I know that I have written about fear on many ocassions. It is very important to understand the amount of courage it takes to be able to discuss this with many people. Strangers. People who I have never met who are reading this. Too, people who have known me for years are beginning to read these sorts of things and have a little more insight.
I am to continue. I will not have fear.
5. What, if anything, makes you afraid to talk to people about your rape?
There are many things that I select to tell others. When I chose to discuss this with friends and family, I had receptions that I was not sure how to respond to. I was told by my closest of friends that I had deserved it and that I should not have been where I was at the time. I was mortified at this! At that point, my relationship with this person changed forever. I could not bear to share any more personal things with that person. I had been through a horrible experience only to be laiden with more guilt and humiliation. This had hit me so deeply that I have [obviously] never forgotten it. And, to a point, not gotten over it. It had taken me quite a bit to be able to talk to her about things after that. Then after a point, she had stopped talking to me and avoided me for years. It took a while for that to happen; it did not happen overnight. It was a slow process and it this process hurt more deeply than a knife penetrating my heart. I had lost a long-time friend and I was profoundly hurt by this. I had sworn that I would not tell anyone else about this and that it would never come between any of my friends.
At the same time I had told this person, I had told another friend and my brother. There is nothing more challenging than to tell family. When I had told my other friend, she was silent. She never commented and never said anything else to me about that day. Again, years after this, things changed. I do not know if it was me or her; but, things changed overall. In contrast, my brother was another person altogether. It was 10 days after this had happened and I remember crying very hard when I told him. He was so angry; he had demanded that I take it to the Prosecutor and file charges. I had said no! I was not going to file charges and have an investigation opened up over all of this. I had explained that I would silently carry this and to seek after my own wellness. I do not recall correctly if he had told me to get some therapy; but, for the most part, I shined it on. I did not want to take any more chances that this was going to happen to anyone else that I shared this with.
Six months later, I had attempted to tell my Doctor. I could not bear to say anything. I was so concerned that I was going to be thought that I was crazy or something else. I remember having a pelvic-exam and could not hold myself together well. I had brought my cousin with me and had shared with her about my rape. It was hard to tell her, but she understood. She too was molested as a child--this angered me so much. She is Autistic and I was and am mortified that this happens to so many people and it is under-reported. Sexual aggression from others is wrong!
After my diagnosis, I knew that I needed to discuss things. I knew that things were going to be difficult. I remember the Sunday that PM had touched my shoulders and I had lost it. At that time, I realized what I needed to do. It took days for me to get the strength to muster up and express to him what had happened to me years ago. It was relevant and I needed to share that with him. I realized that my honesty was necessary and to bring things to the surface. To stop burying them and to allow them to be opened and discussed. So, I did tell him of the assault. I wanted to give him the details of the rape; so, I created this blog and now, you are part of the completion of the recovery. I am a victim no more. I am a survivor and a victor.
6. Who have you told about your rape, and why did you choose to tell them?
I have told many people about my rape. This has not been easy. There are about five people that I have told. Three of them have passed away now and the other two have the complete details about my rape--PM and PD. There are many others who know about it; however, they do not have the details. When I created my blog, it was an opportunity to allow other family members to read it. From that point, my friends have been able to read it and they are so amazed at the disclosure. It was a risk that I needed to take and I did make it. I have been very haunted about this decision; however, I have made it and I stand by it. This is not an easy task to open up and discuss. I will not tell others about it. I have received quite a bit of response about it already and some just do not need to have these details in their head. It is enough to have those details in mine.
7. What did they do or say about it?
I have explained already with so much. I have had a lot of very rude and ignorant things said about it. I have been told that I should "get over it". I have been told some very horrible things; in the same manner, I have been told some very powerfully gentle things. But, it is the luck of the draw. I must be willing to expose myself to share in order for the healing to continue. I have started and so, I must continue. What type of victor would I be if I just stopped now and did not work toward the transformation? I am looking forward to the transformation and not identifying myself as a rape victim anymore. However, I know that I am just that. I still feel like a victim when I share.
For the time being, this is where I will leave it. I want to offer a time when others can read and share. I look forward to moving along. There are a lot of exercises in this book and I am looking forward to working on it. I want healing. I do not want to be afraid anymore. I want more and more and am willing to dig and press on for it.
Pushing. Pressing. Revealing.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Venturing to continue on
Now that more has been discussed, it is time to continue. As I have been reading through these questions, I have already discussed a lot. But, there is yet more to discuss.
Continuing.
5. What, if anything, makes you afraid to talk to people about your rape?
When I begin to open up and discuss this rape, I am fearful that people will see me differently. I see me differently. When I discuss this, I do not want people to think that I am so messed up that I can never be the same person, if ever. One of my deepest concerns is that others may perceive that I am very unstable. I am very stable. This deed that was done has created quite a stir in my life. I have allowed myself to share things with others and now, I have to see this through. I cannot just simply keep this to myself anymore. It needs to be discussed.
I get worried that people may not know what to say to me. I am afraid of losing friends because of this. I do not want anyone to walk away from me because I am different. I am tainted. I am stained by the attack of another person and I do not want others to see that stain. There is a stigma that is associated with this attack and at times, I think that I can see it in others' eyes. I look closely for comfort and for acceptance and it is different. I was told by someone not too long ago that this person had gone through this and she has not had much difficulty. Why am I experiencing it?
There are many things about the rape that are so very difficult to explain to people. How can they possible understand? How can you explain to others the incredible feeling of helplessness that is associated with it. How can you explain the amount of helplessness you feel when you experience a similar experience? When there are associations with the rape, there are triggers. When there are triggers and associations, how do you explain the inability to sort out emotions? How can anyone understand what it means to sort out such an avalanche of emotions when they come? Then, how can you explain to others that you are reaching a limit and need to be left alone when you are so pressured? But, the odd thing? It is important to continue to prime the pump of affection and love.
I have learned that no matter what, I must continue and I must be able to go through the battle of "skinning my knees" to get to the point of overcoming. I know that one day, touching, hugging and the like will be so much easier. I look forward to that day. I look forward and am trying not to look backwards at the constant.
Pushing on. Pressing in. Venturing to more.
Continuing.
5. What, if anything, makes you afraid to talk to people about your rape?
When I begin to open up and discuss this rape, I am fearful that people will see me differently. I see me differently. When I discuss this, I do not want people to think that I am so messed up that I can never be the same person, if ever. One of my deepest concerns is that others may perceive that I am very unstable. I am very stable. This deed that was done has created quite a stir in my life. I have allowed myself to share things with others and now, I have to see this through. I cannot just simply keep this to myself anymore. It needs to be discussed.
I get worried that people may not know what to say to me. I am afraid of losing friends because of this. I do not want anyone to walk away from me because I am different. I am tainted. I am stained by the attack of another person and I do not want others to see that stain. There is a stigma that is associated with this attack and at times, I think that I can see it in others' eyes. I look closely for comfort and for acceptance and it is different. I was told by someone not too long ago that this person had gone through this and she has not had much difficulty. Why am I experiencing it?
There are many things about the rape that are so very difficult to explain to people. How can they possible understand? How can you explain to others the incredible feeling of helplessness that is associated with it. How can you explain the amount of helplessness you feel when you experience a similar experience? When there are associations with the rape, there are triggers. When there are triggers and associations, how do you explain the inability to sort out emotions? How can anyone understand what it means to sort out such an avalanche of emotions when they come? Then, how can you explain to others that you are reaching a limit and need to be left alone when you are so pressured? But, the odd thing? It is important to continue to prime the pump of affection and love.
I have learned that no matter what, I must continue and I must be able to go through the battle of "skinning my knees" to get to the point of overcoming. I know that one day, touching, hugging and the like will be so much easier. I look forward to that day. I look forward and am trying not to look backwards at the constant.
Pushing on. Pressing in. Venturing to more.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Once we have begun, we continue
We have begun. We have begun to learn about what it is that I have experienced. This book that I have purchased is not an easy reader by any means. However, it is the most important process that I have begun and am willing to see it through. If I have been able to experience what I have experienced, I can continue with these questions. Certainly, I could skip some questions and no one would know. I choose to continue in sequence these questions.
I continue. The author's disclaimer states that our thoughts are to be thoughtful and complete answers. "Do not avoid the questions by writing simplistic, brief responses." Here we go. Here I go.
2. What kinds of nightmares or memories do you have about your rape?
I have too many nightmares and memories about my rape. I have had nightmares that could curl your hair. I have had some very explicit nightmares where I have been surrounded and have been lost in the victimization again. I cannot say if it was a sexual attack or what; but, I can say that when the individuals in the nightmare drew closer and closer, I was lost. All was black and dark and I was no more. This particular nightmare has happened three times. Each time, it has left me with such a foul feeling. My emotions are heightened when this happens. I become angry, confrontational, fearful and very resistant. I have come to recognize these emotions very well.
The memories of the rape have been with me the longest. While I can remember quite a bit, there are somethings that I cannot remember. I am glad about that. It is a protection for me. I remember feeling numb after. I do not remember the events of the day before. I do remember the relative events of the day and then the outcome from that point.
I have constant reminders of that day. I see them in my mind all the time. But, I have more of the reminders of the oral sex than anything else. I have hated myself very much for being there. I have hated him very much for forcing me to do those horrible acts. No one should be forced to do anything like that. It is not ok to do those things. And because of these emotions, I see this in my head all the time. I see him all the time. Every time that I see him, I cry and want to hide. The emotional demand it takes on me is quite a bit.
3. How does thinking about the rape make you feel and why?
I get very angry when I think about the rape. I get angry because I was there and it happened. I have always been a physically strong woman, but having this done to me makes me angry that I could not stop it. I thought that I could defend myself, but he was stronger. I realized that the more I struggled the more he fought me and the more that he fought me, I realized what was going to happen. I had realized that if I was going to get out of there, I was going to need to stop fighting. So, I did. I hated myself at that moment and have hated myself for it ever since. I feel that all of my rights were taken away. My right to get up. My right to say no. My right to make a difference. My right to be healthy. I feel that the rape has redefined me. And, of course, it has.
I hate that I had to be there; I hate that I had to watch. I hate that I remember his face and the look in his eyes. I hate that I was not respected or even cared for. It was always about him and never about anyone else. I wonder if he has done this to another woman. And I hate that too.
4. How hard is it to talk about the rape?
This question is really the clincher. For years, I did not care to talk about it. Six months after the rape, I wanted to tell my doctor. I could not bear thinking about it because I did not want him to think that I was now crazy. I did not want to tell anyone about it because when I had told a "friend" about it, she had told me that I had deserved it. I did not want to tell anyone about it because of that very reason. So, I buried the thoughts of it as deep in my emotions as I could. I never wanted to tell anyone or let them know anything about it. So many people just get the idea that it is easy to get over. POOF! snap your fingers and it is done. But, it is not done. The ways it has changed me run very deep. I have compensated for so much of it so I can manage things in my life. To tell anyone about something that happened so long ago is very hard. When it was very new, I had no idea what emotions that I would have about it. And, of course, I have been criticized for being the way I am without others realizing what has happened. Sure, I have always been a very bold person, but I have never been a person to be the way I am now.
I do not mind talking about the rape when I know that the person listening does not try to tell me how I should feel. I know that this has happened a long, long time ago. I know that I have spent years trying to bury this. I know that I have needed to talk about this to someone a long, long time ago. When I first had found someone, I was thrust on a good journey. Now, things are different. Talking about it stirs my life up. I cannot let it go now. I must have it stirred up to get over all of it. Hiding from it will no longer work.
I look forward to more of the questions. But, for the time being, this is the continuation. I cannot go any more. I do not want bad dreams because I am discussing it. I want to overcome and I will and I am and it will be good. I look forward to when this is not as menacing.
Looking. Seeking. Talking.
I continue. The author's disclaimer states that our thoughts are to be thoughtful and complete answers. "Do not avoid the questions by writing simplistic, brief responses." Here we go. Here I go.
2. What kinds of nightmares or memories do you have about your rape?
I have too many nightmares and memories about my rape. I have had nightmares that could curl your hair. I have had some very explicit nightmares where I have been surrounded and have been lost in the victimization again. I cannot say if it was a sexual attack or what; but, I can say that when the individuals in the nightmare drew closer and closer, I was lost. All was black and dark and I was no more. This particular nightmare has happened three times. Each time, it has left me with such a foul feeling. My emotions are heightened when this happens. I become angry, confrontational, fearful and very resistant. I have come to recognize these emotions very well.
The memories of the rape have been with me the longest. While I can remember quite a bit, there are somethings that I cannot remember. I am glad about that. It is a protection for me. I remember feeling numb after. I do not remember the events of the day before. I do remember the relative events of the day and then the outcome from that point.
I have constant reminders of that day. I see them in my mind all the time. But, I have more of the reminders of the oral sex than anything else. I have hated myself very much for being there. I have hated him very much for forcing me to do those horrible acts. No one should be forced to do anything like that. It is not ok to do those things. And because of these emotions, I see this in my head all the time. I see him all the time. Every time that I see him, I cry and want to hide. The emotional demand it takes on me is quite a bit.
3. How does thinking about the rape make you feel and why?
I get very angry when I think about the rape. I get angry because I was there and it happened. I have always been a physically strong woman, but having this done to me makes me angry that I could not stop it. I thought that I could defend myself, but he was stronger. I realized that the more I struggled the more he fought me and the more that he fought me, I realized what was going to happen. I had realized that if I was going to get out of there, I was going to need to stop fighting. So, I did. I hated myself at that moment and have hated myself for it ever since. I feel that all of my rights were taken away. My right to get up. My right to say no. My right to make a difference. My right to be healthy. I feel that the rape has redefined me. And, of course, it has.
I hate that I had to be there; I hate that I had to watch. I hate that I remember his face and the look in his eyes. I hate that I was not respected or even cared for. It was always about him and never about anyone else. I wonder if he has done this to another woman. And I hate that too.
4. How hard is it to talk about the rape?
This question is really the clincher. For years, I did not care to talk about it. Six months after the rape, I wanted to tell my doctor. I could not bear thinking about it because I did not want him to think that I was now crazy. I did not want to tell anyone about it because when I had told a "friend" about it, she had told me that I had deserved it. I did not want to tell anyone about it because of that very reason. So, I buried the thoughts of it as deep in my emotions as I could. I never wanted to tell anyone or let them know anything about it. So many people just get the idea that it is easy to get over. POOF! snap your fingers and it is done. But, it is not done. The ways it has changed me run very deep. I have compensated for so much of it so I can manage things in my life. To tell anyone about something that happened so long ago is very hard. When it was very new, I had no idea what emotions that I would have about it. And, of course, I have been criticized for being the way I am without others realizing what has happened. Sure, I have always been a very bold person, but I have never been a person to be the way I am now.
I do not mind talking about the rape when I know that the person listening does not try to tell me how I should feel. I know that this has happened a long, long time ago. I know that I have spent years trying to bury this. I know that I have needed to talk about this to someone a long, long time ago. When I first had found someone, I was thrust on a good journey. Now, things are different. Talking about it stirs my life up. I cannot let it go now. I must have it stirred up to get over all of it. Hiding from it will no longer work.
I look forward to more of the questions. But, for the time being, this is the continuation. I cannot go any more. I do not want bad dreams because I am discussing it. I want to overcome and I will and I am and it will be good. I look forward to when this is not as menacing.
Looking. Seeking. Talking.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Tick tock goes the time
Without a doubt, I must really stop and listen to the sound of time. "Tick tock". It comes and it goes. What happens during that time? That time can be spent with whatever it will be spent with. Time well spent is important. We all understand what it means to have time well spent. So, now, what will that equate to? I spend a lot of time reflecting upon the events that have occurred. It has has been nearly two years since my initial surgery but has been two years since I have chosen to disclose what I have to important people. And now? Is it a moot point? Time has been passing and I have been pressing in to what I think is important. Who is it important to and for? Of course, to me. There would be no one else that it would be important for. But, for the reader, I would hope that it is important to you too.
I have spent a long, long time, searching to discover what has been within. Some to the point of criticism about how hard I have been working. It is never a moot point when it comes to working on the things that are correlated to one's heart, soul and spirit. It should never stop. Only you know the point of no return, if you are truly working on the endeavor or discovering what it is that beckons your time, then work toward that goal. The goal is timeworthy. Despite the criticism, work toward that goal. Criticism will come; often times, it may come from those who wish they could get to that point themselves, but often do not. What is it in you that is willing to come forward and is needing that extra work? Then find that point. Work toward it. Make a plan and see to it.
For me? What is that goal? Wellness. We all want it. We all talk about it. We do not all plan for it. There is much in me that I am not pleased with; however, there is much in me that I am pleased with. If I look in the mirror, the faces of the ones that I revere, I can see what I want changed. Is it realistic? Is it an accurate measuring stick? It is when all of it is said much of the same.
Work for the goal. Work toward the finish line. It is worth the effort. There are some lonely times along the way and it is worth the battle. But, only you can decide. I have decided a long, long time ago. Choose your battle plan. Select the tools. Put your armour on. Stand and fight. Let the bloodshed begin.
Looking on. Pressing in. Willing for more.
I have spent a long, long time, searching to discover what has been within. Some to the point of criticism about how hard I have been working. It is never a moot point when it comes to working on the things that are correlated to one's heart, soul and spirit. It should never stop. Only you know the point of no return, if you are truly working on the endeavor or discovering what it is that beckons your time, then work toward that goal. The goal is timeworthy. Despite the criticism, work toward that goal. Criticism will come; often times, it may come from those who wish they could get to that point themselves, but often do not. What is it in you that is willing to come forward and is needing that extra work? Then find that point. Work toward it. Make a plan and see to it.
For me? What is that goal? Wellness. We all want it. We all talk about it. We do not all plan for it. There is much in me that I am not pleased with; however, there is much in me that I am pleased with. If I look in the mirror, the faces of the ones that I revere, I can see what I want changed. Is it realistic? Is it an accurate measuring stick? It is when all of it is said much of the same.
Work for the goal. Work toward the finish line. It is worth the effort. There are some lonely times along the way and it is worth the battle. But, only you can decide. I have decided a long, long time ago. Choose your battle plan. Select the tools. Put your armour on. Stand and fight. Let the bloodshed begin.
Looking on. Pressing in. Willing for more.
Monday, August 6, 2012
The anatomy of a touch
I know that I have been wanting to discuss this for some time, and now it is here. The anatomy of a touch really has something to it. Not many really think about it when they are receiving, but when there is an intent, then the actions are far more complicated and have greater implications. Let us begin.
For the most part, there are two aspects of a touch--the one giving and the one receiving. Touching has a purpose in itself; this purpose is to make contact. Contact has intention in itself as well. Contact may be to get another's attention or to see to the attention of someone else. Do you see how this can be quite intricate? The next time you intend to touch, be aware as to the intentions behind it. You will be amazed.
When I choose to touch, it is with a particular purpose. There is a threshold that must be crossed before a complete touch can be made. The person that I choose to touch must be in a particular distance that is in a comfort zone of myself or that person. I must be willing and the purpose behind my touch to be genuine. I think intently about touching. I think intently about being touched. This means that I must also take into consideration when someone else might be experiencing in a day. This means that I must be willing to understand their personal burdens, if there are any.
When it is time to touch, observing the body language is very important. This body language must mean they are willing to be touched. This is an expression of permission. If that permission is not there, then it is something that must be addressed carefully. Much like a hug, a touch must be welcomed. It cannot have the disired outcome if it is not welcomed. A touch is a precursor to a hug. If a hug is to be welcomed and to pack the power behind it, it must be initiated. Sometimes the eye contact of the person to receive the hug cannot be made; the hug may have a different impact. Perhaps the body language may indicate hesitation and so, raised outstretched arms is the welcome. Hesitation may have a message all in itself. Just the same, the welcome should be waited for and made. I have seen the hesitation once before from someone and I knew that I had to make the initiation.
When deciding to touch, there must be the complete conviction. The person receiving will know if the conviction of the touch is there. If it is just hapistance, it will be understood as that. Engage and be willing to be engaged. Look because there really is a body language behind it.
I know that at times, I have actually stepped back and physically displayed unwillingness to be touched or hugged. There have been many reasons for this that I have already discussed. But, willingness is the most key element of it all. I still am reluctant to be hugged at times, but I have to be aware that it can be more frustrating for some to not allow a touch or hug to happen. For some reason, they feel it is their fault when it is not. I have to be aware of that and aware that at times, my personal discomfort must be allowed to ride.
Looking on. Finding within. Touching on.
For the most part, there are two aspects of a touch--the one giving and the one receiving. Touching has a purpose in itself; this purpose is to make contact. Contact has intention in itself as well. Contact may be to get another's attention or to see to the attention of someone else. Do you see how this can be quite intricate? The next time you intend to touch, be aware as to the intentions behind it. You will be amazed.
When I choose to touch, it is with a particular purpose. There is a threshold that must be crossed before a complete touch can be made. The person that I choose to touch must be in a particular distance that is in a comfort zone of myself or that person. I must be willing and the purpose behind my touch to be genuine. I think intently about touching. I think intently about being touched. This means that I must also take into consideration when someone else might be experiencing in a day. This means that I must be willing to understand their personal burdens, if there are any.
When it is time to touch, observing the body language is very important. This body language must mean they are willing to be touched. This is an expression of permission. If that permission is not there, then it is something that must be addressed carefully. Much like a hug, a touch must be welcomed. It cannot have the disired outcome if it is not welcomed. A touch is a precursor to a hug. If a hug is to be welcomed and to pack the power behind it, it must be initiated. Sometimes the eye contact of the person to receive the hug cannot be made; the hug may have a different impact. Perhaps the body language may indicate hesitation and so, raised outstretched arms is the welcome. Hesitation may have a message all in itself. Just the same, the welcome should be waited for and made. I have seen the hesitation once before from someone and I knew that I had to make the initiation.
When deciding to touch, there must be the complete conviction. The person receiving will know if the conviction of the touch is there. If it is just hapistance, it will be understood as that. Engage and be willing to be engaged. Look because there really is a body language behind it.
I know that at times, I have actually stepped back and physically displayed unwillingness to be touched or hugged. There have been many reasons for this that I have already discussed. But, willingness is the most key element of it all. I still am reluctant to be hugged at times, but I have to be aware that it can be more frustrating for some to not allow a touch or hug to happen. For some reason, they feel it is their fault when it is not. I have to be aware of that and aware that at times, my personal discomfort must be allowed to ride.
Looking on. Finding within. Touching on.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Let us begin
I believe. I believe that it is time to begin to discuss the inner aspects of the rape. I am now working with PD to begin discussing the recovery of this act. Yes, rape happens to many people and even men. It is [falsely] believed that men cannot be raped; it is untrue. It is more reported by women, but it does happen to men. And for this purpose, it is important to understand the process of recovery. It is important to begin to express survivorship and this is where I want to begin.
Let us begin.
In this book, there is a section devouted to working with a therapist and some guided questions. The author provides permission to take your time and to discuss the questions openly and thoroughly. I will be discussing these questions openly and thoroughly.
Let us begin.
1. How often do you think about your rape, and do you feel like you have thoughts about it that you can't stop?
It has been 20 years now. I think about it a lot. There are more days that I think about it than others. Some weeks, it just is the most predominating of my thoughts. Some weeks may go by where I do not think about it. I try to force myself to not think about it at times. But, the memories are there and the side effect are there as well. I think about him. I think about what he is doing now and how his life has been changed from all of this. I think of why he did this and I think about how he can rationalize overpowering a woman to make himself feel like a man. I think of his manhood and I have thought about causing him physical harm; but it is a moot point.
I have thought about this for a long, long time. I think about his family and when I had told PJ. I remember that he had said that I had wanted it. I cannot remember if these memories have ever woke me up from a sound sleep; however, I do remember days where it has been difficult to go to sleep. I do remember the anger that I have had. I have hated myself and him and blamed myself for all of this happening. Even now, I hate that this has been a fixed part of my life that has been ever present. It is like an ugly guest that does not leave. It just sticks around. We know that the guest is there, but the guest just does not make any noise. WE can see the mess the guest leaves behind but nothing is said. I feel that no matter what room I go to, Rape is still there. Whenever I go anywhere, I feel like I am carrying Rape with me. I suppose, the best way of saying it would be, "don't get close, Rape might get upset". There is something to be said when this ugly guest has personification.
I perceive that this has impacted many relationships that I have. I feel that this keeps people at a distance because I cannot bridge the gap. I remember a day at a church BBQ where I had felt so out of place. Who to talk to; where to sit; how to just mingle. I remember being asked by PM if I wanted any coffee and he had shown me where the coffee was; I poured if for myself, and as I was standing at the counter, PM had stepped back from me to give me distance. (I have hated leaving my back open to being touched. It is a very open area of contention to me.) Although the intention was not to make me feel uncomfortable, it made me feel all that much more wretched. I wanted to leave, but my family was with me and I had to be very stoic about the situation. I did bear with it.
I have an excellent memory of those days. Yes, twenty years ago seems not far away at all. I battle with that. But, now, I believe that the days of remembering will be less invasive and will ease in time. I remember the days too well. I remember the look on his face when he did this. I remember some of the things he said when he forced me to perform oral sex. I remember the insults. I remember the days I hated myself for getting into the car. I remember the horrible brown car that he kept spotless. Why? Why did I go back? Why did I just not stop? Why did this have to happen? Why does a man who called himself a Christian bring himself to do somethign like this? Where was the justice? It was date rape and hard to prove. There was no evidence of this because he was impotent. He had no sperm and his rage over that grew. He was so angry and frustrated about not being able to ejaculate. He took it out on me. I remember saying NO! several times. I remember feeling, OH GOD! I remember fear. I remember hatred. I remember terror. I remember being trapped. I remember feeling helpless. I remember feeling worthless. I remember feeling like trash. I remember feeling like I could never recover. I remember feeling like I needed to hide what was done, what I had done and what I had allowed myself to go through. I remember feeling numb. I remember feeling like things were moving at a different pace and I remember forcing myself to get to a point where I could not wait to get home.
I look forward. When I look back to remember, it is not as menacing as it has been; however, I know that looking back will be difficult.
Pushing on. Pressing in. Looking forward and believing.
Let us begin.
In this book, there is a section devouted to working with a therapist and some guided questions. The author provides permission to take your time and to discuss the questions openly and thoroughly. I will be discussing these questions openly and thoroughly.
Let us begin.
1. How often do you think about your rape, and do you feel like you have thoughts about it that you can't stop?
It has been 20 years now. I think about it a lot. There are more days that I think about it than others. Some weeks, it just is the most predominating of my thoughts. Some weeks may go by where I do not think about it. I try to force myself to not think about it at times. But, the memories are there and the side effect are there as well. I think about him. I think about what he is doing now and how his life has been changed from all of this. I think of why he did this and I think about how he can rationalize overpowering a woman to make himself feel like a man. I think of his manhood and I have thought about causing him physical harm; but it is a moot point.
I have thought about this for a long, long time. I think about his family and when I had told PJ. I remember that he had said that I had wanted it. I cannot remember if these memories have ever woke me up from a sound sleep; however, I do remember days where it has been difficult to go to sleep. I do remember the anger that I have had. I have hated myself and him and blamed myself for all of this happening. Even now, I hate that this has been a fixed part of my life that has been ever present. It is like an ugly guest that does not leave. It just sticks around. We know that the guest is there, but the guest just does not make any noise. WE can see the mess the guest leaves behind but nothing is said. I feel that no matter what room I go to, Rape is still there. Whenever I go anywhere, I feel like I am carrying Rape with me. I suppose, the best way of saying it would be, "don't get close, Rape might get upset". There is something to be said when this ugly guest has personification.
I perceive that this has impacted many relationships that I have. I feel that this keeps people at a distance because I cannot bridge the gap. I remember a day at a church BBQ where I had felt so out of place. Who to talk to; where to sit; how to just mingle. I remember being asked by PM if I wanted any coffee and he had shown me where the coffee was; I poured if for myself, and as I was standing at the counter, PM had stepped back from me to give me distance. (I have hated leaving my back open to being touched. It is a very open area of contention to me.) Although the intention was not to make me feel uncomfortable, it made me feel all that much more wretched. I wanted to leave, but my family was with me and I had to be very stoic about the situation. I did bear with it.
I have an excellent memory of those days. Yes, twenty years ago seems not far away at all. I battle with that. But, now, I believe that the days of remembering will be less invasive and will ease in time. I remember the days too well. I remember the look on his face when he did this. I remember some of the things he said when he forced me to perform oral sex. I remember the insults. I remember the days I hated myself for getting into the car. I remember the horrible brown car that he kept spotless. Why? Why did I go back? Why did I just not stop? Why did this have to happen? Why does a man who called himself a Christian bring himself to do somethign like this? Where was the justice? It was date rape and hard to prove. There was no evidence of this because he was impotent. He had no sperm and his rage over that grew. He was so angry and frustrated about not being able to ejaculate. He took it out on me. I remember saying NO! several times. I remember feeling, OH GOD! I remember fear. I remember hatred. I remember terror. I remember being trapped. I remember feeling helpless. I remember feeling worthless. I remember feeling like trash. I remember feeling like I could never recover. I remember feeling like I needed to hide what was done, what I had done and what I had allowed myself to go through. I remember feeling numb. I remember feeling like things were moving at a different pace and I remember forcing myself to get to a point where I could not wait to get home.
I look forward. When I look back to remember, it is not as menacing as it has been; however, I know that looking back will be difficult.
Pushing on. Pressing in. Looking forward and believing.
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