Not just coping

I have to say that I am learning more and more all the time. As I have been looking through my previous blogs, I have been stating that I will be learning more about the anatomy of manay things--a touch, a hug, fear, anxiety and etc. Yes, I am going to be continuing to do so. I am giong to be working on the anatomy of a hug and post it in the blog for everyone. I spoke with PD and he is very pleased to hear that I have been working on the anatomy of a hug. It really is something very awesome when I can look back and see just how far I have come; yet, there is so much more to go. I am excited. I supposed that "excited" is an interesting word to use when it comes to examining the things that haunt me. What tries to control me cannot be exciting; but, I choose to look at this as a positive thing that is not going to destroy me. It is going to be the best thing for me. One aspect of continuing in counseling is meant to be something that brings me to a point where I can make that decision to do one thing or another--I can jump off the precipice or turn around and go back. Well, I am not turning around and running back. I cannot. I am not going to be doing anything else other than jumping off and getting ready to journey into something that is going to challenge me. I do not want to be afraid. I do not want to run away. I want to stand and face my foe. That foe is fear, anxiety and insecurity. I do not want to be that person. I have not been that person for a long, long time. I realize that I have been captive in this for a long time and not realized what has been going on. I am not going to be that person any more. I feel very good in my skin these days. I know that at any time, these things can be stirred up and from that point, a more difficult day. I have been reading about flashbacks and the like. Very strange, but flashbacks are quite normal. It is proposed that the brain is trying to work out the issues and are bringing up the dreams/nightmares to help normalize the trauma. It is proposed that it is the brain's way of healing itself. This is good news! I do not look forward to having this for the rest of my life; however, I am prepared to be able to deal with them in the duration. NO matter what, fear can be healthy and is quite ok. But, fear shall not overtake me. Not like it has happened in the past.

What I am looking forward to is reading a book that I had found. This is going to be a very difficult book to read; but, it is going to be necessary. Resurrection after rape: A guide to transforming from victim to survivor. Written by Matt Atkinson and with contributions from many survivors. There are many awesome contributions in this book. I am looking forward.

I am going to be working things. One thing in particular, is getting the anatomy completed. As I continue to deal with the ideal of my own self-worth and value, I will be pressing forward. Sometimes, as I have noticed, is how I have vocalized my own self-value. I do not say it loudly because there are times that I have not felt it. I do not care for an argument from others with respect to what I see as my own self-actualization. Some things are meant to be wrestled quietly. Some things are meant to be vocalized loudly. Some things are meant to be observed in whatever means possible. As I look at who I am in the eyes of others, I am learning to read their thoughts. I am learning. I am eager to understand more. I realize that the need to be validated is a concern. I am working on that perception.

Looking forward. Pressing on. Looking inward.