The weekend has hit and I am working hard at sorting my feelings out. I have been looking forward to many things this weekend and it has been challenging me. My migraine has not been helping with sorting my feelings out. I am really challenged. Today, I have been feeling quite a bit of lack of trust. My "trust-o-meter" seems to be really out of whack. I spoke with N today on the phone regarding church and how I am feeling. I think about the day of face-to-face with my Pastor and just cringe. What do I say? Trust is a strong issue that I am fighting. For the longest time, I could say that it was far off and that face-to-face was far enough away that I could relax. Now, that day is coming closer and I do not want it. I know that it is inevitable. I know that I am going to need to muster up every bit of energy and composure to do this.
Regardless, this is going to be a hard one for me. I am fighting trust of others and this is not ok. This insecurity of mine is nagging at me. I know that I do not feel all that good and I am going to be asked to go up for prayer. But, I cannot handle the idea that I will be touched. I do understand that there will be a day when things will resolve and be like they used to be. But for the time being, it is what it is. I do not want to be touched and this is just how I feel. At times, I wish that I could get that magic hug that would make everything all better; but it never comes. This battle continues and the fight in my heart and my mind endure.
I am finding things uncomfortable as well. There are some shows on TV now that I just cannot watch. The shows that I used to be able to watch are not something that disturbs me. I have not been able to watch cable shows for so long because I did not pay for cable; now, I can. There are so many shows that really bother me. I have to change the channel because of some subject matter. I know that for some episodes, they used to irritate me; now, they really bother me to the point of changing the channel. Certain news can upset me as well. And my dreams? They are changing again. I had one dream that was so realistic that I woke the same time my alarm was to go off. So much has gotten under my skin that I need to really get a handle on it. I want to have all of this to come to an end. One song that I listen from Petra encourages me--No doubt. I must endure for this season and be encouraged that what GOD has started in me, HE is sure and faithful to complete in me until the day of perfection.
Pushing on. Pressing on. Trusting on.
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