I am continuing

For many reasons, I am continuing. This may seem as though it is just redundant; however, most importantly it is not. These emotions come back to me again and again and it is the most difficult thing to address at times. Just the same, they are getting addressed. Although the nightmares are easing in intensity, the flashbacks are still remaining. I am wrestling with being touched and feel myself giving in to it again. I know that it is ok to be touched and it is equally ok to not be touched. This week, I have felt caged in and so experiencing the range of emotions this week has been tiring. I have a migraine because of some things. I know that my diet has been good and that I have been exercising some. My sleep has been disturbed for some time and that may be a great culprit of it. Tonight, I am working my on-call and will be putting in a 36 hour day. This does not help.

It is very odd that I have been watching a lot of tv with sexual assault themes. I do not watch these shows that much and when the themes come up, it makes me very uncomfortable. This has not been so much in the past, rather it has effected me but not to any point of discomfort. But, I am very uncomfortable about it now. I find myself avoiding such themes. There seems to be a lot of these events on the news about sexual assault. This makes me feel very uncomfortable. Some of my dreams have been effected by this.

I have been reading more journal articles about this as well. I have been reading that rape trauma syndrom and PTSD can be treated through emotional revisitiation. This does not excite me. However, I am seeing the importance of bringing a person to the threshold of the event and to be able to discuss it as well as to recall the difficult emotions. For many, some aspects of the rape has been blocked out in amnesia. For me, that is not the instance. I can remember the events in their entirety. For nearly two decades, I have been able to remember every aspect of it. However, for this time, the shame, guilt and anger have been something that I have not spoken of for years. I have always said that I know what is in me and I know what issues that need to be addressed. Not until the cancer have things really been that challenged. Sometimes, the emotions that vex me do not have an agenda and other times, I wonder. Just when I thought that I have faced fear, it rears again and fear grips me and controls me. For example, the fear of being touched. I have not begun to want to say how much being touched really makes my skin crawl. I am willing to be touched conditionally; however, how do I express this to people? I think that more energy will be expressed just trying to avoid some things. But, I do not know how much energy will be expressed when I am trying to just withstand some touching. To me, this is nothing less than a white-knuckle event. I realize that discussing this is very important and when that time comes with my Pastor, I will be ready. I have to be ready and I am willing to be ready. I know that I must have an escape route as well. I have to learn to trust. At this point, saying it seems right. Being face-to-face is going to be something else. I will need strength and grace for the events.

Discussion is good. I know that discussing the elements of the whole rape is going to be necessary; I will continue to discuss it here before my and during my face-to-face.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Facing on.