How I am feeling

I know many things but many things I do not know. I know that I am feeling very emotional today. Yes, after chemo I usually am feeling more and more emotional. I have been needing to keep my tongue on many things because of how I am feeling. I have learned a long time ago in this to not make phone calls to people to speak to them personally. I have been leaving short messages. But, I have to say, even that is uncomfortable. I feel like an outsider in all of this and wonder about things. I have been pushed into a place that I am having to work through again. I am feeling very encroached upon and feel like I do not want to answer questions or to be in close proximity of people that I will have to answer questions. I would rather someone just talk to me and avoid some things and let the discussion flow as it might. I am tired.

These feelings of not wanting to be touched have surfaced really hard since the nightmares have gotten continuous. I do not want to come out and say it to everyone again because they do not understand what it means. I have been white knuckling it now and I am working hard to just bury these behaviors so no one will know. I have been mocked and scoffed by people that do not understand. Another G told me that she did understand and I am very thankful for her. I will not have to explain if I do not want to be hugged or touched. I will be walking more in a few days and then the following service I will be walking outside again to avoid be touched. I am fearful of what will be coming in radiation. I will have to be exposed to everyone in the lab/treatment room and I am wondering how that will work. I can feel shame bubbling up and that is just not what I need right now. This shame of shame is hard. Shame to be touched and fear of being touched. They seem to be working on a fulcrum.

How do I get past all of this? At times I say I do not know. But I do know. It is with patience and diligence that I do this. I must know my threshold and to know who I can talk to about what I am feeling. I need to know who my allies are and at this point, I just do not know. I constantly wonder if I am the resident freak on parade at the church. "Oh, let me watch this one go again this week". ARG! That makes me feel shameful too. I am looking forward to getting through this.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Knowing on.