Time is no better than this

I know. I must be able to say that I have all the time in the world. I really do not. I have this time and this is the best time. I have been thinking about so much (how can I not) and looking at a new book that I had purchased. It is a great time to look at the time that I have and do not have. I remember what has been said to me "I am proud of you for working so hard on your things". I will never forget that and will be sure to keep this buried deep inside of my heart. That means a lot to me. And, so, I must never stop seeking after what is important. Not because of "I am proud of you" but that it is important regardless.

I purchased a book on the subject of recovering after rape. Sure, it is good to continue to seek more personal information; but, it is equally important to not diminish what had happened. Recovery is where I have been for some time and it is good that I can recognize it for what it is. I had read in the book, too, that flashbacks are just the brain's way of saying that it is time to address the issue of the rape. I have been dealing with this for years and I never did equate it with the "time" issue. It is good time to address these things. This is the time to look at them at to not be afraid. It was also mentioned that it was good to write them down and discuss them so that they are discussed through. I know that I do not want to discuss the complete details here, but I will be discussing them as well. I know that I have talked about many things, but it is important to know how to go beyond. I am in the threshold. I am in the room. I am looking at all the garbage bags. Why is it that we always keep things that we need not to? For some reason, we have to collect bad memories and not forgive. Certainly, there are many reasons to hold onto something--it matches my anger; it matches my hate; it matches the "outfit" that I am wearing. Ok? What outfit am I wearing? Is it flattering to be looking the way that I am? Is it flattering to look the way that I feel? Is it flattering to say the things that I am saying?

Yes, my personal accountability. What is my personal accountability? And to whom do I have it? Why is it that I feel that I have an accountability to act the way that I do? In the book, it says that some may self-medicate from the flashbacks and the difficult dreams and feeling and thoughts. The accountability that is present to change or to do something. I have not self-medicated from these. However, I can understand why someone would. But, I can honestly say that I would not. However, I know that my silence in difficult times can be enough. I choose to be quiet and still and watch my words carefully and wistfully. I choose to be silent and not spill my thoughts out all at one time.

I have accountability. I choose to have accountability.

Looking. Listening. Learning.