This has been a long week of sorts. I have been extremely tired but that is ok. I have been talking to many people about my nightmares and flashbacks and it is good to be "heard". I feel very comfortable with the idea that I am being understood and must accept this. My trust issue--I can feel that the boundaries are being stretched and worked. I am glad and leery at the same time. It is very uncomfortable to be sharing so much with some. I feel that my "zone" has been really encroached upon; however, I know that it is ok. There are so many times that I feel a retreat but that is just insecurity and knowing that it is fine and well to allow change. Some of this change is happening very quickly and I can feel the tug and pulls.
What I find to be very interesting is the manner in which information that I share is viewed by others. So much of what I have shared is by my own choice. I have lived for some time comfortable about what others do not know about me. And to some degree, I am looking forward to that again. But what is stirred up in me is what needs to be. As I will continue to be stirred up and allow to have come to the surface will be interesting. I am not entirely sure how I would like to have some things brought up. I realize that it must be done with a measure of safety for my own heart and emotions. I have been a private person for a very long time and to ask others to listen is pressing in on my flight reflexes. There are some things that are pressing harder than others: anger, resentment, bitterness, forgiveness, trust. I suppose the biggest of it all is trust. The crux of it all is whether or not I trust the hearer with things. But do I even have the trust to get to the "front door"? I am not that sure. I fight with this quite a bit and get to a point and feel like I am turning back to the starting line of sorts. I am not that keen on some things.
I know that I wrestle with quite a bit but this is just one of the biggest. I am in a comfortable zone at the moment and this is wearing well for the time being. I am not all that excited about moving forward but I know that I must. I know that I want to take my time with some things and push to just stay right where I am. I can honestly say that it scares me to move to a place where I have never been and do not care to be. I know that this is normal and to be expected. I know that things must change and from that point, it must be done carefully and willingly.
The places that I will go are not where I want to go. I know that I will have guidance but I am not sure that I want the company with it. This is very difficult to know that having others around, close, will be ok. At least, others that have all the details about the inner parts. I am realizing that the physical touching and the emotional touching are very much the same--incredibly trying. But, I am trying.
Pushing on. Pressing on. Trying on.
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