While I have been reading this book, it has brought quite a bit of emotion up. I have been getting into the heart of matters and the ones that have been walking with me are getting tired. So, there is a point that will come when walking alone is going to come. But, it is ok. I know that I am strong enough to deal with some times when there is no one to be alongside. It is ok. I will not be afraid when I continue and I will not be faulted for wanting to continue. Sometimes, this may not be the most common thing to do; but, it is the right thing to do. Never give up. Never allow personal conflicts to stop you from doing what is right. Stay true to that course and never let outside events deter you from doing what is right. I will not. I will not be stopped and I will continue despite the course it takes me.
Today, I have felt quite alone. I have been wanting to call and speak to N but realize that her life is now in more turmoil than mine. Then, I feel quite a bit selfish. I wanted to talk to PD but personal events have it that he is unavailable. I wanted to talk to PM but that is no longer an option. Despite what I have been told, I do not believe that it is ever going to be an option. This past two years has tired him. Can I be faulted for this? I wrote a letter to KCM for some greater understanding. I hope that this will be far more clearer. I have been praying. In the meantime, I will continue with the questions. I will not allow conflict to prevent me from doing what is right.
12. If you've ever felt guilty or blamed yourself for the rape, what kinds of self-blaming thoughts have you had?
I have blamed myself for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I have blamed myself for knowing better. I have blamed myself for allowing such a thing to happen. When I have shared this with others, some have said some very rude things to me. PD had said to me, whether it was humorously or not, "just get over it, girl". That was not ok. Since that time, I have been very careful about what I do share with him. I have shared this with others, but conditionally. I do not like to share what has happened to me because I think of what others might think of me. I hate what I think of me. The difficulties that I have in enclosed places; the nightmares; the flashbacks that bring on strong emotion; the not caring or wanting to be touched. There is so much. There are so many things that I contend with that I hate. I do not care for it all and at times the burden is more than I would like in a day.
For the most part, the most self-blaming thoughts that I have had has been being in the same vehicle with him. I went back to the same thing again and again. Why did I do that? I see his body part all the time. I do not like that. For anything, I hate the words that he used and the forceful oral sex. I remember that the most. The rape was just the icing on the cake.
The comments that were made before, during and after all of this has made me feel small and incomplete as a woman. I abhor what has been done and feel like things will never be better or for me to get over things all that much. I feel as though I have merely accepted what has been done and that no matter what time has gone by, it will always be with me. I hate that it is with me.
13. Why do you think victims of rape tend to blame themselves and feel guilty for rape that someone else did to them?
I am not sure how to answer this question. This is something that I have not been able to get over. I hate that I have blamed myself. Victims of rape and other violent crimes do have high self-blame. Blaming themselves for knowing better or for not being able to walk away or to not be involved. But, for myself, I had always thought that I was able to protect myself. I cannot protect myself from everything. I cannot protect myself from events that may come my way. I cannot protect myself from others who might want to harm me. But, I can protect myself from what I know I can change.
I know that I have been blamed for what had happened to me. It is not my fault? I did not ask for this. I trusted and my trust was broken. Actually, it was shattered. So, now, I do not trust my emotions as well as trust my own thoughts. I know that I do not trust what others may say to me at times. But, one thing for certain is that I am not sure how to answer this question. This question is packed with quite a whallop. Someone did something wrong to me and there is not reason why it should have been done. It was the illness in him that created this transferrence of emotional baggage. This was not my fault. I know that my guilt is heavily based from being in a place where I should not have been. But, why is it that I cannot forgive myself? I was in a place doing something that I should not have been doing; but, it went further than what I had expected. It went violent and surreal. This is not ok.
I remember one thing that he had said during this. He had commented about how we women teased him. I wonder if he had done this to someone else. I remember that he had gotten his other girlfriend pregnant and she ended the pregnancy with an abortion. I wonder if he had raped her too. I wonder. I have always wondred about that. I do not remember her name or what she looked like.
I know one thing. I have to get through this. I have to be able to get past this guilt and shame over what had happened. To live with this guilt and shame is more than what I can handle at times. But, to talk to PD and PM? PM? No. Not any more. PD? I wonder.
Pushing in. Pressing on. Continuing despite.
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