A new discussion

I had a very interesting discussion with one of the ladies from my church--another G. I was very glad to have spoken with her. She completely understood my thoughts about my barriers and what some of my anxieties are. I am trying very hard to get beyond some of these things but I feel like I am just stuck. I told her that I have been experiencing the same recurring dream/flashback that I have had for a couple months now. I told her that I will tell her about it because I cannot tell anyone else about it. It is haunting me and I just cannot bear this anymore. I hate these flashbacks.

Another G told me that she could tell how tense I get when I am hugged or touched. I am so sorry, but it does happen. I had to express to her that it is getting much more difficult to push myself to get to church and know that I will be touched by so many. I cannot handle this. I told her that it is coming to a point that I just cannot do it and I do not want to lose myself in trying to get this done.

I am a freakazoid! So many do not understand what is going on and yet the questions keep coming and I really do not want to answer anymore of them. If no one is going to want to just help out, then why ask the questions. Perhaps, I should just tell everyone to go to the front table and get the latest bulletin on me! Or maybe, I should send them to Pastor and he can answer all of my questions. Maybe, I should make something up for some good juicy stuff for everyone to chat about. Either way, I am having a growing difficulty and not being able to just ease though it is getting tougher. What is going to happen when the radiation starts? I have no idea, but I know that I will be open for everyone to see and that will create issues for me. I do not want to be touched!!! I do not know how loud I need to be in order for things to be understood. I wish that I could turn the time back and everyone just think whatever they wanted of me. I really regret sharing! This lonely battle is mine and mine alone. It has been proven again and again.

I am working things out for myself. I have to get these issues identified and to work on them myself. My schedule has changed again and it is going to keep me busy in the afternoons. I am looking forward to be busy and keeping my mind busy. I am not looking forward to anything else other than sleep and quality rest. My body and my mind could use it.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Resting on.