I know that I have written about fear on many ocassions. It is very important to understand the amount of courage it takes to be able to discuss this with many people. Strangers. People who I have never met who are reading this. Too, people who have known me for years are beginning to read these sorts of things and have a little more insight.
I am to continue. I will not have fear.
5. What, if anything, makes you afraid to talk to people about your rape?
There are many things that I select to tell others. When I chose to discuss this with friends and family, I had receptions that I was not sure how to respond to. I was told by my closest of friends that I had deserved it and that I should not have been where I was at the time. I was mortified at this! At that point, my relationship with this person changed forever. I could not bear to share any more personal things with that person. I had been through a horrible experience only to be laiden with more guilt and humiliation. This had hit me so deeply that I have [obviously] never forgotten it. And, to a point, not gotten over it. It had taken me quite a bit to be able to talk to her about things after that. Then after a point, she had stopped talking to me and avoided me for years. It took a while for that to happen; it did not happen overnight. It was a slow process and it this process hurt more deeply than a knife penetrating my heart. I had lost a long-time friend and I was profoundly hurt by this. I had sworn that I would not tell anyone else about this and that it would never come between any of my friends.
At the same time I had told this person, I had told another friend and my brother. There is nothing more challenging than to tell family. When I had told my other friend, she was silent. She never commented and never said anything else to me about that day. Again, years after this, things changed. I do not know if it was me or her; but, things changed overall. In contrast, my brother was another person altogether. It was 10 days after this had happened and I remember crying very hard when I told him. He was so angry; he had demanded that I take it to the Prosecutor and file charges. I had said no! I was not going to file charges and have an investigation opened up over all of this. I had explained that I would silently carry this and to seek after my own wellness. I do not recall correctly if he had told me to get some therapy; but, for the most part, I shined it on. I did not want to take any more chances that this was going to happen to anyone else that I shared this with.
Six months later, I had attempted to tell my Doctor. I could not bear to say anything. I was so concerned that I was going to be thought that I was crazy or something else. I remember having a pelvic-exam and could not hold myself together well. I had brought my cousin with me and had shared with her about my rape. It was hard to tell her, but she understood. She too was molested as a child--this angered me so much. She is Autistic and I was and am mortified that this happens to so many people and it is under-reported. Sexual aggression from others is wrong!
After my diagnosis, I knew that I needed to discuss things. I knew that things were going to be difficult. I remember the Sunday that PM had touched my shoulders and I had lost it. At that time, I realized what I needed to do. It took days for me to get the strength to muster up and express to him what had happened to me years ago. It was relevant and I needed to share that with him. I realized that my honesty was necessary and to bring things to the surface. To stop burying them and to allow them to be opened and discussed. So, I did tell him of the assault. I wanted to give him the details of the rape; so, I created this blog and now, you are part of the completion of the recovery. I am a victim no more. I am a survivor and a victor.
6. Who have you told about your rape, and why did you choose to tell them?
I have told many people about my rape. This has not been easy. There are about five people that I have told. Three of them have passed away now and the other two have the complete details about my rape--PM and PD. There are many others who know about it; however, they do not have the details. When I created my blog, it was an opportunity to allow other family members to read it. From that point, my friends have been able to read it and they are so amazed at the disclosure. It was a risk that I needed to take and I did make it. I have been very haunted about this decision; however, I have made it and I stand by it. This is not an easy task to open up and discuss. I will not tell others about it. I have received quite a bit of response about it already and some just do not need to have these details in their head. It is enough to have those details in mine.
7. What did they do or say about it?
I have explained already with so much. I have had a lot of very rude and ignorant things said about it. I have been told that I should "get over it". I have been told some very horrible things; in the same manner, I have been told some very powerfully gentle things. But, it is the luck of the draw. I must be willing to expose myself to share in order for the healing to continue. I have started and so, I must continue. What type of victor would I be if I just stopped now and did not work toward the transformation? I am looking forward to the transformation and not identifying myself as a rape victim anymore. However, I know that I am just that. I still feel like a victim when I share.
For the time being, this is where I will leave it. I want to offer a time when others can read and share. I look forward to moving along. There are a lot of exercises in this book and I am looking forward to working on it. I want healing. I do not want to be afraid anymore. I want more and more and am willing to dig and press on for it.
Pushing. Pressing. Revealing.
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