Something this way comes ... and I am not sure

Something this way comes ... and I am not sure what it is. For the longest time, I have worked very diligently on many things. This you already know. I have discussed some very intricate things that I would not just share with anyone. So many now are here for the long ride. So, now, this means that I am walking into something that I have been unfamiliar with. I can do this. I have many that are understanding that life after rape is not easy. There is always questions and doubts and confusions. I seem to always be guessing at things going on. I wonder about things so much. I know ... it is my own inner insecurity. Always expending energy about who to trust; what to say; how to say it; wondering if it should be said. But, I have to admit that I am very thankful for what has been going on in the meantime. No. I am not an alcoholic. No. I am not a substance abuser. No. I do not practice self-harm. No. I am safe.

So? What is it then? This constant battle of insecurity. I have discussed anger and hatred and touching and so much. But, I have not really discussed my insecurity. There are things that are recognizably difficult for me and I have pushed through the whole bit of it. I am pressing in with the most of my effort.

The most recent events with PD and PM are at my constant threshold. It matters to me what some may think regarding some matters; for the most part, some not at all. But, I am willing and able to see it through. I know, for the greater part of things, that to share these things means that I am willing to open up and discuss the greatest of these things. I am working to process through my own matters and my own inner difficulties. I am doing it and I am willing to continue. Since my event with PD, it is recognizable that I do not care to be touched. It is very evident that I do not care to have someone that close again for a bit. The matters of personal closeness in proximity and emotional discourse are directly linked. It is a matter of feeling vulnerable. So, I realize that I must accept that things create vulnerability in me and that it is ok to be so. It is ok to have my feelings hurt and to have things said. Now, what do I do with that? What accountability do I have with respect to my own internal turmoil? This is my crux. So, the handbook suggests many things. One of which is art. Creating collages and the like has been introduced as a means to be able to artisticly discuss my thoughts. The collages that were made were very interesting. In the handbook, there were collages made with a lot of sexual theme. One of which I remember were panties. Although I am not willing to create a collage with this theme any time soon, I do realize and recognize that the artistic communication is really important. So, how do I artistically express my inability to hug? or touch? or be close to someone? This will be a challenge for me that I am willing to wait and see how that turns out.

My responsibility. My accontability. I hope to not avoid. I am working on eye contact. I am working on proximity. I am working on not retreating into my own world. However, I do not want verbal abuse. I am concerned about that. I am working on not placing myself in a postion of such a thing; however, I am not responsible for someone having a bad day. And this is something that I do not understand. Men do not know how to apologize. Women have a better way of conveying remorse. So, then, how do I draw that out of PD? We shall see.

I am continuing. I am working dilligently. I am seeking. I am looking. I am asking. I am waiting. It will happen; I know it will.

Today I am continuing again

Today has been a day that I have been looking back at the past year once again. The days are hard and difficult, but I am bound and determined to continue forward. This time last year, the events of everything were becoming very overwhelming. Sure, the chemo was done and the radiation was complete, but the household was being torn up. Closeness? No. I have no closeness. The season has brought back a lot of memories. Not all that good and not all that I would like to remember.

There was an event that happened this past week that has made me think things all over again. I have addressed it once again. I am not sure if it is just the nature of what I am addressing or things that are just plain to see. Just the same, it is a matter again with PD. Last weekend, I sat, at church in an area where it was high traffic. Many people were going by and touching me. I was so profoundly challenged and I was being touched by so many. For such a long time, I have been doing very well with the touching and am very determined for many to not know my difficulty. But, it has been very difficult to not allow people to see my general discomfort or lack of desire to be touched. So, when PD was coming in to service, I was turning to see him and hoping to prevent him from touching me. Of course, that was what was going on. I turned, fell out of my chair, hit the floor and just walked out the back door. But, from that point, as I put my music back to my ear (that I had brought in) and started to walk out the back door. But, I could hear PD saying, "what is your problem" several times. I walked outside and he stated again, "what is your problem". I looked quietly at him and from that point, just simply stated that "I was having a difficult morning". At that point he looked at me and stated "you are lame". I waited for him to go back inside and then waited but just a few moments. While he was standing with N, I told him that what he said was by far inappropriate. I think that he said he was sorry. I went to get my belongings and left. I do not understand it. I waited the entire day, then the following day, I sent out an email. I called the following morning and we had spoken. It was apparent that things with him were very stressed. I could tell that his voice was broken. What is the problem with saying, "I am sorry for talking to you like I had done". There just does not seem to be any idea of others apologizing. But, regardless, I am lost now how to proceed. He says that he had  thought that I did not respect him; I had to express to him that it was a misconception. Now, this is leaving me wondering about more things. Seems that I am always wondering about things. 

Perhaps I should be more specific? I have emailed PM and PD numerous times. I am working diligently on being anything other than ... this frustrates me. So, because of the holiday season, I choose to not return back to church at HLCC for the month. I will be heading to the mother church--BHW. I will be attending someplace else for the time being. I have asked and asked. TA took some time to let PM that I was having some difficulties about things. No one has called me or other. But then again, I am noted for my long and irritating emails. I am so determined about things. But, what is very difficult is just accepting the silence. 

I am determined. This is going to be a very long and difficult month. I am working diligently to get through the bad memories. I am looking forward to the new year.

Looking forward. Looking ahead. Looking beyond. 

Facing forward without

This past week, things have been very familiar. Earlier in the week, PD gave it up. I know that it was coming and it was with a lot of duress that this occurred. I am frustrated. I am angry and I am with complete resolve that this journey that I have set myself on will not stop or be prevented. For the last several weeks, I have been challenged with many things in my day-to-day things. One thing, in particular, has been with the aspect of being asked something that appeared to me to be taunting--"V or V?" So, you can tell by now that I will not be stopped with respect to my resolve. I will not be stopped.

Although this happened to me 20 years ago, I have never felt that I have been a victim. Certainly, I have moved on to other things and am willing to be challenged in many respects. But, with many things, yet, I cannot be challenged. It aggravates me what others think of me at times; other times, not at all. I do not care to be criticized with respect to my efforts of wellness. While others may not understand or appreciate what I have been doing, I cannot stop and cannot allow what others may not understand to be my undoing. I will continue.

I will continue. What the meaning of things are to me is what I plan on continuing with. I will continue to define them to to continue to keep an eye on my own behavior. I pray that someone else will come along and we will work this together. In the meantime, I am here and I am working on my difficulties with quietness and meekness. I know that I will be judged. I know that I will be harassed for what I believe; I will not be deterred.

What did this rape do to me? It really did create difficulties in relationships. While I walk around with all of this inside of me, I must be willing to accept that other will not understand what is going on. What angers me is that others who think that they can provide "help" are not qualified and want to do things according to their own agenda. This is wrong. It hurts and it is destructive. If these persons are not willing to get that training, then that assistance is more destructive. At this point in time, I feel further in some aspects than before. There are few who are qualified to help and provide assistance. Now, there is much more avoidance in my walk with others. I must be very careful to connect and to offer my thoughts carefully and prayerfully. I see in PM's face something that I detest. I see the personification of someone to be pitied. This angers me.

I know that I am not like others. Whether by the rape or by my own choices, I am different. I know that when I was raped, I did not belong like I had done before. It was like I was changed in the blink of an eye; but, I was the same. Today, I am a different woman. I do not accept things like I used to. I know that the cancer did a lot to me as well. But, to be told, "I am out" makes me sad. I felt as though someone ripped my heart out again. My issues of trust are placed in the valence once again. I hate this. I have worked so hard to go beyond this and now? I feel as though I cannot trust like I had moved out from. My heart is broken. Those individuals who think they are qualified, have a huge heart and good intentions may actually cause more harm than good. PD is one of those persons.

My next chore is to continue with what I have been willing to start with. It is continuing and I will continue to move forward.

Pressing in. Moving forward. Facing the wind.

The healing process continues

It has been a while since I have posted last. I do realize that much has been going on. School has started for me again and the process continues. I will not stop this process despite the difficutly it might bring me. I am learning and I will not stop.

The next sets of questions are going to be tackled.

16. What has prevented you (so far) from fully healing from your rape?

For the most part, I have answered this a long, long time ago. But, I am happy to address this once again. I had expressed that I would do this by myself. I would tackle this with both hands without the effort of anyone else. I had perceived, for far too long, that I could do this because there was no one available to help me with it. I was wrong. I was profoundly wrong. I was ashamed at the aspect of being raped and I did not want anyone to know that it had happened. It effected everything that I had done. But, most importantly, I did not realize how common rape was. Now, 20 years later, rape is very common. There are many men who think that it is ok for them to forceably take a woman and sexually abuse and assault her. Unfortunately, too many women, young and old, do not understand what it means to open up and understand that their assault was not their fault. I blamed myself for the assault and to some point, I still blame myself. I look forward to the day that I stop blaming myself and move onto more wellness.

I simply did not understand what was needed to be doing all of this. I did not have time to really think about what was necessary to feel well or to be walking in wellness. I have a right to walk in wellness and I had had a right to walk in wellness. I will press forward to my wellness.

To walk "fully" is not something that I can really fathom right now. I feel that there is such a place where this will never make me whole and that wholeness is more like holeness. I feel stained and I want to be able to feel that it will get better. I want to get to a place where this is not going to haunt me anymore. I look forward to being able to have more than just what  I have now. I want to understand "fully". It can happen and I want it to happen.

17. What good things (benefits) will happen for you if you work with your therapist/pastor about your rape?

This is an area where many do not want to go. I have been very concerned that this topic of discussion has not pushed him away. Not many understand the importance of this. Until purchasing this book, I did not realize how important this trek should be. All that much more, I feel that it is important. I felt that it was just a matter that I had done something wrong. No, I did not do anything wrong. I was at the wrong place at the wrong time, but I did not ask for this to happen. His mother was upstairs while all this was going on and this was very hard to understand.

Benefits? I want to be able to not have the thoughts in my mind of the assault. I do not want the vision of what I see in my thoughts. I hate feeling guilty for taking up time. I hate feeling out of control regarding all that I have had happen. I hate feeling that my insecurities are shameful and harmful. I hate being locked in a way that always wants to keep me safe. I hate compensating for what has been done.

18. Last question, part 1: are you willing to talk about this more with me (you therapist/pastor), even if it's tough?

I have been doing so and it has been tough. I have been sharing at the expense of having my Pastor walk away from this. PM was the first person. PD is the second person. But, the time devoted? I have felt so many emotions about all of this. First PM, then JC, then PM and now? I have no idea who to talk to. PM suggested that I talk to N. OH! NO!

Even though it is tough? I have shared the most personal with my Pastor and it has been with incredible difficulty. But, I can say one thing for certain. I have worked a long time to get past my attitudes. I have worked a long time to develop trust and for him to be the only one to be able to tell me how things are to be. I have worked a long time to develop trust and I do not want it violated or disrupted. I have discussed some very sensitive stuff. I have allowed my Pastor to read the beginning of these blogs. He does not read them anymore. He says that he has too much to do. I do understand.

But, I am uncertain about how things are progressing at this point. I wonder very much about him and his ability to continue thereafter. No matter what and no matter when, I will continue to move forward.  I may not be able to have him as my Face Man but I will always find a way to get this through.

Looking on. Pressing in. Facing forward.

Continuing within reason

There is much more to share with respect to all of this. Always. Regardless the content, I am working toward sharing and expressing my thoughts to the best of my ability. Continuing has been difficult in many aspects; I have been feeling the crunch of it all. But, as I have indicated in prior posts, I will not be deterred from this. It is far to important to me to not.

14. People who have been raped often find ways to prevent or "stuff" their emotions about what happened. Some people use drugs or alcohol, some may cut or hurt themselves, some have sex frequently with person they don't love, some become violent and "tough." What different behaviors have you used to stop your emotions about rape?

When I had read this, I had to literally stand in the mirror. When this had happened, I would cry, walk, and talk to other people about my difficulties. But because I was not understood or I had perceived that I was too intense or too much for people, I said that I would just keep it to myself and work my inner complexities myself and with the LORD. Sure, I would speak to JC time to time about things. But, I never had anticipated that I had so much hidden deep inside of me. I chose perfection. I chose to work hard on everything inside of me. I chose to make myself a better person by taking the time to take the time. What does that mean? I went to school. I continued to work on my goals and dreams and I continued to work on being so insecure and worried about what others thought of me. Frankly, I did not particularly care. I rationalized quite a bit and from there, just continued to not let outside things bother me.

I have never drank, done drugs, cut, or any self-injurious behavior. Perhaps working a lot was the issue. Then my kiddo came along and I had no to little choice about what I was supposed to be doing. I worked on me. But, along the way, I stayed to myself. I have not dated for a very long, long time. I had no intention of dating or cared to. I had been married twice before and from that point, said that I did not want to date anymore or to have any more men that I could not choose well with. "I do not have a good picker." My greatest deficit is that I have not dated. I have chosen not to and I do not plan to do so any time soon. Perhaps it has been lonely; but, I have chosen not to be close to another man. I have chosen not to be engaged in any relationship. I have never really thought of myself other than "slightly damaged goods" and so I have never anticipated being part of a relationship. PD had said to me that when this is all over, perhaps I might want to find someone to hold hands with. "No!" I emphatically said. If the reason why we are discussing this was because I would only be complete by having a "husband", then it is not for me. Then our conversations would be done and I would continue this walk of the journey by myself. Oddly enough, it seems that I will be chosing to do such.

The different behaviors that I might want to change from there is to be more open and inviting to others. As I look back, I have been inviting and welcoming, but I have been very staunch in the same regard. I have been working very hard on just being focused. I remember when I was dating A. This was in 1997 and I really had fallen for him. But, I was being taken advantage by him. I worked hard and he liked my rig, my income and liked to party. I took care of the bills and want-not. But, this is the issue. I would be attracted to men that were not attracted to me. At times, I have felt that I was "poor-white trash" when I was a single parent fighting with everything in me to stay afloat of bills and the kiddo. Then, I filled out paperwork for college and from there, ... well, here I am. I had said that I would never go through that again and he was the last person that I had dated. I have not dated since. It has been nearly 20 years since I have dated anyone. I just do not want to take any chances. The events of my life have been quite complicated and I simply do not want to add another person to the dynamics of my life. I would not find that fair. I have not prayed to have a husband nor do I care to ask about one. It is just not right or fair.

How can I change my emotion about the rape? For me, it happened 20 years ago. The behaviors that I am so accustomed to must be carefully picked at. I am not on an emotional hunting expedition; rather, I am looking forward to changing some behaviors that I know are very deep seated for me. The touching issue, for one. I also look forward to being able to be in a room with others without feeling so closed in. I will be working on that.

15. What question do you wish you could answer to yourself about your rape?

Why. I know this may seem quite common, but why? Why did this have to happen. I trusted him. And because of that, I do not trust being in a room with another man or by myself with another man or to trust my emotions with another man. I would like to know why this had to happen? Why is it that I could not stop this? Why was it that I just would not walk away? Now, I feel like this with PD and PM. Why is it that I just cannot walk away? This is much different. But, why is it that I just could not walk away? Why is it that I would go out in the car with him, hoping and believing that the date would go much better, hoping that the events of the night would not lead up to forced oral sex and then just get better? Why is it that I could not stop what was going on? Why is it that I would not just get out of the vehicle and ask for help? Why is it that this had to happen? Now, I do not trust what is going on with many. I do not open up and I do not allow myself to be placed in a situation where things could change. I simply do not trust. Now, with PD saying that he is here for me and "watching my back," I simply do not trust this. It is scary as all can be. Why? I do not want to continue and I am afraid of what is going to be coming up for me. I am afraid of doing this alone, but this has always been my concern. Doing this alone. I did not want to do chemo alone and for the most part, I have. I did not want to do any of this by myself and I have. What choice have I? Certainly, I cannot ask anyone to walk along with me. Not on this journey. No.

There are more questions to be asked. I will wait till the next time I post. I am getting quite emotional at the moment. I am concerned for one thing. I am concerned that I will be doing the next leg alone. I have been working very hard to figure so many events out and I have figured out two things: I am wondering about causes and I am wondering about how this has changed others who have said they would help. PM, for example, has been so changed in all of this. I have hated this tremendously. I believe that vicarious trauma has occurred. I believe that he has been injured in all of this--my diagnosis, chemo, radiation, the rape trauma, the kiddo. What else? What else can happen? I really do not want to think about it. I am concerned about so many things with respect to telling anyone else about my rape. Whenever the word "RAPE" is being used, it sends so much of a message to others. I do not want others to know about this. The only thing that I hear is "you need therapy." Ok. That is not why I have told you. That is not why I brought it up. The first thing that anyone says to me is: "have you gotten counseling". Well, I do not want to tell anyone if they look at me only as somone constantly in need. That just makes me not want to have anyone touch me all over again. If I am that disgusting to you, please, just stay away from me and do me a favor. DO NOT TOUCH ME! But, that will not do. I do not want to bring any more attention to myself than that which has already been done. I am working on one profound journey now. I do not want any attention drawn to me for the rape and I have to accept this walk again as my own.

I have accepted the fact that I have lost PM and now, I am willing to cut PD loose. I do not want to risk any more. This is something that I have been battling for some time. Since the death of my Deacon, my support system is lost. Or, I have perceived it to be lost. The widow, N, has a lot to be focusing on for herself. PM refuses to respond to me for anything and, he too, has lost a very important part of the church. PD has family in town and I am allowing this to be very quiet. I have expressed that he must be with family first before me. I cannot demand anything of his time. But, in this time, I have been thinking. PD does not believe that I have lost PM. In fact, PM has told me that all is "kool". But, this is before the death of D. Now, I think that this is just too much. What am I to believe? If I were to send him an email or to send him a text, it would not be responded to. What am I to think? How am I to proceed? What am I missing? Should I continue? I do not believe that I will continue. I must be brave and courageous about all of this. I must continue despite the odds.

Pushing on. Pressing in. Continuing despite the odds.

I shall not be faulted for continuing

While I have been reading this book, it has brought quite a bit of emotion up. I have been getting into the heart of matters and the ones that have been walking with me are getting tired. So, there is a point that will come when walking alone is going to come. But, it is ok. I know that I am strong enough to deal with some times when there is no one to be alongside. It is ok. I will not be afraid when I continue and I will not be faulted for wanting to continue. Sometimes, this may not be the most common thing to do; but, it is the right thing to do. Never give up. Never allow personal conflicts to stop you from doing what is right. Stay true to that course and never let outside events deter you from doing what is right. I will not. I will not be stopped and I will continue despite the course it takes me.

Today, I have felt quite alone. I have been wanting to call and speak to N but realize that her life is now in more turmoil than mine. Then, I feel quite a bit selfish. I wanted to talk to PD but personal events have it that he is unavailable. I wanted to talk to PM but that is no longer an option. Despite what I have been told, I do not believe that it is ever going to be an option. This past two years has tired him. Can I be faulted for this? I wrote a letter to KCM for some greater understanding. I hope that this will be far more clearer. I have been praying. In the meantime, I will continue with the questions. I will not allow conflict to prevent me from doing what is right.

12. If you've ever felt guilty or blamed yourself for the rape, what kinds of self-blaming thoughts have you had?

I have blamed myself for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I have blamed myself for knowing better. I have blamed myself for allowing such a thing to happen. When I have shared this with others, some have said some very rude things to me. PD had said to me, whether it was humorously or not, "just get over it, girl". That was not ok. Since that time, I have been very careful about what I do share with him. I have shared this with others, but conditionally. I do not like to share what has happened to me because I think of what others might think of me. I hate what I think of me. The difficulties that I have in enclosed places; the nightmares; the flashbacks that bring on strong emotion; the not caring or wanting to be touched. There is so much. There are so many things that I contend with that I hate. I do not care for it all and at times the burden is more than I would like in a day.

For the most part, the most self-blaming thoughts that I have had has been being in the same vehicle with him. I went back to the same thing again and again. Why did I do that? I see his body part all the time. I do not like that. For anything, I hate the words that he used and the forceful oral sex. I remember that the most. The rape was just the icing on the cake.

The comments that were made before, during and after all of this has made me feel small and incomplete as a woman. I abhor what has been done and feel like things will never be better or for me to get over things all that much. I feel as though I have merely accepted what has been done and that no matter what time has gone by, it will always be with me. I hate that it is with me.

13. Why do you think victims of rape tend to blame themselves and feel guilty for rape that someone else did to them?

I am not sure how to answer this question. This is something that I have not been able to get over. I hate that I have blamed myself. Victims of rape and other violent crimes do have high self-blame. Blaming themselves for knowing better or for not being able to walk away or to not be involved. But, for myself, I had always thought that I was able to protect myself. I cannot protect myself from everything. I cannot protect myself from events that may come my way. I cannot protect myself from others who might want to harm me. But, I can protect myself from what I know I can change.

I know that I have been blamed for what had happened to me. It is not my fault? I did not ask for this. I trusted and my trust was broken. Actually, it was shattered. So, now, I do not trust my emotions as well as trust my own thoughts. I know that I do not trust what others may say to me at times. But, one thing for certain is that I am not sure how to answer this question. This question is packed with quite a whallop. Someone did something wrong to me and there is not reason why it should have been done. It was the illness in him that created this transferrence of emotional baggage. This was not my fault. I know that my guilt is heavily based from being in a place where I should not have been. But, why is it that I cannot forgive myself? I was in a place doing something that I should not have been doing; but, it went further than what I had expected. It went violent and surreal. This is not ok.

I remember one thing that he had said during this. He had commented about how we women teased him. I wonder if he had done this to someone else. I remember that he had gotten his other girlfriend pregnant and she ended the pregnancy with an abortion. I wonder if he had raped her too. I wonder. I have always wondred about that. I do not remember her name or what she looked like.

I know one thing. I have to get through this. I have to be able to get past this guilt and shame over what had happened. To live with this guilt and shame is more than what I can handle at times. But, to talk to PD and PM? PM? No. Not any more. PD? I wonder.

Pushing in. Pressing on. Continuing despite.

Things that continue to change

So much has been going on this past week that has left me a bit somber. Last weekend, one of my most favorite of persons died unexpectedly in his sleep. He was my Deacon. He and his wife were strong support for days that I had had strange days. They were support to me regarding my kiddo and prayed with me when I was having flashbacks and the like. I am very sorrowful right now. I have been thinking about this for several days. Today, it has culminated to this point. I am somber because of the loss and do not know how to express myself in the duration. I am not sure who to express myself because so many in the church have lost a good friend and companion. I do not feel as though I have the right to be anything other than silent and reserved. I am grieving as well. I miss having them around and to be able to rely upon their laughter and support. I feel so selfish. I have only really gotten to know them this past couple of years while so many have known them for nearly 30 years. But, my feelings are just the same. I am hurting and I know that these long days will pass. As I continue to move on to my daily events, I will have some challenges and there will be days where they are lonely. But, I know that there will be days yet to come that will be very fulfilling and full of life and excitement.

I want so much for the days to come quickly and with a lot of enjoyment to follow. In the meantime, it is so hard. When I call and I just want to hear a soothing voice and it will not be there for some time. I feel so needy and inconsolable at this point. But, I know that it will pass. It is part of the grieving process. I feel angry as well. Angry that he is gone, but more angry that I am so angry. I should not be. I do not have a right to be. But, I do. I do not want to share these thoughts out-loud for someone to hear in fear that I might be judged harshly.

I will continue on despite the loss. I must express compassion and love during this time.

Pushing on. Pressing in. Continuing despite.