Venturing to continue on

Now that more has been discussed, it is time to continue. As I have been reading through these questions, I have already discussed a lot. But, there is yet more to discuss.

Continuing.

5. What, if anything, makes you afraid to talk to people about your rape?

When I begin to open up and discuss this rape, I am fearful that people will see me differently. I see me differently. When I discuss this, I do not want people to think that I am so messed up that I can never be the same person, if ever. One of my deepest concerns is that others may perceive that I am very unstable. I am very stable. This deed that was done has created quite a stir in my life. I have allowed myself to share things with others and now, I have to see this through. I cannot just simply keep this to myself anymore. It needs to be discussed. 

I get worried that people may not know what to say to me. I am afraid of losing friends because of this. I do not want anyone to walk away from me because I am different. I am tainted. I am stained by the attack of another person and I do not want others to see that stain. There is a stigma that is associated with this attack and at times, I think that I can see it in others' eyes. I look closely for comfort and for acceptance and it is different. I was told by someone not too long ago that this person had gone through this and she has not had much difficulty. Why am I experiencing it? 

There are many things about the rape that are so very difficult to explain to people. How can they possible understand? How can you explain to others the incredible feeling of helplessness that is associated with it. How can you explain the amount of helplessness you feel when you experience a similar experience? When there are associations with the rape, there are triggers. When there are triggers and associations, how do you explain the inability to sort out emotions? How can anyone understand what it means to sort out such an avalanche of emotions when they come? Then, how can you explain to others that you are reaching a limit and need to be left alone when you are so pressured? But, the odd thing? It is important to continue to prime the pump of affection and love. 

I have learned that no matter what, I must continue and I must be able to go through the battle of "skinning my knees" to get to the point of overcoming. I know that one day, touching, hugging and the like will be so much easier. I look forward to that day. I look forward and am trying not to look backwards at the constant.

Pushing on. Pressing in. Venturing to more.