Once we have begun, we continue

We have begun. We have begun to learn about what it is that I have experienced. This book that I have purchased is not an easy reader by any means. However, it is the most important process that I have begun and am willing to see it through. If I have been able to experience what I have experienced, I can continue with these questions. Certainly, I could skip some questions and no one would know. I choose to continue in sequence these questions. 

I continue. The author's disclaimer states that our thoughts are to be thoughtful and complete answers. "Do not avoid the questions by writing simplistic, brief responses." Here we go. Here I go.

2.  What kinds of nightmares or memories do you have about your rape?

I have too many nightmares and memories about my rape. I have had nightmares that could curl your hair. I have had some very explicit nightmares where I have been surrounded and have been lost in the victimization again. I cannot say if it was a sexual attack or what; but, I can say that when the individuals in the nightmare drew closer and closer, I was lost. All was black and dark and I was no more. This particular nightmare has happened three times. Each time, it has left me with such a foul feeling. My emotions are heightened when this happens. I become angry, confrontational, fearful and very resistant. I have come to recognize these emotions very well.

The memories of the rape have been with me the longest. While I can remember quite a bit, there are somethings that I cannot remember. I am glad about that. It is a protection for me. I remember feeling numb after. I do not remember the events of the day before. I do remember the relative events of the day and then the outcome from that point.

I have constant reminders of that day. I see them in my mind all the time. But, I have more of the reminders of the oral sex than anything else. I have hated myself very much for being there. I have hated him very much for forcing me to do those horrible acts. No one should be forced to do anything like that. It is not ok to do those things. And because of these emotions, I see this in my head all the time. I see him all the time. Every time that I see him, I cry and want to hide. The emotional demand it takes on me is quite a bit.

3. How does thinking about the rape make you feel and why?

I get very angry when I think about the rape. I get angry because I was there and it happened. I have always been a physically strong woman, but having this done to me makes me angry that I could not stop it. I thought that I could defend myself, but he was stronger. I realized that the more I struggled the more he fought me and the more that he fought me, I realized what was going to happen. I had realized that if I was going to get out of there, I was going to need to stop fighting. So, I did. I hated myself at that moment and have hated myself for it ever since. I feel that all of my rights were taken away. My right to get up. My right to say no. My right to make a difference. My right to be healthy. I feel that the rape has redefined me. And, of course, it has.

I hate that I had to be there; I hate that I had to watch. I hate that I remember his face and the look in his eyes. I hate that I was not respected or even cared for. It was always about him and never about anyone else. I wonder if he has done this to another woman. And I hate that too.

4. How hard is it to talk about the rape?

This question is really the clincher. For years, I did not care to talk about it. Six months after the rape, I wanted to tell my doctor. I could not bear thinking about it because I did not want him to think that I was now crazy. I did not want to tell anyone about it because when I had told a "friend" about it, she had told me that I had deserved it. I did not want to tell anyone about it because of that very reason. So, I buried the thoughts of it as deep in my emotions as I could. I never wanted to tell anyone or let them know anything about it. So many people just get the idea that it is easy to get over. POOF! snap your fingers and it is done. But, it is not done. The ways it has changed me run very deep. I have compensated for so much of it so I can manage things in my life. To tell anyone about something that happened so long ago is very hard. When it was very new, I had no idea what emotions that I would have about it. And, of course, I have been criticized for being the way I am without others realizing what has happened. Sure, I have always been a very bold person, but I have never been a person to be the way I am now.

I do not mind talking about the rape when I know that the person listening does not try to tell me how I should feel. I know that this has happened a long, long time ago. I know that I have spent years trying to bury this. I know that I have needed to talk about this to someone a long, long time ago. When I first had found someone, I was thrust on a good journey. Now, things are different. Talking about it stirs my life up. I cannot let it go now. I must have it stirred up to get over all of it. Hiding from it will no longer work.

I look forward to more of the questions. But, for the time being, this is the continuation. I cannot go any more. I do not want bad dreams because I am discussing it. I want to overcome and I will and I am and it will be good. I look forward to when this is not as menacing.

Looking. Seeking. Talking.