How am I doing?

For the most part, I am fine. I have been distracted with many things and this has been very good. I am looking at things these days with a different perspective. While my cancer treatment continues and time has been moving along, I am looking at ease of mind and ease of issues. However, I do realize that there are some issues within that may be stirred up that might rear its ugly head. I am working on a directive just the same. I am working on moving into a place that is uncertain for me. I am moving into a place that is a little more solitary and to continue on with the journey to find some more educationa and classes regarding this ordeal.

As I have been understanding myself, I am looking at being my own post-rape care. I have not been able to really put my finger on it, but I have now. I must look to my own post care. I am not afraid of doing this. But, I am very concerned, yet, for PM. I have to say that I am uncertain as to say with regards to him. PM is a unique individual who internalizes many things. What are his objectives? What are my objectives? What objectives should I be holding in all of this? I know how I am doing. I am working diligently on the issues at hand to overcome but most importantly, to understand why I feel the way that I feel.

I am the survivor of sexual assault. This is not easy to overcome but it is easier to say. I know that I will be overcoming much because I have thus far. This includes being able to come out and say what I need to say with respect to the deeds that have been done. What has been created in me has been done so out of a very selfish act. This act created much trouble for me and for the things that should have been addressed a long, long time ago. I am very proud to say that I have been working diligently on the matters at hand with respect to the things that plague me. I am plagued, but I am victorious just the same. The issues of being touched are not the same; the feelings I experience when I am in a room that is too enclosed or encroached upon are not the same; the overall feelings and overwhelm when some men are around persist. But, I know that I am not alone. I have been thinking of the day that I was invited to PM's for a last minute BBQ. I had wanted some coffee and had gone to the wrong door. That was a little overwhelming for me. Then I had realized where to enter. I had gone inside and there PM was offering the coffee. He had stepped back from me and at that point made me feel all that much more uncomfortable. I really do not know if I would ever do the same thing again. It is wrong to be that overtly different because of what I have been through. I need ongoing support. I do not need to be feeling different or separate from others. I do not want others to know what has happened to me. But, they do. Too many know what has been going on. I plan on really keeping a close eye on me and my personal behavior with hopes that things will extinguish. I am looking forward to more healing. So, what do I do in the stead? By asking for ongoing support, does that perpetuate matters? No! It certainly does not. Actually, asking for ongoing support means that it is just that much closer to healing and not being that separated person from the crowd. I am looking forward to that. See you there!

Pushing on. Pressing in. Seeing you there.

What I am thinking of

While I am listening to many things this morning--the sound of the rain and one of my most favorite songs--I am thinking of what my dreams are. I am thinking of the things that I want and what might be holding me back. I wonder about what my future has in store for me with all these changed places in my heart. I wonder about my insecurites and my fears and how they might hinder me from wanting and feeling successful. I know that I can. I know that I want to be. I know that I must. I know that I am understanding more and more what my "new normal" is going to be. I am feeling what permission I have within me that will allow me to accept this new idea(l) for myself and then to move accordingly. What am I? Who am I?

I know who I am not. I know that I am not going to allow this all to bother me again and again. I know that there will be days where I may not feel all that successful but I know that I am. As I seive through all of my thoughts and feelings, I know that I will be able to move beyond and to get through this muck and mire. I know that I will be successful! I have no choice. Sure, I could sit in my room, in the dark and just pull the covers over my head. But, really, I cannot. I am not made that way. I know that I am made to be bold and I know that I will be loud. I know that I cannot be turned down to allow for things to be said and done in my stead. With that said, I am moving on!! Do I really have any choice about what I need to do? No. Not really. Certainly, I could just not move forward, but what would that do? That is not me.

What am I to say then? I am saying that I am tired of being treated differently. I was told last week that I needed someone to talk to. Yes, I have someone to talk to. But, what was I doing with PM? Dancing? We were talking but PM does not understand that I have been. I am trying to keep things from him and to keep things moving along. I talk to JC and that is good enough for the time being. There are many things that are said that I listen very intently to. I have heard one thing twice now. I will listen to it a third time and I know that it is time to do something else. But until then, I will not be listening to it again.

So I feel my emotions over some things want to vacate. I am ready and yet, I am not. There is a certain comfort to keeping emotions at a bay as well as people at a bay. It is time to test waters and to get moving forward with other things. Am I ready to sit in the back row again? No. Am I ready to move forward to the middle row? Not quite sure. Am I ready to sit in the front row? Seriously do not think so!!! But, whatever I must do, I will do that. No matter what. I will be pushing forward and testing the waters. I must be ready to expect the emotional upset. I hate the emotional upset, but it is terribly imporant to do so.

I think that I am ready. After experiencing the MRI? I have a choice and I must push forward despite the upset.

Pushing. Thinking. Being ready.

Adding to the mix

I know that things are to be much different after this walk with cancer, but I have to say that I know more and more that I am having issues with claustrophobia. While I can handle rooms and spaces, there are some areas that I must stay away from altogether. But, today I had an MRI scheduled and the things were just horrible. I had forgotten my valium and had to reschedule things. I did express to PM that this fear that I have will be addressed. I did express to him as well that I wanted him to look at me differently. I hate it when I am looked at in a strange way. This is not my imagination. I am able to handle many things, but the looks that I get from him are just a little off. I would like to be looked at differently. I want to be looked at not as a "client" but rather another person just having a difficult time. These looks that I have gotten from him are just so annoying. I hope that a day will come when he looks at me with more than just pity. No, I do not see loathe but just pity. I do not want pity. I want to be respected and just guided through all of this. He must learn or he will not be a good leader. I am looking forward to him being a leader and not just someone watching what is going on.

I want more than just what I am getting now. I want to be able to just get around and to be more successful than what I am now. I am fighting. I am winning. I am more than an conqueror and more than just a survivor. I am alive!!!

Pushing. Pressing. Hunting.

This is truly what I know

This I truly know. I am certain that I am feeling these feelings all over again. N calls them being insecure. Sure, if this is what it is then I am insecure. No, I am very secure. But, I know what I feel and I know that I do not care to share my thoughts and feelings with others. I have to be careful about who I share them with. But, I have to say, I am feeling like I do not want to be touched again. These feelings come in waves at times and all I want is to focus on what I need to do. This drives me nuts. I am feeling the loss of my other G and I am experiencing the loss of a close friend. I suppose that I am feeling a little more retreated for my emotional protection. I do not want to be compromised by anyone who may not completely understand my thoughts and my misgivings without being judged. Yes, I have been judged quite a bit and I am not in the mood for having that occur again. I know what I want and I know what I need to do to complete it. I must be stronger than I have ever been.

I am looking at the prospect of another surgery. This has my touch-o-meter on the fritz. I am feeling a little compromised but I need to keep things under wraps like I have done before in times past. I need to keep myself guarded again and be sure to take it easy and not get overwhelmed at things. This should not be a difficult thing. I have done this before and I am do this again. I am not looking forward to be cornered. I can do this.

Some of the tell-tale signs are still with me. I am working hard to not let them out and let them take over again. Not wanting to be touched is no big deal. I have to be willing to touch to let others not feel or suspect things. Funny how I say that. It is easier to touch than to be touched. How do I get around this with PD and PM? So, how do I get around this with N? She is a toucher now. Ireally do not want to be part of it all at this point. I really do not care to be around a whole lot of people right now. Even more so, Ihave noticed that if there are some forms of rejection, my emotions get more challenged (of course) and then I retreat a little more. I feel retreating. I need to make it look a whole lot less of what it is. Yea, I will be putting up a good fight and facade. Hoping that I can do this.

Pushing. Pressing. Facade.

Things that are really bothering me

I know that I have said on many occasions that things are bothering me. Well, some things persist. I realize that my ability to be touched is changing and I am glad of that. It is still there though. It is deep down and there are times that I just do not want to try; but, I do. Then, I try to put it out of my head. But PM. This is still a large issue. I have been wanting to have a conversation and to share some things that I would love to get past. I know that it would be healing for me. But, I am very must so scared. How do I say such things and manage to keep my head to myself?

So, the added issues of the building is bothering me. A wall has been put up in the building and it is very confusing to me. The changes are different. I do not like the wall and find it to be very challenging to my feeling of space. But, in the same regard, the wall was done very well. So, I am looking at why my feelings are the way they are. Why do I not like the wall? I hate the wall being there. I hate what the wall represents to me. It is a hindrance and represents being boxed in. Sure the sound system is much better and things actually look more like a sanctuary of sorts. But, I have to sit outside in the back area to survive. This represents to me "I can't". Strange to say. It feels like I cannot be free. It feels like I cannot be able to move around like I want to. It makes me feel as though I cannot feel uninhibited. This makes me feel boxed in and it prevents me from escaping. With this wall, it seems that I have to go through more to get out. I have this overwhelming feeling that I cannot get out; much like a maze. I hate mazes.

I am looking forward to some better days. Looking back, I can see just how far I have come. I can say, I am not afraid to express myself anymore. I am not worried about what others may feel or think. I have seen some very difficult days and I have felt very awkward in the sight of others. But, I am not willing to share a whole lot with others. I must be careful about what I show, express and reveal. I remember very well the feelings of being left in "outer Mongolia" and without any ways of feeling rescued. I am very thankful for PM. Extremely. I can honestly say that I feel very at ease about some things. Others? Well, not so sure. I really want to share, but I do not know how to express without causing any damage.

I will try very soon.

Placing. Pushing. Pronouncing.