The steeplechase

What is it that I know? I know so much, yet I do not know. Today, a day that I will remember for some time, felt like a steeplechase. "Over the hills and through the woods [...]" is how I have felt. I had the opportunity to talk to PD. Yes, of all people. We took the time to chat after I had finished with work. With so much going on, just having the time to just shoot the breeze is nice. "Shoot" the breeze. What is it that I must "shoot"? Funny I should say that. As I was talking to him, explaining all the things that have been going on lately is just the thing. It is not easy to discuss things with new people; but, he has been there from the relative beginning. The events and behaviors of my kiddo has been in my immediate forefront. I have been very much so preoccupied with the events of her care. She is in juvie. This is a huge ordeal. But this is not going to be the thing that stops me.

Explaining things today was very interesting. It is good to be able to explain things without heavy emotion. This is very reassuring that the issues and correlations of my life are not so overwhelming to the point of disablement. I am not disabled; I am redefined. This redefinition provides me a hope that I am to hold on to. I like hope. This is a steeplechase. It is a race with ditches, hedges and jumps. Just when I thought that I was about to get into the mix again, I realized that the obstacle course was redefined. I am looking forward to getting the layout of the terraine. It will be good though. It is good for me to be aware of the upcoming events that will cause a new challenge for me and to me. I must be willing to concede on things. But, what will I need to concede? What is it that I know that I must be willing to yield on? I am thinking and taking inventory. Taking inventory is never meant to be anything other than beneficial. What is allowable?

What is allowable? Allowable for what? I am to allow myself many things. I am to allow myself to feel emotion. I am to allow myself to feel toward myself. It is amazing. No one has ever said this to me. I am to permit myself to feel insecure; loved; afraid; desolate; fearful; uncertain; and any other emotion that may arise. Now, I am to allow myself to move beyond and to create an environment of healing and reassurace. I am allowed to give myself over to healing. Strange that it might sound; but, it is true. I am to give the necessary time or opportunity for healing. I look back and see that so many years of burying has happened. This original event happened nearly 20 years ago. It is hard to believe that so many years of pain and hurt were buried so deep within. And I did it to myself. I remember the days of not getting any emotional support and had just decided to get it buried and not to allow the emotion to come forth. I was so wrong. Being emotionally bottled up is not ok. It was not ok then and it is not ok now. But, now? Now so many have seen me cry. The added complexities of chemo did not help.

So, was chemo a blessing or a curse? In some ways, I can say that it was a blessing. I actually can be thankful that so much was dredged up. I needed to have some healing. Someone at work had said to me that she was thankful for the cancer. It made her a stronger person. Yes, I can say that it made me a stronger person; however, it took its toll. I am not sure that I want to say that I am strong because of such an ordeal. I can honestly say that for such a long time, it has been all that I knew. It seemed that I was going through the numbers and they were not good. But, they were. All my numbers were good. All my numbers are good now. Physically and emotionally. They are good and getting better. 

Looking. Seeking. Jumping.