwhelming to the point of disablement. I am not disabled; I am redefined. This redefinition provides me a hope that I am to hold on to. I like hope. This is a steeplechase. It is a race with ditches, hedges and jumps. Just when I thought that I was about to get into the mix again, I realized that the obstacle course was redefined. I am looking forward to getting the layout of the terraine. It will be good though. It is good for me to be aware of the upcoming events that will cause a new challenge for me and to me. I must be willing to concede on things. But, what will I need to concede? What is it that I know that I must be willing to yield on? I am thinking and taking inventory. Taking inventory is never meant to be anything other than beneficial. What is allowable?
What is allowable? Allowable for what? I am to allow myself many things. I am to allow myself to feel emotion. I am to allow myself to feel toward myself. It is amazing. No one has ever said this to me. I am to permit myself to feel insecure; loved; afraid; desolate; fearful; uncertain; and any other emotion that may arise. Now, I am to allow myself to move beyond and to create an environment of healing and reassurace. I am allowed to give myself over to healing. Strange that it might sound; but, it is true. I am to give the necessary time or opportunity for healing. I look back and see that so many years of burying has happened. This original event happened nearly 20 years ago. It is hard to believe that so many years of pain and hurt were buried so deep within. And I did it to myself. I remember the days of not getting any emotional support and had just decided to get it buried and not to allow the emotion to come forth. I was so wrong. Being emotionally bottled up is not ok. It was not ok then and it is not ok now. But, now? Now so many have seen me cry. The added complexities of chemo did not help.
So, was chemo a blessing or a curse? In some ways, I can say that it was a blessing. I actually can be thankful that so much was dredged up. I needed to have some healing. Someone at work had said to me that she was thankful for the cancer. It made her a stronger person. Yes, I can say that it made me a stronger person; however, it took its toll. I am not sure that I want to say that I am strong because of such an ordeal. I can honestly say that for such a long time, it has been all that I knew. It seemed that I was going through the numbers and they were not good. But, they were. All my numbers were good. All my numbers are good now. Physically and emotionally. They are good and getting better.
Looking. Seeking. Jumping.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)