Tenacity ... is there anything else?

I suppose that anyone who knows me can say that I am, at best, very tenacious. Yes, is there anything else? I must say, no. I am tenacious. I have to be tenacious. If I were not, then I believe that my outcomes would not be the same. If I want to attain the goal of wellness, I must be tenacious. This is for my betterment and not for my destruction. However, when I seek for the higher goal, I must be willing to make the trek. I am and will be doing so.

Over the past couple of years, since my diagnosis, I have been working diligently to get to the "spot". I have been working to get into the "door" and am at the threshold. I am glad that I have been focused on this goal and beleive that I have been there many times. What has happened to make things renewed for me to be in this place? I was told something at church. I have seen this before. It was PM who would work for me to hear "I love you". Now, it is PD to say that I am "pretty". Ok. Now I know that I have got to look at myself in a different mirror. Why? Why should I hear that? I suppose I have an issue with my own perception of beauty? Or a perception of my own identity? I have a strong identity; I believe that I have always had a strong identity. So, this is what has me thinking. Am I to fit the mold of someone else's idea of beauty? I know that since my surgery, I have a hard time with the different sizes of my breasts. That really does bother me. The different types of bras and the concern that I will not be able to look good in one of them other than in a sports bra. I hate it. I have been in the store with another person shopping for bras. It hurts that I may not be able to wear the kind of bra I would like without a prosthesis. I do not have one. I am so concerned that others would be able to tell the difference. I suppose that I will be the only person who will be able to tell the difference. But, I wonder. I am determined and so therefore I will not quit until I get some type of response or desired outcome. I want an outcome that is not what I have been told to receive. I want. I will. I am going to do it.

Too, another thing that I have been dealing with are the flashbacks and the thoughts. Some days are harder than others. I hate that I can be having a nice moment and then it is interrupted with something foul. Sometimes, an association can trigger it. Other times a comment or a precarious situation. Other times, I am steady as a rock. But, I have been pressed emotionally and so, things are bound to be surfacing. I have ordered a book as well. I will be reading more about recovery and assocation. I am not a victim any more; I am a survivor. I have not been a victim for a very long time. I am a survivor and have been one for many years. It is very frustrating to understand that much of this got stirred up during chemo. In so many ways, I am glad this happened. There is nothing like having something like this surface after many more years.

So, now, what are my tactics going to be? Well, I have to continue to do as I have been doing. I will continue to watch what I put into the old noggin' and to allow myself leeway on many things. I have to use positive self-talk and to allow my emotions to not be bottled up. I cannot allow these things to stop me from what I know what to do. I will continue to reach out and to continue to see what I know is right. I will continue to move forwrd. I will not allow nightmares to bother me; I know that there are some to come that I will not care for. But, I can do this. I have been doing this. This previous trauma will not stop me.

Pushing. Pressing. Not seeing.