Opening more doors

As usual, I am willing to talk about many things, but many things I am not willing to address. Today, I realize that some things are going to be need to be discussed even longer. Anxiety. This is one emotion that has a threshold that has more triggers than others. I feel anxious about more things and yet, this anxiety is not what I want to even touch. Odd to say. I am anxious about some conversations. I am finding that I am using more coping skills and mechanisms to avoid some topics. I know that some of these topics are very raw for me. I have never discussed these deep things and so I am not necessarily willing to discuss them. This anxiety is linked to fear, lack of trust, resentment and hatred. I do not particularly care to exist with these emotions but I am going to be addressing them once again.

Anxiety. This is an emotion that prevents me from being around some people, places and situations. I have been assessing myself to see what this really means to me and I have been at a loss to be able to examine it for some time. I am now able to say something. This anxiety appears to be a mechanism that is triggered when I perceive some personal harm or the threat of some harm. I know that when I am feeling as though I am going to be touched, I do not want to be around. I would rather just escape and sit from a distance. No one understands this and so i just avoid situations. I have seen that this has been a part of me for some time--years. I remember a day when Pastor touched my shoulders to give me a rub. He did not know--I wanted to react so. It is no one person's fault; rather, it is just my emotion.

Too, this anxiety is really peaked when I feel or perceive that some closeness or proximity is being encroached upon. I do not care to have people too close. I get nearly claustrophobic but without being. I am choosy about my place and my persons. I suppose this might look like I am "controling". I believe that I am getting to understand a little more about what some people might say; however, it is not for them to be working on that. If some people only knew how I felt they would just leave me alone and not be so worried about what is going on. But, I have to understand that not everyone is up to speed with life. Some are actually selfish and self-centered. But, this anxiety needs to be grappled. I know that when I am anxious, I have a way out. I can simply express that I am not willing to do something and know that it is understood. There is comfort in that.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Actually on!