For the longest efforts that I have had, I must express one thing that has not been addressed thus far. How to respond back to a person who has experienced trauama. To take an effort and to learn how to respond takes a caring person who is willing to accept the fact errors are going to be made in learning how to respond back. When we share with others our deepest and darkest concerns, we want to know that the other person will be listening and not thinking about tomorrow's dinner. Responding back to a person who chooses to share is so very important.
When I had shared with PM, it was the most difficult thing ever. I had realized that I needed to share. I realized that, prior to all of the chemo and cancer, I needed to start to learn how to share and to trust; it was one of the most difficult things that I could have ever engaged in. Today, I no longer attend HLCC because of the level of engagement that I have partook. I have been brutally honest when the days were requing it and to teach and make an opportunity to show PM what it would mean to be part of the leadership of a CC.
"May I ask you a question?" was how I would open many conversations. When the floodgates of conversation started, it was open and the torrent could not be closed. I had realized that I had been silent for far too long. I had realized, in the more well of my days that I needed to have someone listen and to milk the process and to allow it to come forward. Today, I hold the same position; but, this may not be the outcome that was meant. It was the chance I had to take. Was it worth it? Yes. To me, it was well worth it. For him? Perhaps not. But, in years to come, I pray that he understands what it means to be the one that holds such precious thoughts.
Listen. Do more than just using your ears to hear what is being said, but to physically listen. Sit attentatively. Do not look all around and hope that someone interrupts the conversation. This is cold and heartless. Understand that eye contact, whether the other person can make it or not, needs to be allowed to wander from the person sharing. But look listening. Your facial expressions make all the difference in the world and they are the most impacting and bonding of all. The deepest and most significant gift that may be acquired in all of this is the gift of trust that is bonded inside. This is something that is not given easily and cannot be taken back so easily. Once trust has been established, then the sharing process has begun and a seed of hope has been planted. It will be a difficult process; but, it is a process that must come. Be prepared.
What to say. No one can easily understand what to say. When a person is sharing, they are searching for a way to describe what had happened. Some may be rude and vulgar about the event--it is merely the anger of assault and trauma. It has to come out and be said. Do not be afraid to hear words that are related to body parts. Do not tell the other person that they need to use better language. This is cathartic, and once it has been said, it will be easier to overcome it, accept it and to then overcome the next process. Healing.
Dialogue. Allow the person who has been traumatized to discuss. This is a process that the person has been needing to engage in. The horror of the experience is very real. Every experience is different and every experience has the same outcome--pain and injury. Even if your thoughts and comments are minimal, your presence is more than what is needed. That helps to begin the healing process. This does not mean that everything will come out all at once. This may take days, weeks, or even months. But, this is the beginning. I still feel the need to discuss some things in depth. Just because the event has been discussed once, twice, or multiple times, does not mean that the process is complete. You are in the process and the process is doing what it is supposed to do. It is designed to allow the healing to begin and for the other person to understand what they are feeling and to help identify the emotions and to work them out in their own due time. Does this mean that the other person does not need direction in the discussion? All the more so for it. The other person would hope that you help to make some sence of what has happened and from that point, to continue to look for the answers. Some of these answers are life-long. So, do not be afraid of time that is well spent. The victim within is emerging to the victor without. Victory is the finish line. It is more than just becoming a survivor. It is more than just recovery. It is learning to be what was removed in a single ugly act. It is the equivelant of transplanting daisies for peonies.
What not to say. This can be more of a discovery process for both; but, you will learn quickly what not to say. Do not say that "just get over it" is enough. It is not a matter of "just getting over it" or even "pity party". This is a time of healing and grieving for what is lost. Healing, like any other illness, requires time. It requires therapy in many forms. It requires a warm and needed touch to a hurt and arid place--the heart of the person. This place is very important to rebuild. It can make the difference of life or death. This is not melodramatic. Many men and women engage in self-abuse and harm. Their lives are impacted with substance abuse and alcholism or even suicide. There will be days where no one will know what to say; but, at that point, compassion is the greatest key. Know when love is all that you need and to encourage in care and caution. To avoid such events of abuse and self-harm, the sooner the help and communication the better.
There may be that individual who may not be able to recover the way that you would like. There is that person who maintains complete resistance. There will be times when you will not feel like wanting to continue your sharpest; but, I guarantee you that it is the most rewarding thing ever. When you know that a person that you have shared with listens, it is more precious than anything else in this life. It is more precious than the air in your lungs.
As a woman of faith, I do not count it as a lack of faith to experience my emotional days. All the more so the contrary. The LORD specifically intends for all of us to share in our emotions and to be aware that they are present during time of difficulty. The medicine is on the way. The only way to overcome these things is time and with that the gifted hands of a healer. Take that opportunity to continue. You know someone who may need to have those hands stretched out. Walk carefully and understand that when you are gifted with the secret that you will receive, it is more precious than anything. In the same aspect, the burden of knowledge can change you in ways that you had never expected.
Looking on. Reaching out. Pressing in.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Once more around the block
Once more around the block, please. Yes, this seems to be one more added thing these days. Over the past couple of years, there have beem many things going on. Yes, I see that. I look back and wonder about outcomes and inputs. So much has gone before me and I have discussed this with many. But, the discussions are taking its toll. I remember saying to PM that sharing would not be a good idea and that he could not handle my share. Yes, I was correct. I can see, hindsight being 20/20 that I was correct. So, what to be done now. Yes, my mind seems to be thinking about so much.
It has been nearly 6 months since I have been at HLCC. It has been nearly 3 months since I have communicated with PM--PD is different. For some reason, it does not seem to be something that is accepted. The judicial mandate coming down to the wire. I have been very careful to not approach some things with some persons. I will not give up. I will not accept the final decision of some things. I am experiencing some very intriguing thoughts and emotions. What people have been telling me is very conflicting, and my goal now is to go through what has been said and to get some correct answers. Soon, it will be time to start writing and to create some literature from all of this. Will this start tomorrow? Yes, but not the immediate. I still have so much more to go.
I have not been able to get into my handbook lately; this year has brought so much personal health difficutlies and so I have had to address those altogether. But, as I will continue, I will be sure and certain to start creating a manuscript about what has gone on. From the beginning, I had the attention. Now, things have been left to the wayside. For so many who have experienced these sorts of things, it is difficult for them to seive through and to determine what is right or wrong. So many in churches all around the country and globe are told some very interesting things; but, even more so, too many people are not qualified or capable of helping those individuals who have been victimized by their mates/spouces. We will conquor and we will be determined that this will do better than what it has been before.
I am tired. I have been tired for a long, long time. I can see that all of this is working hand in hand. I am tired of the struggle and how to compensate. Now that I attend a different church, I am compensating quite a bit. I do not like it. I wonder when I am going to stop compensating. I do not want anyone to know what I have been through at this new church. I have been attending it, now, for nearly a year. I was attending one service a week for a bit, then started to attend during more services. I have been accepted more and I am trying to get more involved and just allow some things (my emotions) to naturally extinguish. I find myself missing the old church and wanting to email or call. But, I have to really discipline myself and not do it. When I have found myself just feeling odd, and needing, I want to call or text. But, I find myself fighting that more and more. I look forward to not wanting to have any communication whatsoever. But, of all people, he understands the most. Really.
I have had more flashbacks this week as well. It has been very difficult. Usually the same thing. Remember, no matter what anyone says, speaking nasty sexual language to your partner to get them get into the moment is not ok. Remember, respect the intimacy and learn a love language. It will last longer and remain in your heart sweeter.
I have been stressed and so these flashbacks have worsened again. I would like to text PD but I am not sure. I would like to tell PJ and PC. But, I am not sure how that will sit. I have to be able to withstand and endure this. These conversations with new people may not be good. The conversations with the current ones may be getting too burdensome.
This is a huge concern with anyone who wants to pursue and overcome. The content of conversation is not always easy to handle and not many are well trained for such things. Know who your support may be. Know that with that support, there will not be a rush to get to the other side. Know that when you are in that journey, it will require the assistance of someone else. Know that it is ok to have those feelings and to understand that the journey is not meant for you to complete it alone. Be strong and of good cheer. It will get better.
Reminding. Seeking. Knowing.
It has been nearly 6 months since I have been at HLCC. It has been nearly 3 months since I have communicated with PM--PD is different. For some reason, it does not seem to be something that is accepted. The judicial mandate coming down to the wire. I have been very careful to not approach some things with some persons. I will not give up. I will not accept the final decision of some things. I am experiencing some very intriguing thoughts and emotions. What people have been telling me is very conflicting, and my goal now is to go through what has been said and to get some correct answers. Soon, it will be time to start writing and to create some literature from all of this. Will this start tomorrow? Yes, but not the immediate. I still have so much more to go.
I have not been able to get into my handbook lately; this year has brought so much personal health difficutlies and so I have had to address those altogether. But, as I will continue, I will be sure and certain to start creating a manuscript about what has gone on. From the beginning, I had the attention. Now, things have been left to the wayside. For so many who have experienced these sorts of things, it is difficult for them to seive through and to determine what is right or wrong. So many in churches all around the country and globe are told some very interesting things; but, even more so, too many people are not qualified or capable of helping those individuals who have been victimized by their mates/spouces. We will conquor and we will be determined that this will do better than what it has been before.
I am tired. I have been tired for a long, long time. I can see that all of this is working hand in hand. I am tired of the struggle and how to compensate. Now that I attend a different church, I am compensating quite a bit. I do not like it. I wonder when I am going to stop compensating. I do not want anyone to know what I have been through at this new church. I have been attending it, now, for nearly a year. I was attending one service a week for a bit, then started to attend during more services. I have been accepted more and I am trying to get more involved and just allow some things (my emotions) to naturally extinguish. I find myself missing the old church and wanting to email or call. But, I have to really discipline myself and not do it. When I have found myself just feeling odd, and needing, I want to call or text. But, I find myself fighting that more and more. I look forward to not wanting to have any communication whatsoever. But, of all people, he understands the most. Really.
I have had more flashbacks this week as well. It has been very difficult. Usually the same thing. Remember, no matter what anyone says, speaking nasty sexual language to your partner to get them get into the moment is not ok. Remember, respect the intimacy and learn a love language. It will last longer and remain in your heart sweeter.
I have been stressed and so these flashbacks have worsened again. I would like to text PD but I am not sure. I would like to tell PJ and PC. But, I am not sure how that will sit. I have to be able to withstand and endure this. These conversations with new people may not be good. The conversations with the current ones may be getting too burdensome.
This is a huge concern with anyone who wants to pursue and overcome. The content of conversation is not always easy to handle and not many are well trained for such things. Know who your support may be. Know that with that support, there will not be a rush to get to the other side. Know that when you are in that journey, it will require the assistance of someone else. Know that it is ok to have those feelings and to understand that the journey is not meant for you to complete it alone. Be strong and of good cheer. It will get better.
Reminding. Seeking. Knowing.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Roller derby
Without a doubt, I have been keeping myself busy. For a great certainty, I have been continuing on as though I were in a roller derby. I seem to continue in circles around a rink; there are other members of my "team" that are keeping a close eye on the opposing team and we link up to make sure that no one passes. But, when someone does pass, it becomes an issue to skate faster, link up and knock them out of the game and over the railing. But, the issue is to not get too close to the railing or I will end up over it. I feel that I need to get to the inside of the rink and to continue to look out for what is coming behind.
I am driven. I have been told this a couple of times now. I am driven. Sure! I am. I am determined to continue to be more than just what I am right now. So, what am I? Am I a survivor or am I an overcomer? Both! These days I have not felt too much of a sting of things; but, I do feel them. I have not been challenged much and I am very careful and certain to keep away from things that might challenge me. Since I have been told, "we can no longer meet your needs", I have been happy to accept some quiet. However, one day, several weeks ago, I had been approached from behind at church. I was sitting down and one of the men came up slowly, carefully, and from that point announced himself and then touched. Well! That is more like it! He did not know what my issues were, but I did see him coming up, and then was prepared for the initiation of the conversation. I like that. I wish that PD and PM could have understood that. But, unfortunately, not so much for them.
I am working on many things, still. I must. It is an important factor of the life. There will always be something that will stick with me; but, they do not have to overwhelm me. My fears are still there. My insecurities are still there. I do cry. I do hate what has been stirred up in me. But, I cannot allow this to incapacitate me. I will not allow it to happen. I have been allowing more touching. I have been allowing more closeness. I can work on this more carefully with no one knowing my issues. The other church is gone and no one can understand what I have been enduring during the duration. I choose not to allow others to understand. This is my walk and my journey.
So, as I have discussed in the past, I will continue. Much like the room that I am in, my emotions are very open and available to be seen. Sometimes I get very embarrassed at them and sometimes I do not care. Having such incredible hormone running around in me like craziness after chemo, I am still working to get a grip on my tears. For so long, I kept them in. Now, I have to allow them to come out very carefully and very succinctly. I am working diligently on making sure that these things are allowed to surface carefully. I am doing this. I will do this. I can do this.
My dreams are ok as well. I had one dream the other night that was a little stressful; but, not overwhleming or mindboggling. Things feel much better today. I know that stormy weather is coming and I am prepared for it.
Looking. Waiting. Sailing.
I am driven. I have been told this a couple of times now. I am driven. Sure! I am. I am determined to continue to be more than just what I am right now. So, what am I? Am I a survivor or am I an overcomer? Both! These days I have not felt too much of a sting of things; but, I do feel them. I have not been challenged much and I am very careful and certain to keep away from things that might challenge me. Since I have been told, "we can no longer meet your needs", I have been happy to accept some quiet. However, one day, several weeks ago, I had been approached from behind at church. I was sitting down and one of the men came up slowly, carefully, and from that point announced himself and then touched. Well! That is more like it! He did not know what my issues were, but I did see him coming up, and then was prepared for the initiation of the conversation. I like that. I wish that PD and PM could have understood that. But, unfortunately, not so much for them.
I am working on many things, still. I must. It is an important factor of the life. There will always be something that will stick with me; but, they do not have to overwhelm me. My fears are still there. My insecurities are still there. I do cry. I do hate what has been stirred up in me. But, I cannot allow this to incapacitate me. I will not allow it to happen. I have been allowing more touching. I have been allowing more closeness. I can work on this more carefully with no one knowing my issues. The other church is gone and no one can understand what I have been enduring during the duration. I choose not to allow others to understand. This is my walk and my journey.
So, as I have discussed in the past, I will continue. Much like the room that I am in, my emotions are very open and available to be seen. Sometimes I get very embarrassed at them and sometimes I do not care. Having such incredible hormone running around in me like craziness after chemo, I am still working to get a grip on my tears. For so long, I kept them in. Now, I have to allow them to come out very carefully and very succinctly. I am working diligently on making sure that these things are allowed to surface carefully. I am doing this. I will do this. I can do this.
My dreams are ok as well. I had one dream the other night that was a little stressful; but, not overwhleming or mindboggling. Things feel much better today. I know that stormy weather is coming and I am prepared for it.
Looking. Waiting. Sailing.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Just a smoke screen
For the past several weeks, I have had the most unbearable headaches/migraines. I certainly do hate them. This has been so powerful that I have had little function for too long. Yes, I have made it to work and back and headed back to bed or just vegged at the t.v. I know things are bothering me, but the migraines have been my smoke screen. I have had little effort to think about things in all of this. Did I say how much things are so busy again? Well, to be perfectly honest, they have been far too unbearable and the days have been so long and hard; but, I am here. I have been so physically tired that I have wanted to fall asleep driving; but, of course, I know it is not going to happen.
Since the end of December, my personal events have been trying. Yes, PM and PD have indicated that "we can no longer meet your needs". There is no need to rehash all that has been going on. It is not the point. The point is quite good actually. Strange and good at the same time. Some emails were sent out; one of which I did not read. I sent it to a friend, and she told me that it was not polite. After all of this; it comes to an end. I am glad about that. But, my journey will continue. I have an itinary that cannot stop and it will continue to the day that I feel that it is going well. It has been much better than it has for a while and that gives me a great reason to take a deep breathe and move on. I can breathe. But, I know that the journey to wellness is incremental. I am thankful that when this all started, I knew that I had to do something. I did not realize that 20 years ago I would be set on this journey. I did not realize the pursuit of all things normal would be a lifelong journey. It is going to be good.
I have noticed one thing. All is quiet. I have no one to challenge me or to challenge in return. I feel that I am "on hold" for the duration. I feel good; however, I am concerned about being stirred up again with respect to these matters. I know that my anger is still very deep. I know that my thoughts run very deep as well. And, I do know that my emotions are very much at the surface. These emotions are of what has been going on over the past couple of years since my cancer diagnosis. Some topics of discussion are ok and do not cause as much emotional turmoil. Some things I am looking at learning to walk away; others seem as though I am climbing a rocky cliff. Picturesque as it may be; I have much that needs to be discussed yet. I want to get to the core of all of this and I will. Why? I know that others can see differences in me and I would like to be able to feel normal. It can be quite tiring to always feel as though I am different. I am. But, I know I am the only one that feels that way. I have a different normal of restrictions. One thing that I am at ease about is that I do not have anyone trying to touch me a lot or even trying to be overly fondling. Sometimes I feel like Emperor Cuzco and "no touchee". I know what I can tolerate and I know what I need to be challenged with. There is no one to challenge me in this. I feel ok with this at the moment. But, I cannot get overly comfortable. I realize that my own limitations must be challenged and new boundaries created. I can do this! I must do this.
So, what boundaries must I examine? What smoke screen is there now? These migraines are the biggest hurdle at the moment. I have been challenged with a lot of them for too long. Where do they come from? Post chemo life has given me chronic migraines. But, there are triggers. When I am stressed and tired, I am easily triggered. Scents and colognes are the guilty culprits. Too many times I had asked PM to stop wearing the colognes. So, these migraines have been so profoundly bothersome. Too, they are so bad at times, I do not like anyone to get too close. I have to work extra hard to not bite off someone's head. I would love to just have the world go away.
But, all of this said, I look back and now I get to look forward. I am in my comfort zone and I think that is where I need to be for the time being. I am not going to fight it. I have been so tired from being sick. It is time to rest. It will be time to stretch soon enough.
Looking. Seeking. Finding. Stretching.
Since the end of December, my personal events have been trying. Yes, PM and PD have indicated that "we can no longer meet your needs". There is no need to rehash all that has been going on. It is not the point. The point is quite good actually. Strange and good at the same time. Some emails were sent out; one of which I did not read. I sent it to a friend, and she told me that it was not polite. After all of this; it comes to an end. I am glad about that. But, my journey will continue. I have an itinary that cannot stop and it will continue to the day that I feel that it is going well. It has been much better than it has for a while and that gives me a great reason to take a deep breathe and move on. I can breathe. But, I know that the journey to wellness is incremental. I am thankful that when this all started, I knew that I had to do something. I did not realize that 20 years ago I would be set on this journey. I did not realize the pursuit of all things normal would be a lifelong journey. It is going to be good.
I have noticed one thing. All is quiet. I have no one to challenge me or to challenge in return. I feel that I am "on hold" for the duration. I feel good; however, I am concerned about being stirred up again with respect to these matters. I know that my anger is still very deep. I know that my thoughts run very deep as well. And, I do know that my emotions are very much at the surface. These emotions are of what has been going on over the past couple of years since my cancer diagnosis. Some topics of discussion are ok and do not cause as much emotional turmoil. Some things I am looking at learning to walk away; others seem as though I am climbing a rocky cliff. Picturesque as it may be; I have much that needs to be discussed yet. I want to get to the core of all of this and I will. Why? I know that others can see differences in me and I would like to be able to feel normal. It can be quite tiring to always feel as though I am different. I am. But, I know I am the only one that feels that way. I have a different normal of restrictions. One thing that I am at ease about is that I do not have anyone trying to touch me a lot or even trying to be overly fondling. Sometimes I feel like Emperor Cuzco and "no touchee". I know what I can tolerate and I know what I need to be challenged with. There is no one to challenge me in this. I feel ok with this at the moment. But, I cannot get overly comfortable. I realize that my own limitations must be challenged and new boundaries created. I can do this! I must do this.
So, what boundaries must I examine? What smoke screen is there now? These migraines are the biggest hurdle at the moment. I have been challenged with a lot of them for too long. Where do they come from? Post chemo life has given me chronic migraines. But, there are triggers. When I am stressed and tired, I am easily triggered. Scents and colognes are the guilty culprits. Too many times I had asked PM to stop wearing the colognes. So, these migraines have been so profoundly bothersome. Too, they are so bad at times, I do not like anyone to get too close. I have to work extra hard to not bite off someone's head. I would love to just have the world go away.
But, all of this said, I look back and now I get to look forward. I am in my comfort zone and I think that is where I need to be for the time being. I am not going to fight it. I have been so tired from being sick. It is time to rest. It will be time to stretch soon enough.
Looking. Seeking. Finding. Stretching.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Connecting the dots
Certainly, there are many aspects of my behavior that I have been working to connect the dots with. Today, I had one that was connected--self-preservation. One of my defense mechanisms is that I do not want to go through what I had experienced again and I feel that I have a certain aspect of self-preservation tht I must experience. This is normal. This is to be expected. However, I must be aware of just how much compensation that I express to maintain self-preservation. This self-preservation is innate to all of us; however, traumatic events usually preserve these feelings and may create an over-exaggeration of behavior. I recognize that my lack of willingness to be touched is just that. While I long to be touched, it is something that is conditional and the person must understand that touch is a priviledge and not just haphazzard.
I am reminded not to take on all of this at once. I know that I am the type of person that will run into things head on. However, over the years, I had learned to just suppress as much as possible. Now, I cannot. You know this already about me. I am working diligently on making sure that I address what is needed to take care of myself. "Take on only a small bite of the issue a day. If yo ufeel overwhelmed, slow down. If you experience panic, discuss it with your therapist and work on coping skills related to panic attacks." This is very astute! I have experienced this many times and I have chosen to take small pieces at a time; hwover, when these "small bites" get stuck, there is no choice but to force right through it and to get to a point of emotional safety. I have done that with touching. I can only handle so much at a time. Too much over a certain amount of time is just too much.
Panic attacks. I do have them. I do recognize them. I get anxious and things just seem to speed up and do not slow down. Then, I have to recognize that is what is going on and from that point, make a plan of attack. These things will stop and I will recognize that some events are meant to just not be allowed to overwhelm me. Sometimes the whole aspect of having things spin out of control can be so aggravating; then, I realize that the only way for this to stop is when I do. So, I tell things around me to stop. Then, I figure out what has been going on to trigger it and then it gets better. I have learned to communicate what bothers me. I think that I am doing much better at it but I need to continue to press forward. This will not stop me. I will continue. I say it and I keep doing it.
The right rape counselor. So, PM and PD are gone and it has left a hole in me. So, I am in the process of looking for another person. This is not well undestood. I am looking forward to more discussions. The book that I am using has been very helpful as a guide. "Physican heal thyself". So, being more sedate knowing that not everyone is a good rape counselor, I must continue to search for what is needed. I feel that I have openned up and I am laid bare without an avenue to continue. I have been honest and I know that honesty is a greater cure than anything else. It is the honesty of one's own condition and not of mere accepting fault or blame. There is no fault or blame when it comes to being a victim. There is no fault or blame when someone chooses to create an assault. There is not fault or blame when it comes to someone who chooses to hurt you. Accepting the fact that no wrong has been done is difficult; but, it is important to my recovery. I still have a lot of blame and I still have a lot of shame from the act that was done. I know that I must continue to give myself strong positve feedback when I know that I have done nothing wrong. I do know that I deal with shame too much. I do want to get beyond this shame and to continue to a lot more peace. This shame is still so deep.
So, I am stuck. I am stuck at a point where I need to find someone very qualifed to meet my discussions. Thre is still so much to do and so far to go.
Looking on. Seeking further. Reaching out.
I am reminded not to take on all of this at once. I know that I am the type of person that will run into things head on. However, over the years, I had learned to just suppress as much as possible. Now, I cannot. You know this already about me. I am working diligently on making sure that I address what is needed to take care of myself. "Take on only a small bite of the issue a day. If yo ufeel overwhelmed, slow down. If you experience panic, discuss it with your therapist and work on coping skills related to panic attacks." This is very astute! I have experienced this many times and I have chosen to take small pieces at a time; hwover, when these "small bites" get stuck, there is no choice but to force right through it and to get to a point of emotional safety. I have done that with touching. I can only handle so much at a time. Too much over a certain amount of time is just too much.
Panic attacks. I do have them. I do recognize them. I get anxious and things just seem to speed up and do not slow down. Then, I have to recognize that is what is going on and from that point, make a plan of attack. These things will stop and I will recognize that some events are meant to just not be allowed to overwhelm me. Sometimes the whole aspect of having things spin out of control can be so aggravating; then, I realize that the only way for this to stop is when I do. So, I tell things around me to stop. Then, I figure out what has been going on to trigger it and then it gets better. I have learned to communicate what bothers me. I think that I am doing much better at it but I need to continue to press forward. This will not stop me. I will continue. I say it and I keep doing it.
The right rape counselor. So, PM and PD are gone and it has left a hole in me. So, I am in the process of looking for another person. This is not well undestood. I am looking forward to more discussions. The book that I am using has been very helpful as a guide. "Physican heal thyself". So, being more sedate knowing that not everyone is a good rape counselor, I must continue to search for what is needed. I feel that I have openned up and I am laid bare without an avenue to continue. I have been honest and I know that honesty is a greater cure than anything else. It is the honesty of one's own condition and not of mere accepting fault or blame. There is no fault or blame when it comes to being a victim. There is no fault or blame when someone chooses to create an assault. There is not fault or blame when it comes to someone who chooses to hurt you. Accepting the fact that no wrong has been done is difficult; but, it is important to my recovery. I still have a lot of blame and I still have a lot of shame from the act that was done. I know that I must continue to give myself strong positve feedback when I know that I have done nothing wrong. I do know that I deal with shame too much. I do want to get beyond this shame and to continue to a lot more peace. This shame is still so deep.
So, I am stuck. I am stuck at a point where I need to find someone very qualifed to meet my discussions. Thre is still so much to do and so far to go.
Looking on. Seeking further. Reaching out.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Hitting the ground and waiting
There have been so many long days that I have experienced. Hitting the ground and waiting for more things to come. The days are ok. They are long and they are full of expectation. Yes, I do miss PM and PD; however, what I do miss the most is being able to rely upon someone to help process these thoughts and emotions. But, I have come so far that I know that I will be able to address things on my own. The journey is not over yet. The journey is long and it is going to take a lot longer. I realize that because I am not really discussing things openly, I know that I must continue to pursue things for myself.
My thoughts are not vexed; they are not worrisome. My dreams have been good. I know that the days that I have had with PM and PD are not moot. I am looking to continue and to think about the past couple of years, I am full of emotion. So much has gone on and there is nothing that can be done. What are my options now? What am I thinking? I was thinking of other options to continue. I will continue with this blog and will not stop it. I have found that it has been very rewarding to process my thoughts. There have been times when I have felt that I was dry and could not explain another feeling or express any more of my thoughts; but, I continued through. There is a lot in me that still needs to be discussed and I will continue to do that.
Trust. I still have an issue with trust that has been violated. I trusted to open up and to share the most personal of things at the cost of being treated as though something was very wrong with me. I trusted when there was no idea of how things were going to be accepted, they were laughed, mocked and scoffed. Not all the time or at every time, but my inner conflicts were made open and to my avail, not completely understood. I am tired.
To understand. How can anyone really understand what has happened? When all of this got stirred up, I had no idea what was going on with me. Then I started to get some answers and then the shock again and again and again. How is it I could live with this experience and bury it so much? I did. I buried it because not many understood what tainted me and why I was so different. I have treated with quite a bit. Then, I get told again and again to keep it buried and to trust very little with how they can help me. I still need to understand what is going on. The battle does continue and it continues at the expense still trying to get answers. But, I realize that I must continue and allow the answers to naturally come to me.
Why would I want to seek answers? Why would I want to seek a better way of existing and not having to worry about constant touching or being squished in tiny places or even dark, cluttered, trapped places? I think that if I pay attention to it too much, it will really bother me. Too, I do realize that these things must be addressed. They must be continued to be worked with.
I have been told many things and I am just as determined to meet these places and see them through. I am determined.
I watched a movie the other day that got me. I had gone home and it was very disturbing to me ... Sleeping with the Enemy. I was at work and it came on. When I had left for home, I felt so anxious. It had me upset for several hours and ... I know. I had to do the mental run-down. It is ok. Why it bothered me at this time I do not know. I have seen it before without such emotion.
Thinking and working. Working. Thinking.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Now I know what may come ... it has arrived
Now, I know what comes my way. It has come. Last week, I was able to discuss with PM about things. It has been a couple weeks since my last post. I have been somewhat busy. Finals and all that wonderful stuff. But, nothing so incredibly impacting than what was said last week. Yes, I am forward and outspoken. Yes, I say what is on my mind. Yes, the past couple of years have been incredible for me. In November, I had sent one of the final emails of honesty and heart wrenching thoughts to both PM and PD. This has been it. I knew something was on the way and now I know. Last week, after all of this, there has been a parting of the ways. I was told, last week, that HLCC can no longer "meet my needs".
What can I say about all of this? What have I been saying about all of this from the beginning? "You need to share" is what I remember that started all of this and I had responded with "you cannot handle my share". Yes, I was outspoken. No, I did not hold my tongue. Pushed and pressed, I have said what I have said. What gets me to no end was that at this point, PM wanted "all of us" to meet at the office and to discuss this. Well, it was going to be a three to one meeting. No. I can hardly see that happening. I cannot see that this is something that would be making me happy or comfortable. But, to make matters better, "I can email you with the issues". Certainly, I do not plan to have that emailed to me. It matters to me no more. So, I did email him to let him know that it did not matter what was going on and that I wished him the best in the events of HLCC. It was his suggestion that he email me with the issues because I communicate better online than I do face-to-face.
As I look back, I look at what has been going on. Yes, you know everything that has been going on and of course, there are things that will always be seen easier. My thoughts are running through my heart in ways that I cannot express. I was leery about many things and I was uncertain about things. "Trust me." Why? Sharing what I have been sharing is not easy. It is not something that I particularly care to have many around me, close to me, to know. I have hid these things for a very long time and I have been certain about so many things; now, I am certain about even more. Caution must be emphasized when addressing all of this with anyone else.
Now, I go to church in the adjacent county. I was told that the current church is not the place for me. What are the issues? You can imagine--texting, calling, emailing. Oh, yea. I did tell PM and PD that the policies of the church were not good and too rigid and that they needed to change. Yes, I was forward and ballsy. But, I will not change in that regard. I have been told many things and I have said many things. These things are not going to be apologized for any time soon.
I know that I must continue to work on many things and will not stop. Yes, the past several months have been most difficult and must not be something that will stop me from wanting to move forward with. I have seen so much the past couple of years that no one should ever have to go through. But, even more so, there are things that I will not ever stop believing. There are things that I am more determined to complete than ever. Yes, I will consider visiting time to time, but not anytime soon. I must be willing to deal with what has been done and to move forward without hatred or animosity. That is not what it is all about.
Believing. Pushing. Pressing in.
What can I say about all of this? What have I been saying about all of this from the beginning? "You need to share" is what I remember that started all of this and I had responded with "you cannot handle my share". Yes, I was outspoken. No, I did not hold my tongue. Pushed and pressed, I have said what I have said. What gets me to no end was that at this point, PM wanted "all of us" to meet at the office and to discuss this. Well, it was going to be a three to one meeting. No. I can hardly see that happening. I cannot see that this is something that would be making me happy or comfortable. But, to make matters better, "I can email you with the issues". Certainly, I do not plan to have that emailed to me. It matters to me no more. So, I did email him to let him know that it did not matter what was going on and that I wished him the best in the events of HLCC. It was his suggestion that he email me with the issues because I communicate better online than I do face-to-face.
As I look back, I look at what has been going on. Yes, you know everything that has been going on and of course, there are things that will always be seen easier. My thoughts are running through my heart in ways that I cannot express. I was leery about many things and I was uncertain about things. "Trust me." Why? Sharing what I have been sharing is not easy. It is not something that I particularly care to have many around me, close to me, to know. I have hid these things for a very long time and I have been certain about so many things; now, I am certain about even more. Caution must be emphasized when addressing all of this with anyone else.
Now, I go to church in the adjacent county. I was told that the current church is not the place for me. What are the issues? You can imagine--texting, calling, emailing. Oh, yea. I did tell PM and PD that the policies of the church were not good and too rigid and that they needed to change. Yes, I was forward and ballsy. But, I will not change in that regard. I have been told many things and I have said many things. These things are not going to be apologized for any time soon.
I know that I must continue to work on many things and will not stop. Yes, the past several months have been most difficult and must not be something that will stop me from wanting to move forward with. I have seen so much the past couple of years that no one should ever have to go through. But, even more so, there are things that I will not ever stop believing. There are things that I am more determined to complete than ever. Yes, I will consider visiting time to time, but not anytime soon. I must be willing to deal with what has been done and to move forward without hatred or animosity. That is not what it is all about.
Believing. Pushing. Pressing in.
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