I do have to say that today was one of the most illustrious days that I have had in a very long time. I was courageous and shared again. I had told PD about my rape. Yea, to say that makes me really feel an emotional twist in my gut. He had taken me to lunch and he had said, so "tell me your story". Ok. That was a different way of putting it--"my story". Well, uh, it goes like this ... sure. Like I want to just reminisce. But, I did. I did open up and share. But, this is going to be a little more on the adult side of the blogs. We did discuss the forceable oral ... what do I call it? In this conversation, I was careful to not go some places. But, PD had pressed and drew out the conversation. I have to say that it was not the easiest conversation. But, quite necessary. It is getting easier to discuss this.
It as asked. When thsi aspect of the "relationship" was there, was there ever any function of me being the recipient of the oral sex? And to think about it, that was the aspect of the victimology--it was always about him. Certainly, did I ever want him to really offer that to me? NO! Not that mutual sexual experiences aren't satisfying, but that speaks volumes about the nature of the abuser. It is all about them. It is about their gratification. It is about them and only them. And for this person, the inability to perform sexually was the central issue. Despite the multiple times that I had said no, it always ended up in the same way. If I were to get out of the vehicle (which was where this always happend), I had to perform. How uncomfortable to discuss this; but, like I did say. This is very important to discuss. When I looked at him to discuss this, there was something that I was looking for. I am not sure that I had found it; I know that it was not as difficult. It was not easy; do not misunerstand me. It was very diffcult. But, the impact of what was said was not like it was when I had allowed PM to read my blog at the very beginning. This blog, for the most part, has served a very good purpose. I have discussed many things. But, details have been vagued. Today, these details are more defined and less vague. I would like the reader to understand what the importance of all of this to be. There are many of us out there with many sorts of issues and we all need you to be there to lend that ear or hand. We all are responsible for taking care of each other. Do take care.
I was asked many things. I was vague and then the questions were asked. Was there sex in the relationship? A couple of few times. But, that was not consistently. I had grown to be very ashamed at the prospects of having sex with him. Then later, things became more violent and more compromised. As I have said toward the beginning of this blog, he was becoming impotent. So, his need to be sexually active was growing. Patience was not an ability that was exercised. Restraint was something not addressed. Need was the main component. There was an unmet need and so he took every opportunity to get what he wanted. The relationship was never about reciprocating emotion. It was never about reciprocating comfort. It was solely about taking what was wanted by any means necessary. That is the center of violence and of rape/assault. It is not just assault. It is the violation of someone else's will. That was what had happened. There was no respect or perception of taking into consideration that the one that you are with was to be protected and cherished. The relationship was not healthy. For certain. When respect is gone, then there is an open season on violence. It mattered little to him. All that was wanted was what could be done for him and to him.
There is nothing worse than having to sit there and feel like you need to just perform. When PD asked, it was very diffuclt to express. But, I am available to answer the questions. I knew that the questions were to be asked and then from there to be ansswered. It is different when I use the word "rape". It is another matter when someone else uses the word. It is as though it really confirms that this horrible act really did exist and it is really the nightmare.
Certainly, there were aspects of the conversation that did not happen. I am glad that I did not have to explain how things were considered to be "forceable". Plain and simple. My head was held down. Today, I do not care for anyone to touch my head. I prefer if someone is to ask if I can be touched. When I am being prayed over, I prefer to be asked if they can touch me. That is appropriate for any person; but, for me, it is quite necessary. Too, I want to emphasize that I am not looking to continue this behavior; I am merely learned to identify it and to work through it as gingerly as possible for long lasting changes. Some things must be taken care of slowly and with caution. I have read that some of these behavior are life-long and seldom change. But, I disagree. I have also read that some outcomes of rape are sexual permiscuity, alcoholism, and other substance abuse. I have never engaged in that. For whatever reason why, it is uncertain. Is it my faith? I would like to think so. Is it my very will and the fact that I do not have an addictive personality disorder? Perhaps. But, I know that I have not had to include substance abuse to the mix from this horrible deed.
I have to say that I have gone into a realm that I am not familiar with. I have shared something with someone that I have not been certain to share with. I was very careful about the audience and I was proven that I had a listening and compassionate ear. I was not all that prepared for the personality in PD that would press in to ask such questions. No harm no foul? I am not sure that I could ask that and amply respond favorably. I do believe that no foul occurred. No harm? Now, I am worried about the fallout. How will I be perceived after this bit of information? How will I be treated now that this is known? I hope with nothing changed.
This has been a very mature conversation. This is something that is not easily shared, but needful. We out to think about how we treat one another. We should not be engaged in relationships that are harmful or possibly threatening. This is for both men and women. When I was askd if this was a mutual thing--if I had had oral sex upon me, I was shocked. Think about the manner of lead in the relationship. Think about how balanced the relationship is. I know that I was ashamed. I know that my guilt runs deep. I know that my anger towards myself has been a lasting and long standing issue. But, I know that my GOD is good and that I have really overcome quite a bit.
It is time to keep moving foward and know what is behind and what continues to lay behind.
Pressing forward. Looking beyond. Remembering what is.
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