So much has been going on this past week that has left me a bit somber. Last weekend, one of my most favorite of persons died unexpectedly in his sleep. He was my Deacon. He and his wife were strong support for days that I had had strange days. They were support to me regarding my kiddo and prayed with me when I was having flashbacks and the like. I am very sorrowful right now. I have been thinking about this for several days. Today, it has culminated to this point. I am somber because of the loss and do not know how to express myself in the duration. I am not sure who to express myself because so many in the church have lost a good friend and companion. I do not feel as though I have the right to be anything other than silent and reserved. I am grieving as well. I miss having them around and to be able to rely upon their laughter and support. I feel so selfish. I have only really gotten to know them this past couple of years while so many have known them for nearly 30 years. But, my feelings are just the same. I am hurting and I know that these long days will pass. As I continue to move on to my daily events, I will have some challenges and there will be days where they are lonely. But, I know that there will be days yet to come that will be very fulfilling and full of life and excitement.
I want so much for the days to come quickly and with a lot of enjoyment to follow. In the meantime, it is so hard. When I call and I just want to hear a soothing voice and it will not be there for some time. I feel so needy and inconsolable at this point. But, I know that it will pass. It is part of the grieving process. I feel angry as well. Angry that he is gone, but more angry that I am so angry. I should not be. I do not have a right to be. But, I do. I do not want to share these thoughts out-loud for someone to hear in fear that I might be judged harshly.
I will continue on despite the loss. I must express compassion and love during this time.
Pushing on. Pressing in. Continuing despite.
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