I always say, "I am reminded". I suppose that it is a great way of an introducation. I would like to say "I am reminded". Some things that I am reminded of are not always the most interesting or exciting. Some memories are just all that much more intoxicating. I have been taking the opportunity to share and educate one of my pastors regarding my assault/rape. To say it myself is not as harmful but when I hear someone else say it makes it all that much more brutal. I can say that I am more comfortable about saying it and hearing it. The aspect of the assualt has become easier to discuss. I am glad.
This upcoming week, I plan on discussing this with the associate pastor of my church. Why? Because they should know how to take care of people like myself. I have been a very intensive person for care during this time. So many have tried to talk to me and with an incredible response. With this in mind, it is very cetain that palliative care be an issue. Taking the time to chat with my pastor about the assault will be both needed and necessary. It is good that he has decided to want to listen. What is very kool is that he feels that it is good that I do share. I have told him that it has become much easier to share and that it is quite necessary to share. This is part of the healing process that does not allow me to be captivated by a dirty secret of my past. Rape is difficult to discuss. It is not only a violation of of the individual, but a crime against a person in the most arcane way. The abusers are equally important to be concerned about. These people have, for some reason, lost their ability to restrain themselves. Their violent nature has been created and fostered to grow through so many life experiences. For my abuser, I believe, was triggered through growing concerns of impotency. A previous girlfriend had become pregnant with his child and she had aborted the pregnancy. Since then, the rage and anger was unchecked and he needed to be able to move on to some healing. Instead, his behavior grew and created more victims. Sure, I do understand that this was not the only situation that had arisen to create the rage. It was a catalyst. These catalysts must not be overlooked. Did I understand this before? No. Was this rape my fault? No. Unfortunately, it was something that happened. Now, it is my choice. I must seek my own mental health or choose to hide and allow this to overcome me. As you can see, I have chosen for it not to consume or overtake me. With incredible cost, I chose to share and to educate people about what happens to us. Unfortunately, my sharing comes through the battle of cancer. I had never imagined that I would be sharing all of this because of my cancer. But, here I am. I am priveledged to be able to share this with anyone who will read this. These words do not come easy, but they do come for the benefit of others.
I am confident about many things right now; one thing, for certain, is that no matter what the day is, I will not give up. I will continue to press forward and press in with respect to wellness. I suppose that many might be confused about this. Can a person regain their thoughts and self-concept after all of this? Yes. I am living proof that it is possible. I choose to move forward. I have the choice about running and hiding. While these things have been going on, I have wanted to hide. I have wanted to be left alone. There are days, yet, that I would like to just abandon all within me and to hide. But, that is only a temporary thought and I am working to move forward and to press in once again. I continue. If I can, you can too. It is possible to get that success. See you there.
Pressing in. Pushing forward. There again.
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