Continuing another moment

For so long, I have been working on many of my personal goals and inner complexities. I can feel so much of me being "adjusted" inside. Where do I begin?

To tell someone about all the events that have been going on inside would make someone cringe. Yes, these things have happened and I am working through the changes that have happened to me because of it. I am not certain when they changed, but they did. It was inevitable. I will be continuing with the questions. I will be continuing with the reason why things have changed. 
Let us continue.

8. How did your rape make you feel about yourself as a person?

I suppose this is what I have been working with all this time. When I was raped, as hard as it is to say the word, I was numb. I was numb at the fact that I had had this thing happen to me. I was caught in a whirlwind of emotion at how this person was going to just continue on with what he did. I was looking to find some time of emotion that would explain what had just happened. I have already expressed that I felt dirty, but that is not good enough to explain. I think that shock is the best word that I can use to explain what I was feeling. Sometimes today, I feel that same shock and amazement that something like this could happen to me. I remember those feelings very well. I can say that I felt reduced. I did not feel like me anymore and I had to find a safe place to be to process what I was thinking. I was living with my Aunt and Uncle at the time and I knew that if I had tried to explain what had happened to me, I would have been judged for being in a place where I was not supposed to have been "unsupervised". I knew that I did not want to tell anyone what had happened to me because of judgement. I did not want to think of what had happened.

I remember feeling such an emotional slam that I could not figure things out. I cannot remember if I drove myself home or if he drove me home. It was a long distance from his house. I just cannot remember.

I can say that I felt disappointed with myself. How could I have allowed this to happen? I felt angry with myself. I had been placed in a position of vulnerability and I had lost the battle. I have blamed myself for a very long time. This was not an act of sex; it was a violent crime that had happened to me and had been kept secret for far too long.

Yes, I can say that I felt dirty. I felt that I would never gain my self-respect back and that it was forever changed.

9. How is your rape affecting you as a person right now?

This is an ugly question. This has affected me for many, many years and in so many ways. One thing that I have hated the most is not like being touched. I have never been a one that likes to be overly fondled or touched. I do not like my back rubbed and I do not care for anyone to rub my shoulders. I do not know when that started. I do not like how that makes me feel.

I am not a one to trust that much. I do not like enclosed spaces. I do not like going into rooms with a lot of men in there. It makes me feel very uncomfortable. I do not like being placed in scenarios that forces me to make overt actions. I do not like being placed in a position where my fight or flight responses are triggered. I am more apt to be more aggressive now. I am more prone to being outspoken. I am more prone to avoid people and places and stick to myself. There are more things that I do not care to discuss than what I would normally; but, for the most part, I am more careful about where I go and places that I go to.

I have been married and divorced after the rape. I have not been with a man for nearly 14 years and care not to be remarried again. I do not find sex to be rewarding or comforting like it used to be. I find it just a means for a man to have a release and then to get off. I have not found any opportunity to find pleasure in the touch of a man. I am not a lesbian either. I do not care much for the aspect of "being comforted". Though there are times I ache so much to be comforted and there does not seem to be any way to be comforted. It seems that comfort is a luxery that I cannot afford. I long to be just held until it is all better; but, it does not come and it is not available. There are times that I just want this to go away and pretend that it never happened. I am tired of talking about all of this and I am tired of constantly looking at it. But, it is the center of my life at this point and I need to get it worked out.

10. What do you wish people knew or understood about the rape so that they could help you now?

I hate that this happened. I hate that it makes me feel distant from others and different. I hate that this has created a new identity for me and that I wish that others could see that there really is someone really neat inside of me. I wish they could understand that the trauma from all of this does not make me a bad person. I would like them to know that the trauma has created a person with real behavior changes and that it is nothing that I chose or choose to live in. I wish they understood the nature of trauma so that they would not press the issue that I need to be "hugged" and made to feel much better. I wish I could make people understand that this is just like anything else--a broken finger, broken leg or etc. It will mend and it will take time; but, not to press it. I do know what to do and to trust that I can do it. But, to allow me to have my bad days and my good days and to not look at me like I am nuts or some type of freak that needs special attention. I do need special attention at times, but that is like any other illness. I am not different than the other person. I wish others understood the clinical side of the trauma to understand that this will stay with me for a long time. There is no reason it has to haunt me for the rest of my life; but, it has changed me.

I want people to be able to read material and do some homework just like I have. I would like them to make an effort about what it is that this thing has done to me. I do not want to have to explain things all the time. I wish that I could just be reassured that someone understands.

11. What is the scariest thing about talking or writing about the rape?

People knowing. I think that it is quite simple that when people know about it, then they have a responsibility to do something. Writing and talking about it makes it more real and brings back the potential of a lot of flashbacks and thoughts. I do not want the judgement. I do not want to be worried about the shame and guilt that has been laid in my heart and sould all of the years. The judgement of what has happened. Sexual assault/rape is an act of aggression and is used to overpower a woman. The person who rapes chooses to create harm. It is not an accident. I was not an accident. I hate the aspect of facing all of this again and again and again without the trained person to be able to guide through. This person would not have unreal expectations in the healing process. I hate that this is a lifelong battle. I know that it does not have to be. When I tell people about the rape, I run the risk of someone not understanding and treating me as though I was just making too much out of what had happened. This can potentially separate me from that person. If I perceive that it is going to change my relationship with that person, then I just walk away from it all. I do not want someone to think less of me because of the rape. And somehow I feel that they do.


For the time being, this is where I am going to leave you with. There has been a lot said here and there will be several more questions to come. These are not easy questions but very intense. I know that I have discussed them before, but I plan on discussing more.

It does get better. I must remind myself.

Pressing in. Pushing on. Getting better.