There is much more to share with respect to all of this. Always. Regardless the content, I am working toward sharing and expressing my thoughts to the best of my ability. Continuing has been difficult in many aspects; I have been feeling the crunch of it all. But, as I have indicated in prior posts, I will not be deterred from this. It is far to important to me to not.
14. People who have been raped often find ways to prevent or "stuff" their emotions about what happened. Some people use drugs or alcohol, some may cut or hurt themselves, some have sex frequently with person they don't love, some become violent and "tough." What different behaviors have you used to stop your emotions about rape?
When I had read this, I had to literally stand in the mirror. When this had happened, I would cry, walk, and talk to other people about my difficulties. But because I was not understood or I had perceived that I was too intense or too much for people, I said that I would just keep it to myself and work my inner complexities myself and with the LORD. Sure, I would speak to JC time to time about things. But, I never had anticipated that I had so much hidden deep inside of me. I chose perfection. I chose to work hard on everything inside of me. I chose to make myself a better person by taking the time to take the time. What does that mean? I went to school. I continued to work on my goals and dreams and I continued to work on being so insecure and worried about what others thought of me. Frankly, I did not particularly care. I rationalized quite a bit and from there, just continued to not let outside things bother me.
I have never drank, done drugs, cut, or any self-injurious behavior. Perhaps working a lot was the issue. Then my kiddo came along and I had no to little choice about what I was supposed to be doing. I worked on me. But, along the way, I stayed to myself. I have not dated for a very long, long time. I had no intention of dating or cared to. I had been married twice before and from that point, said that I did not want to date anymore or to have any more men that I could not choose well with. "I do not have a good picker." My greatest deficit is that I have not dated. I have chosen not to and I do not plan to do so any time soon. Perhaps it has been lonely; but, I have chosen not to be close to another man. I have chosen not to be engaged in any relationship. I have never really thought of myself other than "slightly damaged goods" and so I have never anticipated being part of a relationship. PD had said to me that when this is all over, perhaps I might want to find someone to hold hands with. "No!" I emphatically said. If the reason why we are discussing this was because I would only be complete by having a "husband", then it is not for me. Then our conversations would be done and I would continue this walk of the journey by myself. Oddly enough, it seems that I will be chosing to do such.
The different behaviors that I might want to change from there is to be more open and inviting to others. As I look back, I have been inviting and welcoming, but I have been very staunch in the same regard. I have been working very hard on just being focused. I remember when I was dating A. This was in 1997 and I really had fallen for him. But, I was being taken advantage by him. I worked hard and he liked my rig, my income and liked to party. I took care of the bills and want-not. But, this is the issue. I would be attracted to men that were not attracted to me. At times, I have felt that I was "poor-white trash" when I was a single parent fighting with everything in me to stay afloat of bills and the kiddo. Then, I filled out paperwork for college and from there, ... well, here I am. I had said that I would never go through that again and he was the last person that I had dated. I have not dated since. It has been nearly 20 years since I have dated anyone. I just do not want to take any chances. The events of my life have been quite complicated and I simply do not want to add another person to the dynamics of my life. I would not find that fair. I have not prayed to have a husband nor do I care to ask about one. It is just not right or fair.
How can I change my emotion about the rape? For me, it happened 20 years ago. The behaviors that I am so accustomed to must be carefully picked at. I am not on an emotional hunting expedition; rather, I am looking forward to changing some behaviors that I know are very deep seated for me. The touching issue, for one. I also look forward to being able to be in a room with others without feeling so closed in. I will be working on that.
15. What question do you wish you could answer to yourself about your rape?
Why. I know this may seem quite common, but why? Why did this have to happen. I trusted him. And because of that, I do not trust being in a room with another man or by myself with another man or to trust my emotions with another man. I would like to know why this had to happen? Why is it that I could not stop this? Why was it that I just would not walk away? Now, I feel like this with PD and PM. Why is it that I just cannot walk away? This is much different. But, why is it that I just could not walk away? Why is it that I would go out in the car with him, hoping and believing that the date would go much better, hoping that the events of the night would not lead up to forced oral sex and then just get better? Why is it that I could not stop what was going on? Why is it that I would not just get out of the vehicle and ask for help? Why is it that this had to happen? Now, I do not trust what is going on with many. I do not open up and I do not allow myself to be placed in a situation where things could change. I simply do not trust. Now, with PD saying that he is here for me and "watching my back," I simply do not trust this. It is scary as all can be. Why? I do not want to continue and I am afraid of what is going to be coming up for me. I am afraid of doing this alone, but this has always been my concern. Doing this alone. I did not want to do chemo alone and for the most part, I have. I did not want to do any of this by myself and I have. What choice have I? Certainly, I cannot ask anyone to walk along with me. Not on this journey. No.
There are more questions to be asked. I will wait till the next time I post. I am getting quite emotional at the moment. I am concerned for one thing. I am concerned that I will be doing the next leg alone. I have been working very hard to figure so many events out and I have figured out two things: I am wondering about causes and I am wondering about how this has changed others who have said they would help. PM, for example, has been so changed in all of this. I have hated this tremendously. I believe that vicarious trauma has occurred. I believe that he has been injured in all of this--my diagnosis, chemo, radiation, the rape trauma, the kiddo. What else? What else can happen? I really do not want to think about it. I am concerned about so many things with respect to telling anyone else about my rape. Whenever the word "RAPE" is being used, it sends so much of a message to others. I do not want others to know about this. The only thing that I hear is "you need therapy." Ok. That is not why I have told you. That is not why I brought it up. The first thing that anyone says to me is: "have you gotten counseling". Well, I do not want to tell anyone if they look at me only as somone constantly in need. That just makes me not want to have anyone touch me all over again. If I am that disgusting to you, please, just stay away from me and do me a favor. DO NOT TOUCH ME! But, that will not do. I do not want to bring any more attention to myself than that which has already been done. I am working on one profound journey now. I do not want any attention drawn to me for the rape and I have to accept this walk again as my own.
I have accepted the fact that I have lost PM and now, I am willing to cut PD loose. I do not want to risk any more. This is something that I have been battling for some time. Since the death of my Deacon, my support system is lost. Or, I have perceived it to be lost. The widow, N, has a lot to be focusing on for herself. PM refuses to respond to me for anything and, he too, has lost a very important part of the church. PD has family in town and I am allowing this to be very quiet. I have expressed that he must be with family first before me. I cannot demand anything of his time. But, in this time, I have been thinking. PD does not believe that I have lost PM. In fact, PM has told me that all is "kool". But, this is before the death of D. Now, I think that this is just too much. What am I to believe? If I were to send him an email or to send him a text, it would not be responded to. What am I to think? How am I to proceed? What am I missing? Should I continue? I do not believe that I will continue. I must be brave and courageous about all of this. I must continue despite the odds.
Pushing on. Pressing in. Continuing despite the odds.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Saturday, September 22, 2012
I shall not be faulted for continuing
While I have been reading this book, it has brought quite a bit of emotion up. I have been getting into the heart of matters and the ones that have been walking with me are getting tired. So, there is a point that will come when walking alone is going to come. But, it is ok. I know that I am strong enough to deal with some times when there is no one to be alongside. It is ok. I will not be afraid when I continue and I will not be faulted for wanting to continue. Sometimes, this may not be the most common thing to do; but, it is the right thing to do. Never give up. Never allow personal conflicts to stop you from doing what is right. Stay true to that course and never let outside events deter you from doing what is right. I will not. I will not be stopped and I will continue despite the course it takes me.
Today, I have felt quite alone. I have been wanting to call and speak to N but realize that her life is now in more turmoil than mine. Then, I feel quite a bit selfish. I wanted to talk to PD but personal events have it that he is unavailable. I wanted to talk to PM but that is no longer an option. Despite what I have been told, I do not believe that it is ever going to be an option. This past two years has tired him. Can I be faulted for this? I wrote a letter to KCM for some greater understanding. I hope that this will be far more clearer. I have been praying. In the meantime, I will continue with the questions. I will not allow conflict to prevent me from doing what is right.
12. If you've ever felt guilty or blamed yourself for the rape, what kinds of self-blaming thoughts have you had?
I have blamed myself for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I have blamed myself for knowing better. I have blamed myself for allowing such a thing to happen. When I have shared this with others, some have said some very rude things to me. PD had said to me, whether it was humorously or not, "just get over it, girl". That was not ok. Since that time, I have been very careful about what I do share with him. I have shared this with others, but conditionally. I do not like to share what has happened to me because I think of what others might think of me. I hate what I think of me. The difficulties that I have in enclosed places; the nightmares; the flashbacks that bring on strong emotion; the not caring or wanting to be touched. There is so much. There are so many things that I contend with that I hate. I do not care for it all and at times the burden is more than I would like in a day.
For the most part, the most self-blaming thoughts that I have had has been being in the same vehicle with him. I went back to the same thing again and again. Why did I do that? I see his body part all the time. I do not like that. For anything, I hate the words that he used and the forceful oral sex. I remember that the most. The rape was just the icing on the cake.
The comments that were made before, during and after all of this has made me feel small and incomplete as a woman. I abhor what has been done and feel like things will never be better or for me to get over things all that much. I feel as though I have merely accepted what has been done and that no matter what time has gone by, it will always be with me. I hate that it is with me.
13. Why do you think victims of rape tend to blame themselves and feel guilty for rape that someone else did to them?
I am not sure how to answer this question. This is something that I have not been able to get over. I hate that I have blamed myself. Victims of rape and other violent crimes do have high self-blame. Blaming themselves for knowing better or for not being able to walk away or to not be involved. But, for myself, I had always thought that I was able to protect myself. I cannot protect myself from everything. I cannot protect myself from events that may come my way. I cannot protect myself from others who might want to harm me. But, I can protect myself from what I know I can change.
I know that I have been blamed for what had happened to me. It is not my fault? I did not ask for this. I trusted and my trust was broken. Actually, it was shattered. So, now, I do not trust my emotions as well as trust my own thoughts. I know that I do not trust what others may say to me at times. But, one thing for certain is that I am not sure how to answer this question. This question is packed with quite a whallop. Someone did something wrong to me and there is not reason why it should have been done. It was the illness in him that created this transferrence of emotional baggage. This was not my fault. I know that my guilt is heavily based from being in a place where I should not have been. But, why is it that I cannot forgive myself? I was in a place doing something that I should not have been doing; but, it went further than what I had expected. It went violent and surreal. This is not ok.
I remember one thing that he had said during this. He had commented about how we women teased him. I wonder if he had done this to someone else. I remember that he had gotten his other girlfriend pregnant and she ended the pregnancy with an abortion. I wonder if he had raped her too. I wonder. I have always wondred about that. I do not remember her name or what she looked like.
I know one thing. I have to get through this. I have to be able to get past this guilt and shame over what had happened. To live with this guilt and shame is more than what I can handle at times. But, to talk to PD and PM? PM? No. Not any more. PD? I wonder.
Pushing in. Pressing on. Continuing despite.
Today, I have felt quite alone. I have been wanting to call and speak to N but realize that her life is now in more turmoil than mine. Then, I feel quite a bit selfish. I wanted to talk to PD but personal events have it that he is unavailable. I wanted to talk to PM but that is no longer an option. Despite what I have been told, I do not believe that it is ever going to be an option. This past two years has tired him. Can I be faulted for this? I wrote a letter to KCM for some greater understanding. I hope that this will be far more clearer. I have been praying. In the meantime, I will continue with the questions. I will not allow conflict to prevent me from doing what is right.
12. If you've ever felt guilty or blamed yourself for the rape, what kinds of self-blaming thoughts have you had?
I have blamed myself for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I have blamed myself for knowing better. I have blamed myself for allowing such a thing to happen. When I have shared this with others, some have said some very rude things to me. PD had said to me, whether it was humorously or not, "just get over it, girl". That was not ok. Since that time, I have been very careful about what I do share with him. I have shared this with others, but conditionally. I do not like to share what has happened to me because I think of what others might think of me. I hate what I think of me. The difficulties that I have in enclosed places; the nightmares; the flashbacks that bring on strong emotion; the not caring or wanting to be touched. There is so much. There are so many things that I contend with that I hate. I do not care for it all and at times the burden is more than I would like in a day.
For the most part, the most self-blaming thoughts that I have had has been being in the same vehicle with him. I went back to the same thing again and again. Why did I do that? I see his body part all the time. I do not like that. For anything, I hate the words that he used and the forceful oral sex. I remember that the most. The rape was just the icing on the cake.
The comments that were made before, during and after all of this has made me feel small and incomplete as a woman. I abhor what has been done and feel like things will never be better or for me to get over things all that much. I feel as though I have merely accepted what has been done and that no matter what time has gone by, it will always be with me. I hate that it is with me.
13. Why do you think victims of rape tend to blame themselves and feel guilty for rape that someone else did to them?
I am not sure how to answer this question. This is something that I have not been able to get over. I hate that I have blamed myself. Victims of rape and other violent crimes do have high self-blame. Blaming themselves for knowing better or for not being able to walk away or to not be involved. But, for myself, I had always thought that I was able to protect myself. I cannot protect myself from everything. I cannot protect myself from events that may come my way. I cannot protect myself from others who might want to harm me. But, I can protect myself from what I know I can change.
I know that I have been blamed for what had happened to me. It is not my fault? I did not ask for this. I trusted and my trust was broken. Actually, it was shattered. So, now, I do not trust my emotions as well as trust my own thoughts. I know that I do not trust what others may say to me at times. But, one thing for certain is that I am not sure how to answer this question. This question is packed with quite a whallop. Someone did something wrong to me and there is not reason why it should have been done. It was the illness in him that created this transferrence of emotional baggage. This was not my fault. I know that my guilt is heavily based from being in a place where I should not have been. But, why is it that I cannot forgive myself? I was in a place doing something that I should not have been doing; but, it went further than what I had expected. It went violent and surreal. This is not ok.
I remember one thing that he had said during this. He had commented about how we women teased him. I wonder if he had done this to someone else. I remember that he had gotten his other girlfriend pregnant and she ended the pregnancy with an abortion. I wonder if he had raped her too. I wonder. I have always wondred about that. I do not remember her name or what she looked like.
I know one thing. I have to get through this. I have to be able to get past this guilt and shame over what had happened. To live with this guilt and shame is more than what I can handle at times. But, to talk to PD and PM? PM? No. Not any more. PD? I wonder.
Pushing in. Pressing on. Continuing despite.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Things that continue to change
So much has been going on this past week that has left me a bit somber. Last weekend, one of my most favorite of persons died unexpectedly in his sleep. He was my Deacon. He and his wife were strong support for days that I had had strange days. They were support to me regarding my kiddo and prayed with me when I was having flashbacks and the like. I am very sorrowful right now. I have been thinking about this for several days. Today, it has culminated to this point. I am somber because of the loss and do not know how to express myself in the duration. I am not sure who to express myself because so many in the church have lost a good friend and companion. I do not feel as though I have the right to be anything other than silent and reserved. I am grieving as well. I miss having them around and to be able to rely upon their laughter and support. I feel so selfish. I have only really gotten to know them this past couple of years while so many have known them for nearly 30 years. But, my feelings are just the same. I am hurting and I know that these long days will pass. As I continue to move on to my daily events, I will have some challenges and there will be days where they are lonely. But, I know that there will be days yet to come that will be very fulfilling and full of life and excitement.
I want so much for the days to come quickly and with a lot of enjoyment to follow. In the meantime, it is so hard. When I call and I just want to hear a soothing voice and it will not be there for some time. I feel so needy and inconsolable at this point. But, I know that it will pass. It is part of the grieving process. I feel angry as well. Angry that he is gone, but more angry that I am so angry. I should not be. I do not have a right to be. But, I do. I do not want to share these thoughts out-loud for someone to hear in fear that I might be judged harshly.
I will continue on despite the loss. I must express compassion and love during this time.
Pushing on. Pressing in. Continuing despite.
I want so much for the days to come quickly and with a lot of enjoyment to follow. In the meantime, it is so hard. When I call and I just want to hear a soothing voice and it will not be there for some time. I feel so needy and inconsolable at this point. But, I know that it will pass. It is part of the grieving process. I feel angry as well. Angry that he is gone, but more angry that I am so angry. I should not be. I do not have a right to be. But, I do. I do not want to share these thoughts out-loud for someone to hear in fear that I might be judged harshly.
I will continue on despite the loss. I must express compassion and love during this time.
Pushing on. Pressing in. Continuing despite.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Continuing another moment
For so long, I have been working on many of my personal goals and inner complexities. I can feel so much of me being "adjusted" inside. Where do I begin?
To tell someone about all the events that have been going on inside would make someone cringe. Yes, these things have happened and I am working through the changes that have happened to me because of it. I am not certain when they changed, but they did. It was inevitable. I will be continuing with the questions. I will be continuing with the reason why things have changed.
Let us continue.
8. How did your rape make you feel about yourself as a person?
I suppose this is what I have been working with all this time. When I was raped, as hard as it is to say the word, I was numb. I was numb at the fact that I had had this thing happen to me. I was caught in a whirlwind of emotion at how this person was going to just continue on with what he did. I was looking to find some time of emotion that would explain what had just happened. I have already expressed that I felt dirty, but that is not good enough to explain. I think that shock is the best word that I can use to explain what I was feeling. Sometimes today, I feel that same shock and amazement that something like this could happen to me. I remember those feelings very well. I can say that I felt reduced. I did not feel like me anymore and I had to find a safe place to be to process what I was thinking. I was living with my Aunt and Uncle at the time and I knew that if I had tried to explain what had happened to me, I would have been judged for being in a place where I was not supposed to have been "unsupervised". I knew that I did not want to tell anyone what had happened to me because of judgement. I did not want to think of what had happened.
I remember feeling such an emotional slam that I could not figure things out. I cannot remember if I drove myself home or if he drove me home. It was a long distance from his house. I just cannot remember.
I can say that I felt disappointed with myself. How could I have allowed this to happen? I felt angry with myself. I had been placed in a position of vulnerability and I had lost the battle. I have blamed myself for a very long time. This was not an act of sex; it was a violent crime that had happened to me and had been kept secret for far too long.
Yes, I can say that I felt dirty. I felt that I would never gain my self-respect back and that it was forever changed.
9. How is your rape affecting you as a person right now?
This is an ugly question. This has affected me for many, many years and in so many ways. One thing that I have hated the most is not like being touched. I have never been a one that likes to be overly fondled or touched. I do not like my back rubbed and I do not care for anyone to rub my shoulders. I do not know when that started. I do not like how that makes me feel.
I am not a one to trust that much. I do not like enclosed spaces. I do not like going into rooms with a lot of men in there. It makes me feel very uncomfortable. I do not like being placed in scenarios that forces me to make overt actions. I do not like being placed in a position where my fight or flight responses are triggered. I am more apt to be more aggressive now. I am more prone to being outspoken. I am more prone to avoid people and places and stick to myself. There are more things that I do not care to discuss than what I would normally; but, for the most part, I am more careful about where I go and places that I go to.
I have been married and divorced after the rape. I have not been with a man for nearly 14 years and care not to be remarried again. I do not find sex to be rewarding or comforting like it used to be. I find it just a means for a man to have a release and then to get off. I have not found any opportunity to find pleasure in the touch of a man. I am not a lesbian either. I do not care much for the aspect of "being comforted". Though there are times I ache so much to be comforted and there does not seem to be any way to be comforted. It seems that comfort is a luxery that I cannot afford. I long to be just held until it is all better; but, it does not come and it is not available. There are times that I just want this to go away and pretend that it never happened. I am tired of talking about all of this and I am tired of constantly looking at it. But, it is the center of my life at this point and I need to get it worked out.
10. What do you wish people knew or understood about the rape so that they could help you now?
I hate that this happened. I hate that it makes me feel distant from others and different. I hate that this has created a new identity for me and that I wish that others could see that there really is someone really neat inside of me. I wish they could understand that the trauma from all of this does not make me a bad person. I would like them to know that the trauma has created a person with real behavior changes and that it is nothing that I chose or choose to live in. I wish they understood the nature of trauma so that they would not press the issue that I need to be "hugged" and made to feel much better. I wish I could make people understand that this is just like anything else--a broken finger, broken leg or etc. It will mend and it will take time; but, not to press it. I do know what to do and to trust that I can do it. But, to allow me to have my bad days and my good days and to not look at me like I am nuts or some type of freak that needs special attention. I do need special attention at times, but that is like any other illness. I am not different than the other person. I wish others understood the clinical side of the trauma to understand that this will stay with me for a long time. There is no reason it has to haunt me for the rest of my life; but, it has changed me.
I want people to be able to read material and do some homework just like I have. I would like them to make an effort about what it is that this thing has done to me. I do not want to have to explain things all the time. I wish that I could just be reassured that someone understands.
11. What is the scariest thing about talking or writing about the rape?
People knowing. I think that it is quite simple that when people know about it, then they have a responsibility to do something. Writing and talking about it makes it more real and brings back the potential of a lot of flashbacks and thoughts. I do not want the judgement. I do not want to be worried about the shame and guilt that has been laid in my heart and sould all of the years. The judgement of what has happened. Sexual assault/rape is an act of aggression and is used to overpower a woman. The person who rapes chooses to create harm. It is not an accident. I was not an accident. I hate the aspect of facing all of this again and again and again without the trained person to be able to guide through. This person would not have unreal expectations in the healing process. I hate that this is a lifelong battle. I know that it does not have to be. When I tell people about the rape, I run the risk of someone not understanding and treating me as though I was just making too much out of what had happened. This can potentially separate me from that person. If I perceive that it is going to change my relationship with that person, then I just walk away from it all. I do not want someone to think less of me because of the rape. And somehow I feel that they do.
For the time being, this is where I am going to leave you with. There has been a lot said here and there will be several more questions to come. These are not easy questions but very intense. I know that I have discussed them before, but I plan on discussing more.
It does get better. I must remind myself.
Pressing in. Pushing on. Getting better.
To tell someone about all the events that have been going on inside would make someone cringe. Yes, these things have happened and I am working through the changes that have happened to me because of it. I am not certain when they changed, but they did. It was inevitable. I will be continuing with the questions. I will be continuing with the reason why things have changed.
Let us continue.
8. How did your rape make you feel about yourself as a person?
I suppose this is what I have been working with all this time. When I was raped, as hard as it is to say the word, I was numb. I was numb at the fact that I had had this thing happen to me. I was caught in a whirlwind of emotion at how this person was going to just continue on with what he did. I was looking to find some time of emotion that would explain what had just happened. I have already expressed that I felt dirty, but that is not good enough to explain. I think that shock is the best word that I can use to explain what I was feeling. Sometimes today, I feel that same shock and amazement that something like this could happen to me. I remember those feelings very well. I can say that I felt reduced. I did not feel like me anymore and I had to find a safe place to be to process what I was thinking. I was living with my Aunt and Uncle at the time and I knew that if I had tried to explain what had happened to me, I would have been judged for being in a place where I was not supposed to have been "unsupervised". I knew that I did not want to tell anyone what had happened to me because of judgement. I did not want to think of what had happened.
I remember feeling such an emotional slam that I could not figure things out. I cannot remember if I drove myself home or if he drove me home. It was a long distance from his house. I just cannot remember.
I can say that I felt disappointed with myself. How could I have allowed this to happen? I felt angry with myself. I had been placed in a position of vulnerability and I had lost the battle. I have blamed myself for a very long time. This was not an act of sex; it was a violent crime that had happened to me and had been kept secret for far too long.
Yes, I can say that I felt dirty. I felt that I would never gain my self-respect back and that it was forever changed.
9. How is your rape affecting you as a person right now?
This is an ugly question. This has affected me for many, many years and in so many ways. One thing that I have hated the most is not like being touched. I have never been a one that likes to be overly fondled or touched. I do not like my back rubbed and I do not care for anyone to rub my shoulders. I do not know when that started. I do not like how that makes me feel.
I am not a one to trust that much. I do not like enclosed spaces. I do not like going into rooms with a lot of men in there. It makes me feel very uncomfortable. I do not like being placed in scenarios that forces me to make overt actions. I do not like being placed in a position where my fight or flight responses are triggered. I am more apt to be more aggressive now. I am more prone to being outspoken. I am more prone to avoid people and places and stick to myself. There are more things that I do not care to discuss than what I would normally; but, for the most part, I am more careful about where I go and places that I go to.
I have been married and divorced after the rape. I have not been with a man for nearly 14 years and care not to be remarried again. I do not find sex to be rewarding or comforting like it used to be. I find it just a means for a man to have a release and then to get off. I have not found any opportunity to find pleasure in the touch of a man. I am not a lesbian either. I do not care much for the aspect of "being comforted". Though there are times I ache so much to be comforted and there does not seem to be any way to be comforted. It seems that comfort is a luxery that I cannot afford. I long to be just held until it is all better; but, it does not come and it is not available. There are times that I just want this to go away and pretend that it never happened. I am tired of talking about all of this and I am tired of constantly looking at it. But, it is the center of my life at this point and I need to get it worked out.
10. What do you wish people knew or understood about the rape so that they could help you now?
I hate that this happened. I hate that it makes me feel distant from others and different. I hate that this has created a new identity for me and that I wish that others could see that there really is someone really neat inside of me. I wish they could understand that the trauma from all of this does not make me a bad person. I would like them to know that the trauma has created a person with real behavior changes and that it is nothing that I chose or choose to live in. I wish they understood the nature of trauma so that they would not press the issue that I need to be "hugged" and made to feel much better. I wish I could make people understand that this is just like anything else--a broken finger, broken leg or etc. It will mend and it will take time; but, not to press it. I do know what to do and to trust that I can do it. But, to allow me to have my bad days and my good days and to not look at me like I am nuts or some type of freak that needs special attention. I do need special attention at times, but that is like any other illness. I am not different than the other person. I wish others understood the clinical side of the trauma to understand that this will stay with me for a long time. There is no reason it has to haunt me for the rest of my life; but, it has changed me.
I want people to be able to read material and do some homework just like I have. I would like them to make an effort about what it is that this thing has done to me. I do not want to have to explain things all the time. I wish that I could just be reassured that someone understands.
11. What is the scariest thing about talking or writing about the rape?
People knowing. I think that it is quite simple that when people know about it, then they have a responsibility to do something. Writing and talking about it makes it more real and brings back the potential of a lot of flashbacks and thoughts. I do not want the judgement. I do not want to be worried about the shame and guilt that has been laid in my heart and sould all of the years. The judgement of what has happened. Sexual assault/rape is an act of aggression and is used to overpower a woman. The person who rapes chooses to create harm. It is not an accident. I was not an accident. I hate the aspect of facing all of this again and again and again without the trained person to be able to guide through. This person would not have unreal expectations in the healing process. I hate that this is a lifelong battle. I know that it does not have to be. When I tell people about the rape, I run the risk of someone not understanding and treating me as though I was just making too much out of what had happened. This can potentially separate me from that person. If I perceive that it is going to change my relationship with that person, then I just walk away from it all. I do not want someone to think less of me because of the rape. And somehow I feel that they do.
For the time being, this is where I am going to leave you with. There has been a lot said here and there will be several more questions to come. These are not easy questions but very intense. I know that I have discussed them before, but I plan on discussing more.
It does get better. I must remind myself.
Pressing in. Pushing on. Getting better.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)