Yesterday, I had the most important conversation with one of the managers of the clinic. She told me that both the two of the administrators of the clinic are "colleagues" of hers and she wanted to know if I was expecting a phone call from either one ... absolutely not. I have already voiced my concerns and they are not being taken seriously regarding my request to move providers. It has been quite the battle here of late to request anything and to expect my request to be taken seriously. For years, I have been doing this all on my own. I had not taken any consideration what being a cancer patient would entail. From the time that my first oncologist dropped me, I had not idea what taking care of myself would be. I had nothing to base it upon; but, I am an astute learner. I had no idea what was waiting for me and the battle that I would have to engage in for me to understand what taking care of myself would mean.
Yesterday, I explained the story of what I have been experiencing and for what I would be enduring for the name sake of what the Doctor would not be doing. Since July of 2019, I have been reading and studying about my labs. But, from 2014 when I was told that I had slipped through the cracks, I have been studying and researching on my own. I have had to review my A&P and to be better at understanding what I have been enduring. I have had to study what may some day kill me and to be quite determined to push through the burden of emotion that I have had to wage through. Too, not having anyone to discuss matters with has been even more -- angering and upsetting for doing this by myself. Because of that, I am a Breast Cancer Navigator through what I do online and I am very proud of that myself. I am pushing and working to do more. I have had to explain to myself about what I am going through, my emotional burden and my own emotional regulation. At work, I do not tell anyone about my cancer journey. And from this point, I am determined not to explain anything to my medical oncology team about what I am going through. This includes my Naturopath. My history with these two providers is not good and I will do my best to keep everything quiet just as I do at work. I will do my best and to ensure that I do not reveal anything. While this is everything that I work against, I must continue without waiver. I must do as I must.
I have still yet to hear back regarding the response to move providers. If I cannot move providers, I will remain quiet and will manage my own. I will request to have my labs and letrozole as normal. For anything else? I will remain silent. This is not defeat but just my strategy. I am looking forward to wellness and strength and at times, we need to be willing to approach in silent retreat.
I am strong. I am willing to be more determined and am willing to stand upon what I need to in order to be.
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