Looking back from the weekend

I have made it through the weekend. However, I do not feel that I was all that successful. I had the worst nightmare of them all and that kept me from feeling as whole as I could be. I ended up emailing my Pastor to ask him to pray--he did. But, this left me feeling back to square one with feeling dirty and out of order. I know that I am not and I know that this was just a dream. Today, after getting home from work, I took advantage of some energy and cleaned my carpets and prayed. I listened to some of my most favorite music to concentrate on what I needed to do. By the end of the day, I was exercising and working on my dojo. These feelings are not going to be the best of me.

I realize that the issues of my rape are not gone. I know that things may feel waxed over, but they are really not that far from the surface; however, they are not all that menacing anymore. I realize that I have a lot of emotions that I will be needing to sort and to put into place but where to start some days is just the issue. Sometimes, I feel guilty and ashamed about saying that I do not want to be touched and that bothers me immensely. But, I know that it is understandable that these feelings are there and they are valid. These insecurities are only for a short time and then they will be addressed and placed where they need to be.

How can I make someone understand my feelings? I cannot. If these emotions and feelings are not expressed, they will fester and from there, more anger and resentment will exist and become an issue that should not be. This will be something that I will have to pick and chose with my Pastor and anyone else who wants to listen to me. Why should I feel these things? Why should I validate myself for someone else? To ask for their patience and their understanding. Not everyone is going to understand. I know that not everyone is going to want to listen. I certainly have been experiencing the widest range of emotions from many people and I do not know how to address this or handle this. I feel silly and ashamed to ask but I know that asking is one of the best things that can be done.

I have a threshold as well. I am reaching that threshold. I have accomplished expressing to my Pastor many things; however, there are many things yet to be addressed. I am not sure that I want to venture that deep. I am a freakazoid in the flock and that makes me feel very strange. How to I get over that feeling? It seems that everyone knows that I am one just that; I should not feel that way.

I am excited to get past this. I am looking forward to all of this being done. But, for this season, it is good to have this out in the open.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Opening up!