Should I say

So, the new church has been very good. There are some things that I have been wondering. But, one thing for certain is that I have spoken to one of the older pastors about my migraine and being touched. How can I say all  of this? How do I explain that the reasons of not being touched runs much deeper? People really do not understand and how could I explain it to them for them to understand? I do not want to take the chances that I need to do. But,  what do I do? Should I really explain? One thing of solace that I have had was that as I was trying to explain, this person had said that he was very glad that I was telling him; but, even more  so that I was concerned for him and the others to understand despite my pain and difficulty. WOW! how that really touched my heart. At HLCC, that was not always the thoughts that were expressed. I  was told that I was pushing people away; I am beginning to see some things more clearly the longer I am away. Do I miss everyone there? I am not sure. I am not sure that I want to think any more about it; but, I know that I have to process things through. 

I was told by someone, not that  important, that my bitterness should not show. Honestly, the bitterness that I had had before is not the same. I  honestly do not feel bitter. I have felt more angry and sad about what has happened; but, I am not that way anymore. I have anger that is much different than what it was before. It is good to be able to understand my feelings and my thoughts; there is nothing wrong with being able to express the feelings deep within. What is wrong is allowing them to take over my life and to allow them to overrun my heart and my mind. The feelings will go away in time. They have thus far. I have received a lot more encouragement from others and that makes so much of a difference. 

I have been worried though, about others from the new church knowing more and more. I have clients that attend this church and I must keep things under wraps. I hope that I may have the strength to keep this within me and  just the pastors. I cannot afford having anyone else know; it is difficult enough at times. 

I am more encouraged, though, about the touching. When I go up for prayer, there is always someone to touch. For several months now, I have been able to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. I have been able to keep things boxed in and to understand where they are the most difficult. I am beginning to understand what keeps me at bay from others. Right now, it is hard to explain, but as I learn, I will  explain more. I know that when I get the feeling of anxiousness, I know that I have reached the point of my limits. So, the goal is to be sure not to allow this to get to the point of anxiousness and to allow a healthy expression of emotions. This I am learning. Life after chemo is not the same and as I express this to others, it is good for them to understand that I just need to know new rules for myself. 

I am learning and I am overcoming. 

Thinking about what I should be thinking

My thoughts today are very ... uncertain how to explain. While I have been doing very well, I have been pondering about a lot. My flashbacks are stirred up again; but, that is ok. Nothing out of the unusual has been happening. I have been tired from work and from school and this is to be expected. I have not had anything so disturbing that I cannot get through the day. I have been working a lot. The events in the home are being perpetuated and I have come to the resolution that they will continue for a while longer.

I have been thinking of the relationships that I have developed over the past several years. I am amazed at what I have been seeing in others as well as the things that have happened because of them. I am thankful for many things and people. But, they are on my mind. What is it that has happened that has kept them there? I do not know. But, I know that many are on my mind and I am learning to just sit and think about what it is that is keeping them there.

I was thinking about T and about PM. It is odd to refer to him as PM. I refer to him now as MB. It is very strange to not address in the same manner. I have not attended HLCC for some time now and it is getting easier to do. I have been attending CC for the duration. I had found CC last year and was getting to attend on a regular basis. When I have grave shifts, I am unable to make service like I would like to. I have been thinking of them at this new fellowship and wonder about what I want to share with them. What has been heavy on my mind is what JC has told me in times past. I have not called to speak with him at all the past week. There was something that was said to me at the last conversation: "why are you continuing to allow this to bother you?" Well, conversations like this are not all that good. I have been trying to be resolute about what I share and with whom. At times I feel as though the best persons to share with are your bartender and your counselor. But, choose your bartender well. I like to drink for the WELL--my LORD. So, HE is my bartender and serves me living water! SO, I share with HIM.

I realize that JC may no longer be qualified to counsel. I remember telling PD about something and how JC could not answer. He was amazed about it and had said that if he did not know what to say, he could not share otherwise. So, I am seeing things in a different paradigm. What do I say to others about what has happened in the past? Very little. There are those who just do not know what to say or really care to know what to say. But, then again, there are few people that you share your deepest matters with. Certainly. But, when they say that they are there for you, then you really do understand who they are when you do share. Is that any fault of my own or theirs? No. But, it really does make a person feel very poorly when that does not happen like it used to. This is where I am right now. I feel very poorly for sharing with others. I do not want to share with JC anymore. I do not share with MB or PD. And, going to CC now, I am careful about who I share things with as well.

We need to all process through the events of our lives. Yes, that is scriptural. It is called meditation. We must all allow events of our lives to be meditated upon. If we do not, then the events that are traumatic can cause more injury. When I was raped, I did not get the proper counseling. I did not see the importance of it all. The embarrassment of it all was too much. The shame and the guilt that still bubbles up from the whole aspect of what I did. It was not my fault; I did not ask for this horrible event to happen. And now? Many do not realize the importance of sharing now to get rid of it. That injury is there. The scars are visible; but, they are not open wounds anymore. Not anymore. I do not want to discuss these events with anyone new. I do miss having these discussions with MB/PM. I do miss that. Why? He was a safe zone and I was understood; but, even more so, I had developed a rapport and that gave me a level of confidence. However, that rapport was destroyed and it will never be the same again. I am needing that same feeling of comfort again. I would love to continue the discussions. I would love to be able to say just how much a new church is challenging me and how everyone wants to be so "reach out and touch someone". I do not care that much for it. But, no one knows about what I have been going through. And, I have been sharing less and less with others about the kiddo and the cancer stuff. This is not that easy. It is harder than what I would like to say, but it is getting much easier. One day, I know that I will be able to comfortably share and to have just that person to say, "I need to open up to you about things". Yes, I am here. I am doing well.

I have been told that I have done nothing wrong to share. I have been told that I have done nothing wrong in opening up with my inner difficulties. I know that I have not. I do not believe that I will ever feel as though I have done something wrong. But, I do feel hesitatant now because I do not want to take any more chances in losing anyone. It hurts too much.

Looking. Listening. Waiting.

Be ready in season and out of season

For the longest efforts that I have had, I must express one thing that has not been addressed thus far. How to respond back to a person who has experienced trauama. To take an effort and to learn how to respond takes a caring person who is willing to accept the fact errors are going to be made in learning how to respond back. When we share with others our deepest and darkest concerns, we want to know that the other person will be listening and not thinking about tomorrow's dinner. Responding back to a person who chooses to share is so very important.

When I had shared with PM, it was the most difficult thing ever. I had realized that I needed to share. I realized that, prior to all of the chemo and cancer, I needed to start to learn how to share and to trust; it was one of the most difficult things that I could have ever engaged in. Today, I no longer attend HLCC because of the level of engagement that I have partook. I have been brutally honest when the days were requing it and to teach and make an opportunity to show PM what it would mean to be part of the leadership of a CC.

"May I ask you a question?" was how I would open many conversations. When the floodgates of conversation started, it was open and the torrent could not be closed. I had realized that I had been silent for far too long. I had realized, in the more well of my days that I needed to have someone listen and to milk the process and to allow it to come forward. Today, I hold the same position; but, this may not be the outcome that was meant. It was the chance I had to take. Was it worth it? Yes. To me, it was well worth it. For him? Perhaps not. But, in years to come, I pray that he understands what it means to be the one that holds such precious thoughts.

Listen. Do more than just using your ears to hear what is being said, but to physically listen. Sit attentatively. Do not look all around and hope that someone interrupts the conversation. This is cold and heartless. Understand that eye contact, whether the other person can make it or not, needs to be allowed to wander from the person sharing. But look listening. Your facial expressions make all the difference in the world and they are the most impacting and bonding of all. The deepest and most significant gift that may be acquired in all of this is the gift of trust that is bonded inside. This is something that is not given easily and cannot be taken back so easily. Once trust has been established, then the sharing process has begun and a seed of hope has been planted. It will be a difficult process; but, it is a process that must come. Be prepared.

What to say. No one can easily understand what to say. When a person is sharing, they are searching for a way to describe what had happened. Some may be rude and vulgar about the event--it is merely the anger of assault and trauma. It has to come out and be said. Do not be afraid to hear words that are related to body parts. Do not tell the other person that they need to use better language. This is cathartic, and once it has been said, it will be easier to overcome it, accept it and to then overcome the next process. Healing.

Dialogue. Allow the person who has been traumatized to discuss. This is a process that the person has been needing to engage in. The horror of the experience is very real. Every experience is different and every experience has the same outcome--pain and injury. Even if your thoughts and comments are minimal, your presence is more than what is needed. That helps to begin the healing process. This does not mean that everything will come out all at once. This may take days, weeks, or even months. But, this is the beginning. I still feel the need to discuss some things in depth. Just because the event has been discussed once, twice, or multiple times, does not mean that the process is complete. You are in the process and the process is doing what it is supposed to do. It is designed to allow the healing to begin and for the other person to understand what they are feeling and to help identify the emotions and to work them out in their own due time. Does this mean that the other person does not need direction in the discussion? All the more so for it. The other person would hope that you help to make some sence of what has happened and from that point, to continue to look for the answers. Some of these answers are life-long. So, do not be afraid of time that is well spent. The victim within is emerging to the victor without. Victory is the finish line. It is more than just becoming a survivor. It is more than just recovery. It is learning to be what was removed in a single ugly act. It is the equivelant of transplanting daisies for peonies.

What not to say. This can be more of a discovery process for both; but, you will learn quickly what not to say. Do not say that "just get over it" is enough. It is not a matter of "just getting over it" or even "pity party". This is a time of healing and grieving for what is lost. Healing, like any other illness, requires time. It requires therapy in many forms. It requires a warm and needed touch to a hurt and arid place--the heart of the person. This place is very important to rebuild. It can make the difference of life or death. This is not melodramatic. Many men and women engage in self-abuse and harm. Their lives are impacted with substance abuse and alcholism or even suicide. There will be days where no one will know what to say; but, at that point, compassion is the greatest key. Know when love is all that you need and to encourage in care and caution. To avoid such events of abuse and self-harm, the sooner the help and communication the better.

There may be that individual who may not be able to recover the way that you would like. There is that person who maintains complete resistance. There will be times when you will not feel like wanting to continue your sharpest; but, I guarantee you that it is the most rewarding thing ever. When you know that a person that you have shared with listens, it is more precious than anything else in this life. It is more precious than the air in your lungs.

As a woman of faith, I do not count it as a lack of faith to experience my emotional days. All the more so the contrary. The LORD specifically intends for all of us to share in our emotions and to be aware that they are present during time of difficulty. The medicine is on the way. The only way to overcome these things is time and with that the gifted hands of a healer. Take that opportunity to continue. You know someone who may need to have those hands stretched out. Walk carefully and understand that when you are gifted with the secret that you will receive, it is more precious than anything. In the same aspect, the burden of knowledge can change you in ways that you had never expected.

Looking on. Reaching out. Pressing in.

Once more around the block

Once more around the block, please. Yes, this seems to be one more added thing these days. Over the past couple of years, there have beem many things going on. Yes, I see that. I look back and wonder about outcomes and inputs. So much has gone before me and I have discussed this with many. But, the discussions are taking its toll. I remember saying to PM that sharing would not be a good idea and that he could not handle my share. Yes, I was correct. I can see, hindsight being 20/20 that I was correct. So, what to be done now. Yes, my mind seems to be thinking about so much.

It has been nearly 6 months since I have been at HLCC. It has been nearly 3 months since I have communicated with PM--PD is different. For some reason, it does not seem to be something that is accepted. The judicial mandate coming down to the wire. I have been very careful to not approach some things with some persons. I will not give up. I will not accept the final decision of some things. I am experiencing some very intriguing thoughts and emotions. What people have been telling me is very conflicting, and my goal now is to go through what has been said and to get some correct answers. Soon, it will be time to start writing and to create some literature from all of this. Will this start tomorrow? Yes, but not the immediate. I still have so much more to go.

I have not been able to get into my handbook lately; this year has brought so much personal health difficutlies and so I have had to address those altogether. But, as I will continue, I will be sure and certain to start creating a manuscript about what has gone on. From the beginning, I had the attention. Now, things have been left to the wayside. For so many who have experienced these sorts of things, it is difficult for them to seive through and to determine what is right or wrong. So many in churches all around the country and globe are told some very interesting things; but, even more so, too many people are not qualified or capable of helping those individuals who have been victimized by their mates/spouces. We will conquor and we will be determined that this will do better than what it has been before.

I am tired. I have been tired for a long, long time. I can see that all of this is working hand in hand. I am tired of the struggle and how to compensate. Now that I attend a different church, I am compensating quite a bit. I do not like it. I wonder when I am going to stop compensating. I do not want anyone to know what I have been through at this new church. I have been attending it, now, for nearly a year. I was attending one service a week for a bit, then started to attend during more services. I have been accepted more and I am trying to get more involved and just allow some things (my emotions) to naturally extinguish. I find myself missing the old church and wanting to email or call. But, I have to really discipline myself and not do it. When I have found myself just feeling odd, and needing, I want to call or text. But, I find myself fighting that more and more. I look forward to not wanting to have any communication whatsoever. But, of all people, he understands the most. Really.

I have had more flashbacks this week as well. It has been very difficult. Usually the same thing. Remember, no matter what anyone says, speaking nasty sexual language to your partner to get them get into the moment is not ok. Remember, respect the intimacy and learn a love language. It will last longer and remain in your heart sweeter.

I have been stressed and so these flashbacks have worsened again. I would like to text PD but I am not sure. I would like to tell PJ and PC. But, I am not sure how that will sit. I have to be able to withstand and endure this. These conversations with new people may not be good. The conversations with the current ones may be getting too burdensome.

This is a huge concern with anyone who wants to pursue and overcome. The content of conversation is not always easy to handle and not many are well trained for such things. Know who your support may be. Know that with that support, there will not be a rush to get to the other side. Know that when you are in that journey, it will require the assistance of someone else. Know that it is ok to have those feelings and to understand that the journey is not meant for you to complete it alone. Be strong and of good cheer. It will get better.

Reminding. Seeking. Knowing.

Roller derby

Without a doubt, I have been keeping myself busy. For a great certainty, I have been continuing on as though I were in a roller derby. I seem to continue in circles around a rink; there are other members of my "team" that are keeping a close eye on the opposing team and we link up to make sure that no one passes. But, when someone does pass, it becomes an issue to skate faster, link up and knock them out of the game and over the railing. But, the issue is to not get too close to the railing or I will end up over it. I feel that I need to get to the inside of the rink and to continue to look out for what is coming behind.

I am driven. I have been told this a couple of times now. I am driven. Sure! I am. I am determined to continue to be more than just what I am right now. So, what am I? Am I a survivor or am I an overcomer? Both! These days I have not felt too much of a sting of things; but, I do feel them. I have not been challenged much and I am very careful and certain to keep away from things that might challenge me. Since I have been told, "we can no longer meet your needs", I have been happy to accept some quiet. However, one day, several weeks ago, I had been approached from behind at church. I was sitting down and one of the men came up slowly, carefully, and from that point announced himself and then touched. Well! That is more like it! He did not know what my issues were, but I did see him coming up, and then was prepared for the initiation of the conversation. I like that. I wish that PD and PM could have understood that. But, unfortunately, not so much for them.

I am working on many things, still. I must. It is an important factor of the life. There will always be something that will stick with me; but, they do not have to overwhelm me. My fears are still there. My insecurities are still there. I do cry. I do hate what has been stirred up in me. But, I cannot allow this to incapacitate me. I will not allow it to happen. I have been allowing more touching. I have been allowing more closeness. I can work on this more carefully with no one knowing my issues. The other church is gone and no one can understand what I have been enduring during the duration. I choose not to allow others to understand. This is my walk and my journey.

So, as I have discussed in the past, I will continue. Much like the room that I am in, my emotions are very open and available to be seen. Sometimes I get very embarrassed at them and sometimes I do not care. Having such incredible hormone running around in me like craziness after chemo, I am still working to get a grip on my tears. For so long, I kept them in. Now, I have to allow them to come out very carefully and very succinctly. I am working diligently on making sure that these things are allowed to surface carefully. I am doing this. I will do this. I can do this.

My dreams are ok as well. I had one dream the other night that was a little stressful; but, not overwhleming or mindboggling. Things feel much better today. I know that stormy weather is coming and I am prepared for it.

Looking. Waiting. Sailing.

Just a smoke screen

For the past several weeks, I have had the most unbearable headaches/migraines. I certainly do hate them. This has been so powerful that I have had little function for too long. Yes, I have made it to work and back and headed back to bed or just vegged at the t.v. I know things are bothering me, but the migraines have been my smoke screen. I have had little effort to think about things in all of this. Did I say how much things are so busy again? Well, to be perfectly honest, they have been far too unbearable and the days have been so long and hard; but, I am here. I have been so physically tired that I have wanted to fall asleep driving; but, of course, I know it is not going to happen.

Since the end of December, my personal events have been trying. Yes, PM and PD have indicated that "we can no longer meet your needs". There is no need to rehash all that has been going on. It is not the point. The point is quite good actually. Strange and good at the same time. Some emails were sent out; one of which I did not read. I sent it to a friend, and she told me that it was not polite. After all of this; it comes to an end. I am glad about that. But, my journey will continue. I have an itinary that cannot stop and it will continue to the day that I feel that it is going well. It has been much better than it has for a while and that gives me a great reason to take a deep breathe and move on. I can breathe. But, I know that the journey to wellness is incremental. I am thankful that when this all started, I knew that I had to do something. I did not realize that 20 years ago I would be set on this journey. I did not realize the pursuit of all things normal would be a lifelong journey. It is going to be good.

I have noticed one thing. All is quiet. I have no one to challenge me or to challenge in return. I feel that I am "on hold" for the duration. I feel good; however, I am concerned about being stirred up again with respect to these matters. I know that my anger is still very deep. I know that my thoughts run very deep as well. And, I do know that my emotions are very much at the surface. These emotions are of what has been going on over the past couple of years since my cancer diagnosis. Some topics of discussion are ok and do not cause as much emotional turmoil. Some things I am looking at learning to walk away; others seem as though I am climbing a rocky cliff. Picturesque as it may be; I have much that needs to be discussed yet. I want to get to the core of all of this and I will. Why? I know that others can see differences in me and I would like to be able to feel normal. It can be quite tiring to always feel as though I am different. I am. But, I know I am the only one that feels that way. I have a different normal of restrictions. One thing that I am at ease about is that I do not have anyone trying to touch me a lot or even trying to be overly fondling. Sometimes I feel like Emperor Cuzco and "no touchee". I know what I can tolerate and I know what I need to be challenged with. There is no one to challenge me in this. I feel ok with this at the moment. But, I cannot get overly comfortable. I realize that my own limitations must be challenged and new boundaries created. I can do this! I must do this.

So, what boundaries must I examine? What smoke screen is there now? These migraines are the biggest hurdle at the moment. I have been challenged with a lot of them for too long. Where do they come from? Post chemo life has given me chronic migraines. But, there are triggers. When I am stressed and tired, I am easily triggered. Scents and colognes are the guilty culprits. Too many times I had asked PM to stop wearing the colognes. So, these migraines have been so profoundly bothersome. Too, they are so bad at times, I do not like anyone to get too close. I have to work extra hard to not bite off someone's head. I would love to just have the world go away.

But, all of this said, I look back and now I get to look forward. I am in my comfort zone and I think that is where I need to be for the time being. I am not going to fight it. I have been so tired from being sick. It is time to rest. It will be time to stretch soon enough.

Looking. Seeking. Finding. Stretching.

Connecting the dots

Certainly, there are many aspects of my behavior that I have been working to connect the dots with. Today, I had one that was connected--self-preservation. One of my defense mechanisms is that I do not want to go through what I had experienced again and I feel that I have a certain aspect of self-preservation tht I must experience. This is normal. This is to be expected. However, I must be aware of just how much compensation that I express to maintain self-preservation. This self-preservation is innate to all of us; however, traumatic events usually preserve these feelings and may create an over-exaggeration of behavior. I recognize that my lack of willingness to be touched is just that. While I long to be touched, it is something that is conditional and the person must understand that touch is a priviledge and not just haphazzard.

I am reminded not to take on all of this at once. I know that I am the type of person that will run into things head on. However, over the years, I had learned to just suppress as much as possible. Now, I cannot. You know this already about me. I am working diligently on making sure that I address what is needed to take care of myself.  "Take on only a small bite of the issue a day. If yo ufeel overwhelmed, slow down. If you experience panic, discuss it with your therapist and work on coping skills related to panic attacks." This is very astute! I have experienced this many times and I have chosen to take small pieces at a time; hwover, when these "small bites" get stuck, there is no choice but to force right through it and to get to a point of emotional safety. I have done that with touching. I can only handle so much at a time. Too much over a certain amount of time is just too much.

Panic attacks. I do have them. I do recognize them. I get anxious and things just seem to speed up and do not slow down. Then, I have to recognize that is what is going on and from that point, make a plan of attack. These things will stop and I will recognize that some events are meant to just not be allowed to overwhelm me. Sometimes the whole aspect of having things spin out of control can be so aggravating; then, I realize that the only way for this to stop is when I do. So, I tell things around me to stop. Then, I figure out what has been going on to trigger it and then it gets better. I have learned to communicate what bothers me. I think that I am doing much better at it but I need to continue to press forward. This will not stop me. I will continue. I say it and I keep doing it.

The right rape counselor. So, PM and PD are gone and it has left a hole in me. So, I am in the process of looking for another person. This is not well undestood. I am looking forward to more discussions. The book that I am using has been very helpful as a guide. "Physican heal thyself". So, being more sedate knowing that not everyone is a good rape counselor, I must continue to search for what is needed. I feel that I have openned up and I am laid bare without an avenue to continue. I have been honest and I know that honesty is a greater cure than anything else. It is the honesty of one's own condition and not of mere accepting fault or blame. There is no fault or blame when it comes to being a victim. There is no fault or blame when someone chooses to create an assault. There is not fault or blame when it comes to someone who chooses to hurt you. Accepting the fact that no wrong has been done is difficult; but, it is important to my recovery. I still have a lot of blame and I still have a lot of shame from the act that was done. I know that I must continue to give myself strong positve feedback when I know that I have done nothing wrong. I do know that I deal with shame too much. I do want to get beyond this shame and to continue to a lot more peace. This shame is still so deep.

So, I am stuck. I am stuck at a point where I need to find someone very qualifed to meet my discussions. Thre is still so much to do and so far to go.

Looking on. Seeking further. Reaching out.

Hitting the ground and waiting

There have been so many long days that I have experienced. Hitting the ground and waiting for more things to come. The days are ok. They are long and they are full of expectation. Yes, I do miss PM and PD; however, what I do miss the most is being able to rely upon someone to help process these thoughts and emotions. But, I have come so far that I know that I will be able to address things on my own. The journey is not over yet. The journey is long and it is going to take a lot longer. I realize that because I am not really discussing things openly, I know that I must continue to pursue things for myself.

My thoughts are not vexed; they are not worrisome. My dreams have been good. I know that the days that I have had with PM and PD are not moot. I am looking to continue and to think about the past couple of years, I am full of emotion. So much has gone on and there is nothing that can be done. What are my options now? What am I thinking? I was thinking of other options to continue. I will continue with this blog and will not stop it. I have found that it has been very rewarding to process my thoughts. There have been times when I have felt that I was dry and could not explain another feeling or express any more of my thoughts; but, I continued through. There is a lot in me that still needs to be discussed and I will continue to do that. 

Trust. I still have an issue with trust that has been violated. I trusted to open up and to share the most personal of things at the cost of being treated as though something was very wrong with me. I trusted when there was no idea of how things were going to be accepted, they were laughed, mocked and scoffed. Not all the time or at every time, but my inner conflicts were made open and to my avail, not completely understood. I am tired. 

To understand. How can anyone really understand what has happened? When all of this got stirred up, I had no idea what was going on with me. Then I started to get some answers and then the shock again and again and again. How is it I could live with this experience and bury it so much? I did. I buried it because not many understood what tainted me and why I was so different. I have treated with quite a bit. Then, I get told again and again to keep it buried and to trust very little with how they can help me. I still need to understand what is going on. The battle does continue and it continues at the expense still trying to get answers. But, I realize that I must continue and allow the answers to naturally come to me. 

Why would I want to seek answers? Why would I want to seek a better way of existing and not having to worry about constant touching or being squished in tiny places or even dark, cluttered, trapped places? I think that if I pay attention to it too much, it will really bother me. Too, I do realize that these things must be addressed. They must be continued to be worked with. 

I have been told many things and I am just as determined to meet these places and see them through. I am determined. 

I watched a movie the other day that got me. I had gone home and it was very disturbing to me ... Sleeping with the Enemy. I was at work and it came on. When I had left for home, I felt so anxious. It had me upset for several hours and ... I know. I had to do the mental run-down. It is ok. Why it bothered me at this time I do not know. I have seen it before without such emotion. 

Thinking and working. Working. Thinking.