This I truly know. I am certain that I am feeling these feelings all over again. N calls them being insecure. Sure, if this is what it is then I am insecure. No, I am very secure. But, I know what I feel and I know that I do not care to share my thoughts and feelings with others. I have to be careful about who I share them with. But, I have to say, I am feeling like I do not want to be touched again. These feelings come in waves at times and all I want is to focus on what I need to do. This drives me nuts. I am feeling the loss of my other G and I am experiencing the loss of a close friend. I suppose that I am feeling a little more retreated for my emotional protection. I do not want to be compromised by anyone who may not completely understand my thoughts and my misgivings without being judged. Yes, I have been judged quite a bit and I am not in the mood for having that occur again. I know what I want and I know what I need to do to complete it. I must be stronger than I have ever been.
I am looking at the prospect of another surgery. This has my touch-o-meter on the fritz. I am feeling a little compromised but I need to keep things under wraps like I have done before in times past. I need to keep myself guarded again and be sure to take it easy and not get overwhelmed at things. This should not be a difficult thing. I have done this before and I am do this again. I am not looking forward to be cornered. I can do this.
Some of the tell-tale signs are still with me. I am working hard to not let them out and let them take over again. Not wanting to be touched is no big deal. I have to be willing to touch to let others not feel or suspect things. Funny how I say that. It is easier to touch than to be touched. How do I get around this with PD and PM? So, how do I get around this with N? She is a toucher now. Ireally do not want to be part of it all at this point. I really do not care to be around a whole lot of people right now. Even more so, Ihave noticed that if there are some forms of rejection, my emotions get more challenged (of course) and then I retreat a little more. I feel retreating. I need to make it look a whole lot less of what it is. Yea, I will be putting up a good fight and facade. Hoping that I can do this.
Pushing. Pressing. Facade.
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