Stirred up

As the day has continued, I have had so many conflicting thoughts. I have been so tired today that I could not wait to get home and just relax. Of course, I get home and I see a dirty and out of order home. I have to put my feeling aside and focus on what I need to do to get the housework completed. But my feelings are just so jumbled. I hate to say this. I am just so stirred up. I am angry that I have no one to talk to at this point, and I am angry that I do not want to talk to anyone because I do not want to have a meltdown. To add, I do not want to be touched. This is coming up again and again and it is really upsetting me. I want to get moving on these emotions, but I do not want to be mingling and being around many people. For the most part, I cannot really just mingle and be around many because I cannot afford to be sick. In the same regard, I am anxious about being around. I do not want to be touched and I do not want to touch anyone. I am feeling caged in and I want to be in the great outdoors where there is no one around for miles. I do not want any human interaction, yet I want someone to talk to. I want someone to listen and to understand that these feelings that I have are valid.

I am watching my back and watching how close people are coming to me. This is so frustrating. I do not want to make people talk to me but in the same regard, how are they going to know what is going on with me. I am so looking forward to this weekend. I really do not want to do anything other than read, study and pray. I hope that someone will come by and chat. I hope that I do not have to wait and beg for someone to say hello. I do realize that it may very well be what I have to do.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Feeling on,