For so many reasons and then cannot think of any

I have been pushing on once again. Yes, I know that the issues of touching keeps coming up; but, it is a real issue for me. This past weekend, I just hit tilt. I just did not want to be addressing anyone and wanted to have my own space and ... of course, we know how it goes. For the most part, things are fine. I deal with my issues of insecurity and wondering. I long to be with people and long to have the opportunity to touch as well as to be touched; but, I am noticing that it is conditional. DF wanted to be more open with the touching and that was something very trying. Everyone seems to think that if they do it more, then that means that it is easier all that much more. Well, it is not. It is not all that easy to be touched all the time and not have an exit. I really do like solitariness at times. It is comforting and rewarding at the same time; however, when I like to be with people, it is something that is of my choice. I have always been that way--even as a child. But, all that much more, I look forward to a time where this is less uncomfortable. However, for the time that it is, I must look up ways to combat this aspect of touching. My personal space is very difficult for me to address at times and I do not like anyone coming across it. I know that N has been providing every opportunity to be able to talk. But, this is not something that is easy to be done. She cannot understand what I am talking about and she cannot understand my feelings. Then again, I am reminded that it is not her issue; rather, it is mine. It is my correlation of events that have brought me to this point. No, it was not my fault. No, I did not ask for this to happen. No, I am not in danger any more. Yes, I will get through this.

I know what I want. I know what I am desiring. I know what just seems to escape me. I know that I am looking forward to the end of this discomfort. I do know what is more troubling. Physical pain? or Emotional discomfort? One can be alleviated with pain reliever; the other is just a lingering beast that does not have a home. I wonder at times.

I had more communication with PM today regarding something very sensitive. I have been wanting to discuss this for some time because it is very relevant. I have been more pressured to be getting out to date and to change my appearance. Oh, that I have been putting on a rough exterior. Certainly, I have not had any intention of wanting to go on any dates. I have not had any intention of showing anyone that I am interested. I am too concerned with the matters at hand and can not imagine adding someone along for the bumpy ride. I cannot even imagine having sex again. That, to me, is quite incredible. I just feel so very different to men. I do not feel like a woman and I do not feel like I am desirable to a man. I cannot imagine even trying to make believe. It is enough that I do not feel like I belong to any particular place. For the most part, I have felt like that for some time. I know that the cancer has created for me a "new normal" and finding where I am to just exist is something else. Feels like a double whammy.

Years ago, I could not have imagined having to go through cancer and all of what is going on. When I was raped, I had no idea what I was experiencing and how to even begin to explain to others what I felt. Now? To some degree I feel the same. But now, when people know what is going on, I am so concerned about being treated differently. I am trying to remind myself of many things. When I remind myself, I must not be hard on myself or submit myself to undue criticism. I can do this!!

Pushing on. Pressing in. Fighting on.

Plan to be and to continue onward

It has been a few weeks since I have shared. I am working on trying to remain consistant about my contributions. For the most part, things are ok. My head days have been within tolerance and my heart days are much the same. But, I have been learning more about what I have been going through and learning about what it is to still be uncomfortable in certain situations. I was pondering my issues of touching today. Yes, touching will always be an issue for me and I do understand that. I remember chating with PD on Sunday last and how everyone is working diligently to encourage me to touch more and to be touched. I wonder about these things. I shudder at the thought of being caught in a group with too many people around. I really do not care to be in a place with so many around; however, I can handle it.

I am learning more about PTSD. It is not uncommon for sufferers to not care to be in enclosed spaces. I thought that I was the only person who did this; seriously, I thought that it was my own personal hangup. I realize that I am not alone in this aspect and look forward to being able to be comfortable in my own skin. I do to a certain degree, however, I look forward to this being just a haze or a shadow of what it should be. It is so uncomfortable to be worrying about things. I have been wandering more at church and am very uncomfortable about sitting down so much. Then again, last weekend I had had serious issues with bronchitis. I had coughed so hard that my chest hurt terribly. I sounded much like a beached elephant seal. Imagine that!

Another aspect that I have been very concerned about is just how much my anger and bitterness is lying just beneath the skin. Too, there have been so many other issues that have been bogging my mind. Having to sort through all the emotional baggage here lately has been a difficult job; but, I have to believe that I am doing what is right. Staying focused is one of the most important tasks for me and at times, I feel like I am going batty. But, I have to remind myself that sorting out emotions is never easy and that I should not be so hard on myself in the meantime.

I do remember being told "I am proud of you for working so hard". That means a lot to me and will always mean a lot to me. Yes, I have been working very hard on things and will not stop until I am happy with the changes that are going on. I am looking forward to some days where the flashbacks are not as bad or the attitude so rough. Some things should not be; yet, other things should prevail. I look forward to those things that prevail much.

Reaching. Planning. Pressing onward.

Venturing once again

So, I have shared more once again. I am experiencing more comfort to some degree about my personal information. But, in many other aspects, my personal information is not to be shared. I have expressed to some this past week and with great trepidation, I am not all that sure that it was wise. But, in order for me to get beyond some things in my heart, I must learn to trust and to feel comfortable in my own skin.

I am looking back at this past year and can see just how much I have come and yet how far I really have to go. I am excited and very nervous at the same time. I am not all that eager for many to know what has gone on and the shame and the guilt are still very close to the surface. I hate the feeling of shame that I get when I address all of this. But, these emotions should not be my enemy. I cannot help but to think that these feelings are like my arch nemesis---moohaaaahaaa! shame is my name and pain is my game! Yea, right!

But, I have shared with PD. I will share more with him on Sunday and let him know some more distinctions. I do not want to share my prayer requests with anyone anymore because of what has happened and so when bad dreams happen, I will share my difficult days with others not at the church. I am so very leary and not willing to really trust at the time. Seems that there are a few steps backwards on this. I have to say that this is not the most warming or welcoming of things.

Yes, this week I did have a horrible dream again. I have not had one of these types of dreams in a long, long time. I had woken up and felt like something was seriously wrong. But, I trudged through. I did pray. But, I did call PM after and let him know that I had had one of those dreams again. It was a difficult thing since I have not had one of those in a very, very long time. I have no idea what triggered it, but it was very unsettling. I do not know who to tell about these dreams and I am not sure that I want to post them. But for certain, I must put them down somewhere. I will pray it through.

Pressing on. Pushing in. Thinking things through.

Falling down and hitting the ground

I want so much to hit the ground and just stay there and relax and let some things go by. I would love to be able to just relax during the next several weeks and months go. It has been a year since I have been sharing and letting everyone know my inner thoughts. This is very challenging. As I discuss this more and more with others, I can see just how much this has impacted me and they. I have seen so many changes with others, and within myself. I am looking at how these changes have been very positive and how they have made some significant changes. I want these changes to be good and to be able to allow me to move on. I have been through sharing the most sensitive and most intimate things in my life. How many people share these intimacies? I am not sure. So, what I have to start looking to is the journey of how this is going to make the impact for the rest of my life.

I am stuck at times. It is hard. It is hard to be able to share things that I know that are not well received. I run the risk of sharing things that are uncommon or uncomfortable and now, I am dealing with people who may have had enough time behind them that these issues might be forgotten. But, T has been a blessing to me. She understands the journey and the battle. I do have to say that good things are on the way as well. I am looking forward to this.

I am looking forward to not feeling so uncomfortable about things. I always say that. I have come so far. I can be touched more. I still cringe, but I can be touched a lot more. I was thinking of some things lately, and it made me cringe even more. I have been afraid of some things. I have been afraid of getting out and mingling in other groups so people that I am not familiar with. I have to explore more areas and to get out and about to work on my comfort zone. Today, for example, I was able to get into a car wash. I was feeling quite boxed in and started to get a little claustrophobic, but I was able to hang tough and finish the cycle. I do not know if that is what I would be willing to do again, but I know that it was ok and I can do it. It is amazing. Really it is.

Reaching out. Pressing in. Really feeling it.

For the most part

For the most part, all is well. For the most part, I understand. For the most part, I am looking and searching. For the most part. Today was a very long day. I was thinking long and hard about something that I have not been wanting to see. For the most part, I have not had flashbacks that have been difficult. There have been times when they have been so pervasive that I have had to look away or really clench my eyes tight. Today, I was concerned that I might have had to do that. I did not; there were several times when I have had to do that. Today, after service, I had a meeting with PM. Normally, I meet with PM after service with my kiddo. It has been a long and difficult year of things. Meeting with him has been helping, but there have been some emotional challenges that are very intense. One time during meeting, he had moved a certain way and bamb! Whatcha know, things were very difficult. I do not want to say what it was but just that it was very uncomfortable for me. How do I tell him? Should I tell him? Well, that would be most interesting. How do I tell him? He has already had some difficult times when I have shared with him.

Why am I so concerned about all of this? It really does bother me because I would like to get past all of this to move on to more healing. I really do not like that building. I do not like what it represents. I have had too many nightmares about that building and it has made me feel quite filthy. But, I refuse to allow it to bother me. I refuse to allow it to get me to a point where I am having such a difficult time. I refuse! I simply refuse! I know that the days can be difficult. It is a little less these days, but just the same, the triggers are there nonetheless. I want to let him know about my triggers. I think that it would be wise; but, just the same, if he never knew, I should still continue. I will continue.

I am learning that I must not be communicating with him for much. It has been a hard lesson to learn and it is even more difficult to understand that I need to not be concerned with it. I must learn. I do not want to be perceived as that kind of person that is adversarial. Go figure!

Looking on. Pushing on. Believing on.

How am I doing?

For the most part, I am fine. I have been distracted with many things and this has been very good. I am looking at things these days with a different perspective. While my cancer treatment continues and time has been moving along, I am looking at ease of mind and ease of issues. However, I do realize that there are some issues within that may be stirred up that might rear its ugly head. I am working on a directive just the same. I am working on moving into a place that is uncertain for me. I am moving into a place that is a little more solitary and to continue on with the journey to find some more educationa and classes regarding this ordeal.

As I have been understanding myself, I am looking at being my own post-rape care. I have not been able to really put my finger on it, but I have now. I must look to my own post care. I am not afraid of doing this. But, I am very concerned, yet, for PM. I have to say that I am uncertain as to say with regards to him. PM is a unique individual who internalizes many things. What are his objectives? What are my objectives? What objectives should I be holding in all of this? I know how I am doing. I am working diligently on the issues at hand to overcome but most importantly, to understand why I feel the way that I feel.

I am the survivor of sexual assault. This is not easy to overcome but it is easier to say. I know that I will be overcoming much because I have thus far. This includes being able to come out and say what I need to say with respect to the deeds that have been done. What has been created in me has been done so out of a very selfish act. This act created much trouble for me and for the things that should have been addressed a long, long time ago. I am very proud to say that I have been working diligently on the matters at hand with respect to the things that plague me. I am plagued, but I am victorious just the same. The issues of being touched are not the same; the feelings I experience when I am in a room that is too enclosed or encroached upon are not the same; the overall feelings and overwhelm when some men are around persist. But, I know that I am not alone. I have been thinking of the day that I was invited to PM's for a last minute BBQ. I had wanted some coffee and had gone to the wrong door. That was a little overwhelming for me. Then I had realized where to enter. I had gone inside and there PM was offering the coffee. He had stepped back from me and at that point made me feel all that much more uncomfortable. I really do not know if I would ever do the same thing again. It is wrong to be that overtly different because of what I have been through. I need ongoing support. I do not need to be feeling different or separate from others. I do not want others to know what has happened to me. But, they do. Too many know what has been going on. I plan on really keeping a close eye on me and my personal behavior with hopes that things will extinguish. I am looking forward to more healing. So, what do I do in the stead? By asking for ongoing support, does that perpetuate matters? No! It certainly does not. Actually, asking for ongoing support means that it is just that much closer to healing and not being that separated person from the crowd. I am looking forward to that. See you there!

Pushing on. Pressing in. Seeing you there.

What I am thinking of

While I am listening to many things this morning--the sound of the rain and one of my most favorite songs--I am thinking of what my dreams are. I am thinking of the things that I want and what might be holding me back. I wonder about what my future has in store for me with all these changed places in my heart. I wonder about my insecurites and my fears and how they might hinder me from wanting and feeling successful. I know that I can. I know that I want to be. I know that I must. I know that I am understanding more and more what my "new normal" is going to be. I am feeling what permission I have within me that will allow me to accept this new idea(l) for myself and then to move accordingly. What am I? Who am I?

I know who I am not. I know that I am not going to allow this all to bother me again and again. I know that there will be days where I may not feel all that successful but I know that I am. As I seive through all of my thoughts and feelings, I know that I will be able to move beyond and to get through this muck and mire. I know that I will be successful! I have no choice. Sure, I could sit in my room, in the dark and just pull the covers over my head. But, really, I cannot. I am not made that way. I know that I am made to be bold and I know that I will be loud. I know that I cannot be turned down to allow for things to be said and done in my stead. With that said, I am moving on!! Do I really have any choice about what I need to do? No. Not really. Certainly, I could just not move forward, but what would that do? That is not me.

What am I to say then? I am saying that I am tired of being treated differently. I was told last week that I needed someone to talk to. Yes, I have someone to talk to. But, what was I doing with PM? Dancing? We were talking but PM does not understand that I have been. I am trying to keep things from him and to keep things moving along. I talk to JC and that is good enough for the time being. There are many things that are said that I listen very intently to. I have heard one thing twice now. I will listen to it a third time and I know that it is time to do something else. But until then, I will not be listening to it again.

So I feel my emotions over some things want to vacate. I am ready and yet, I am not. There is a certain comfort to keeping emotions at a bay as well as people at a bay. It is time to test waters and to get moving forward with other things. Am I ready to sit in the back row again? No. Am I ready to move forward to the middle row? Not quite sure. Am I ready to sit in the front row? Seriously do not think so!!! But, whatever I must do, I will do that. No matter what. I will be pushing forward and testing the waters. I must be ready to expect the emotional upset. I hate the emotional upset, but it is terribly imporant to do so.

I think that I am ready. After experiencing the MRI? I have a choice and I must push forward despite the upset.

Pushing. Thinking. Being ready.