I have been thinking quite a bit here lately. That is a good thing. I was thinking of my insecurities and how I feel I am handling them. How am I handling them? Well, I have been compensating as I usually do. I am looking forward to getting my bubble challenged so I can test the waters again. Yes, I am a nut. I want to be challenged. I want to get to a point where I do not feel as awkward and so separate from others.
What am I feeling insecure about? Yes, the touching matter is something. I have not been to church in several weeks. I have been working and very tired so I have not been able to get out there. I have been so concerned that I am so awkward that I have been keeping away from people. With all the things going on in my home, I have been very careful not to be getting into the way of others. I do not want to be rude or ignorant in my ways. I have been so blunt and my hurt and pain is very real and I do not want anyone asking me about what is going on in the home. So, I have been keeping my distance. I am noticing that I am enjoying my distance and I need to be very careful to not be too far away. This comfort is good for a time, but I have to be careful about it lasting too long. I like my distance, but too much is not healthy. Then, I worry. I worry about doing the wrong thing. There are times that worry can be overwhelming; so, I find a focal point and press in from there. I have worried about so many things of this past year or so. I worry about what others have thought of me; but, most importantly, always doing the wrong thing. So, I pull away before someone can say anything to me. But, I do find that focal point.
Distance has always been an issue for me. I like my distance. I like to keep a strong and healthy distance from others when I am feeling a little on the edge. Simply put, I like to keep a certain distance when I am grumpy and full of all kinds of emotion. Not many do understand where I am coming from and so I am very careful about not pressing it too much with some people. But, distance also lets others know that I am not doing ok. Distance allows others to know that I do need some help. Strange that it might sound; I like others to know how awkward that I do feel and how important it is to have someone just draw near. This is the internal battle that happens. It is not easy to overcome, but it does occur. I do overcome.
Touching is always a certain aspect of angst for me. I know that I will have this issue for some time. This is something that I cannot push to get cleared. This is an emotion that must be respected. There is much wrapped up in this. There is anxiety and some panic. I do recognize that. I would have to be a fool to not recognize this. I have worked very intently to recognize this within myself. I have looked enough. And, I have equally come to the conclusion that a reasonable amount of progress has been made to see that all is well in this area. It is tough. It gets tougher some days because of the challenges that do occur. Yes, I have challenges and it will get better. They have been improving. It is not all lost.
On another time, I will be discussing the anatomy of a hug. I have been saying this but I will be putting my thoughts together and placing them down. In order for me to do that, I must be examining the whole aspect of what it means to get close and to experience the aspect of human touch. It can be done. It will be done.
Looking forward. Seeking within. Touching.
No comments:
Post a Comment