How I am feeling

I know many things but many things I do not know. I know that I am feeling very emotional today. Yes, after chemo I usually am feeling more and more emotional. I have been needing to keep my tongue on many things because of how I am feeling. I have learned a long time ago in this to not make phone calls to people to speak to them personally. I have been leaving short messages. But, I have to say, even that is uncomfortable. I feel like an outsider in all of this and wonder about things. I have been pushed into a place that I am having to work through again. I am feeling very encroached upon and feel like I do not want to answer questions or to be in close proximity of people that I will have to answer questions. I would rather someone just talk to me and avoid some things and let the discussion flow as it might. I am tired.

These feelings of not wanting to be touched have surfaced really hard since the nightmares have gotten continuous. I do not want to come out and say it to everyone again because they do not understand what it means. I have been white knuckling it now and I am working hard to just bury these behaviors so no one will know. I have been mocked and scoffed by people that do not understand. Another G told me that she did understand and I am very thankful for her. I will not have to explain if I do not want to be hugged or touched. I will be walking more in a few days and then the following service I will be walking outside again to avoid be touched. I am fearful of what will be coming in radiation. I will have to be exposed to everyone in the lab/treatment room and I am wondering how that will work. I can feel shame bubbling up and that is just not what I need right now. This shame of shame is hard. Shame to be touched and fear of being touched. They seem to be working on a fulcrum.

How do I get past all of this? At times I say I do not know. But I do know. It is with patience and diligence that I do this. I must know my threshold and to know who I can talk to about what I am feeling. I need to know who my allies are and at this point, I just do not know. I constantly wonder if I am the resident freak on parade at the church. "Oh, let me watch this one go again this week". ARG! That makes me feel shameful too. I am looking forward to getting through this.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Knowing on.

A new discussion

I had a very interesting discussion with one of the ladies from my church--another G. I was very glad to have spoken with her. She completely understood my thoughts about my barriers and what some of my anxieties are. I am trying very hard to get beyond some of these things but I feel like I am just stuck. I told her that I have been experiencing the same recurring dream/flashback that I have had for a couple months now. I told her that I will tell her about it because I cannot tell anyone else about it. It is haunting me and I just cannot bear this anymore. I hate these flashbacks.

Another G told me that she could tell how tense I get when I am hugged or touched. I am so sorry, but it does happen. I had to express to her that it is getting much more difficult to push myself to get to church and know that I will be touched by so many. I cannot handle this. I told her that it is coming to a point that I just cannot do it and I do not want to lose myself in trying to get this done.

I am a freakazoid! So many do not understand what is going on and yet the questions keep coming and I really do not want to answer anymore of them. If no one is going to want to just help out, then why ask the questions. Perhaps, I should just tell everyone to go to the front table and get the latest bulletin on me! Or maybe, I should send them to Pastor and he can answer all of my questions. Maybe, I should make something up for some good juicy stuff for everyone to chat about. Either way, I am having a growing difficulty and not being able to just ease though it is getting tougher. What is going to happen when the radiation starts? I have no idea, but I know that I will be open for everyone to see and that will create issues for me. I do not want to be touched!!! I do not know how loud I need to be in order for things to be understood. I wish that I could turn the time back and everyone just think whatever they wanted of me. I really regret sharing! This lonely battle is mine and mine alone. It has been proven again and again.

I am working things out for myself. I have to get these issues identified and to work on them myself. My schedule has changed again and it is going to keep me busy in the afternoons. I am looking forward to be busy and keeping my mind busy. I am not looking forward to anything else other than sleep and quality rest. My body and my mind could use it.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Resting on.

Opening more doors

As usual, I am willing to talk about many things, but many things I am not willing to address. Today, I realize that some things are going to be need to be discussed even longer. Anxiety. This is one emotion that has a threshold that has more triggers than others. I feel anxious about more things and yet, this anxiety is not what I want to even touch. Odd to say. I am anxious about some conversations. I am finding that I am using more coping skills and mechanisms to avoid some topics. I know that some of these topics are very raw for me. I have never discussed these deep things and so I am not necessarily willing to discuss them. This anxiety is linked to fear, lack of trust, resentment and hatred. I do not particularly care to exist with these emotions but I am going to be addressing them once again.

Anxiety. This is an emotion that prevents me from being around some people, places and situations. I have been assessing myself to see what this really means to me and I have been at a loss to be able to examine it for some time. I am now able to say something. This anxiety appears to be a mechanism that is triggered when I perceive some personal harm or the threat of some harm. I know that when I am feeling as though I am going to be touched, I do not want to be around. I would rather just escape and sit from a distance. No one understands this and so i just avoid situations. I have seen that this has been a part of me for some time--years. I remember a day when Pastor touched my shoulders to give me a rub. He did not know--I wanted to react so. It is no one person's fault; rather, it is just my emotion.

Too, this anxiety is really peaked when I feel or perceive that some closeness or proximity is being encroached upon. I do not care to have people too close. I get nearly claustrophobic but without being. I am choosy about my place and my persons. I suppose this might look like I am "controling". I believe that I am getting to understand a little more about what some people might say; however, it is not for them to be working on that. If some people only knew how I felt they would just leave me alone and not be so worried about what is going on. But, I have to understand that not everyone is up to speed with life. Some are actually selfish and self-centered. But, this anxiety needs to be grappled. I know that when I am anxious, I have a way out. I can simply express that I am not willing to do something and know that it is understood. There is comfort in that.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Actually on!

Looking back from the weekend

I have made it through the weekend. However, I do not feel that I was all that successful. I had the worst nightmare of them all and that kept me from feeling as whole as I could be. I ended up emailing my Pastor to ask him to pray--he did. But, this left me feeling back to square one with feeling dirty and out of order. I know that I am not and I know that this was just a dream. Today, after getting home from work, I took advantage of some energy and cleaned my carpets and prayed. I listened to some of my most favorite music to concentrate on what I needed to do. By the end of the day, I was exercising and working on my dojo. These feelings are not going to be the best of me.

I realize that the issues of my rape are not gone. I know that things may feel waxed over, but they are really not that far from the surface; however, they are not all that menacing anymore. I realize that I have a lot of emotions that I will be needing to sort and to put into place but where to start some days is just the issue. Sometimes, I feel guilty and ashamed about saying that I do not want to be touched and that bothers me immensely. But, I know that it is understandable that these feelings are there and they are valid. These insecurities are only for a short time and then they will be addressed and placed where they need to be.

How can I make someone understand my feelings? I cannot. If these emotions and feelings are not expressed, they will fester and from there, more anger and resentment will exist and become an issue that should not be. This will be something that I will have to pick and chose with my Pastor and anyone else who wants to listen to me. Why should I feel these things? Why should I validate myself for someone else? To ask for their patience and their understanding. Not everyone is going to understand. I know that not everyone is going to want to listen. I certainly have been experiencing the widest range of emotions from many people and I do not know how to address this or handle this. I feel silly and ashamed to ask but I know that asking is one of the best things that can be done.

I have a threshold as well. I am reaching that threshold. I have accomplished expressing to my Pastor many things; however, there are many things yet to be addressed. I am not sure that I want to venture that deep. I am a freakazoid in the flock and that makes me feel very strange. How to I get over that feeling? It seems that everyone knows that I am one just that; I should not feel that way.

I am excited to get past this. I am looking forward to all of this being done. But, for this season, it is good to have this out in the open.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Opening up!

Trusting again for what I need

The weekend has hit and I am working hard at sorting my feelings out. I have been looking forward to many things this weekend and it has been challenging me. My migraine has not been helping with sorting my feelings out. I am really challenged. Today, I have been feeling quite a bit of lack of trust. My "trust-o-meter" seems to be really out of whack. I spoke with N today on the phone regarding church and how I am feeling. I think about the day of face-to-face with my Pastor and just cringe. What do I say? Trust is a strong issue that I am fighting. For the longest time, I could say that it was far off and that face-to-face was far enough away that I could relax. Now, that day is coming closer and I do not want it. I know that it is inevitable. I know that I am going to need to muster up every bit of energy and composure to do this.

Regardless, this is going to be a hard one for me. I am fighting trust of others and this is not ok. This insecurity of mine is nagging at me. I know that I do not feel all that good and I am going to be asked to go up for prayer. But, I cannot handle the idea that I will be touched. I do understand that there will be a day when things will resolve and be like they used to be. But for the time being, it is what it is. I do not want to be touched and this is just how I feel. At times, I wish that I could get that magic hug that would make everything all better; but it never comes. This battle continues and the fight in my heart and my mind endure.

I am finding things uncomfortable as well. There are some shows on TV now that I just cannot watch. The shows that I used to be able to watch are not something that disturbs me. I have not been able to watch cable shows for so long because I did not pay for cable; now, I can. There are so many shows that really bother me. I have to change the channel because of some subject matter. I know that for some episodes, they used to irritate me; now, they really bother me to the point of changing the channel. Certain news can upset me as well. And my dreams? They are changing again. I had one dream that was so realistic that I woke the same time my alarm was to go off. So much has gotten under my skin that I need to really get a handle on it. I want to have all of this to come to an end. One song that I listen from Petra encourages me--No doubt. I must endure for this season and be encouraged that what GOD has started in me, HE is sure and faithful to complete in me until the day of perfection.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Trusting on.

Stirred up

As the day has continued, I have had so many conflicting thoughts. I have been so tired today that I could not wait to get home and just relax. Of course, I get home and I see a dirty and out of order home. I have to put my feeling aside and focus on what I need to do to get the housework completed. But my feelings are just so jumbled. I hate to say this. I am just so stirred up. I am angry that I have no one to talk to at this point, and I am angry that I do not want to talk to anyone because I do not want to have a meltdown. To add, I do not want to be touched. This is coming up again and again and it is really upsetting me. I want to get moving on these emotions, but I do not want to be mingling and being around many people. For the most part, I cannot really just mingle and be around many because I cannot afford to be sick. In the same regard, I am anxious about being around. I do not want to be touched and I do not want to touch anyone. I am feeling caged in and I want to be in the great outdoors where there is no one around for miles. I do not want any human interaction, yet I want someone to talk to. I want someone to listen and to understand that these feelings that I have are valid.

I am watching my back and watching how close people are coming to me. This is so frustrating. I do not want to make people talk to me but in the same regard, how are they going to know what is going on with me. I am so looking forward to this weekend. I really do not want to do anything other than read, study and pray. I hope that someone will come by and chat. I hope that I do not have to wait and beg for someone to say hello. I do realize that it may very well be what I have to do.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Feeling on,

I am continuing

For many reasons, I am continuing. This may seem as though it is just redundant; however, most importantly it is not. These emotions come back to me again and again and it is the most difficult thing to address at times. Just the same, they are getting addressed. Although the nightmares are easing in intensity, the flashbacks are still remaining. I am wrestling with being touched and feel myself giving in to it again. I know that it is ok to be touched and it is equally ok to not be touched. This week, I have felt caged in and so experiencing the range of emotions this week has been tiring. I have a migraine because of some things. I know that my diet has been good and that I have been exercising some. My sleep has been disturbed for some time and that may be a great culprit of it. Tonight, I am working my on-call and will be putting in a 36 hour day. This does not help.

It is very odd that I have been watching a lot of tv with sexual assault themes. I do not watch these shows that much and when the themes come up, it makes me very uncomfortable. This has not been so much in the past, rather it has effected me but not to any point of discomfort. But, I am very uncomfortable about it now. I find myself avoiding such themes. There seems to be a lot of these events on the news about sexual assault. This makes me feel very uncomfortable. Some of my dreams have been effected by this.

I have been reading more journal articles about this as well. I have been reading that rape trauma syndrom and PTSD can be treated through emotional revisitiation. This does not excite me. However, I am seeing the importance of bringing a person to the threshold of the event and to be able to discuss it as well as to recall the difficult emotions. For many, some aspects of the rape has been blocked out in amnesia. For me, that is not the instance. I can remember the events in their entirety. For nearly two decades, I have been able to remember every aspect of it. However, for this time, the shame, guilt and anger have been something that I have not spoken of for years. I have always said that I know what is in me and I know what issues that need to be addressed. Not until the cancer have things really been that challenged. Sometimes, the emotions that vex me do not have an agenda and other times, I wonder. Just when I thought that I have faced fear, it rears again and fear grips me and controls me. For example, the fear of being touched. I have not begun to want to say how much being touched really makes my skin crawl. I am willing to be touched conditionally; however, how do I express this to people? I think that more energy will be expressed just trying to avoid some things. But, I do not know how much energy will be expressed when I am trying to just withstand some touching. To me, this is nothing less than a white-knuckle event. I realize that discussing this is very important and when that time comes with my Pastor, I will be ready. I have to be ready and I am willing to be ready. I know that I must have an escape route as well. I have to learn to trust. At this point, saying it seems right. Being face-to-face is going to be something else. I will need strength and grace for the events.

Discussion is good. I know that discussing the elements of the whole rape is going to be necessary; I will continue to discuss it here before my and during my face-to-face.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Facing on.