What I am thinking of

While I am listening to many things this morning--the sound of the rain and one of my most favorite songs--I am thinking of what my dreams are. I am thinking of the things that I want and what might be holding me back. I wonder about what my future has in store for me with all these changed places in my heart. I wonder about my insecurites and my fears and how they might hinder me from wanting and feeling successful. I know that I can. I know that I want to be. I know that I must. I know that I am understanding more and more what my "new normal" is going to be. I am feeling what permission I have within me that will allow me to accept this new idea(l) for myself and then to move accordingly. What am I? Who am I?

I know who I am not. I know that I am not going to allow this all to bother me again and again. I know that there will be days where I may not feel all that successful but I know that I am. As I seive through all of my thoughts and feelings, I know that I will be able to move beyond and to get through this muck and mire. I know that I will be successful! I have no choice. Sure, I could sit in my room, in the dark and just pull the covers over my head. But, really, I cannot. I am not made that way. I know that I am made to be bold and I know that I will be loud. I know that I cannot be turned down to allow for things to be said and done in my stead. With that said, I am moving on!! Do I really have any choice about what I need to do? No. Not really. Certainly, I could just not move forward, but what would that do? That is not me.

What am I to say then? I am saying that I am tired of being treated differently. I was told last week that I needed someone to talk to. Yes, I have someone to talk to. But, what was I doing with PM? Dancing? We were talking but PM does not understand that I have been. I am trying to keep things from him and to keep things moving along. I talk to JC and that is good enough for the time being. There are many things that are said that I listen very intently to. I have heard one thing twice now. I will listen to it a third time and I know that it is time to do something else. But until then, I will not be listening to it again.

So I feel my emotions over some things want to vacate. I am ready and yet, I am not. There is a certain comfort to keeping emotions at a bay as well as people at a bay. It is time to test waters and to get moving forward with other things. Am I ready to sit in the back row again? No. Am I ready to move forward to the middle row? Not quite sure. Am I ready to sit in the front row? Seriously do not think so!!! But, whatever I must do, I will do that. No matter what. I will be pushing forward and testing the waters. I must be ready to expect the emotional upset. I hate the emotional upset, but it is terribly imporant to do so.

I think that I am ready. After experiencing the MRI? I have a choice and I must push forward despite the upset.

Pushing. Thinking. Being ready.