So the truth is out

So this is what I know for the day. I have had the longest day today battling the snow and the ice; I was on the freeway today and have spent the longest day behind the wheel of my rig. I had started the morning out with a revelation--I am a freakazoid. Yes, I have said it and the truth is out. Why do I consider myself a freakazoid? I was asked this today of my Pastor. Do I say this with pride or do I actually say this because this is the personification of what I truly feel? The truth is out. How do I feel and why do I feel this way? For the longest time, I have been discussing my feelings and what current state of mind that I am in. But, this is one of the deepest questions that I have been asked for some time. Why do I refer to myself as a freakazoid? Maybe I should call myself Nathaniel Hawthorne? It is hard to explain to another person the way a person can feel stained from the experience of sexual assault. Certainly, I have felt out of place from many because I feel like I am a geek as well. I am a nerd and love education and love the entire experience. I can easily hide in my books and my academia. But, the stain of sexual assault can stay with a person a whole lot longer than just hiding in books.

I cannot really say for how long I have felt like a freakazoid. I know that within the past several months since the cancer treatment that I have felt more deeply about things and how I have felt so out of place from others. Things have been stirred up--of course; I have discussed it. But, feeling like a different person from others is the pinch. I do not feel like others because of the stain from all of this. At times, I feel as though I have a huge "R" on my chest that says it all. I realize that not all know what is going on; however, that does not matter. I think differently from others. I am ever vigilant because of the assault. I do not trust like the next person. I question things more. I avoid certain situation and people. While I like to engage people in things, I do not want to be engaged--I like to be more in control over things so protect my heart. Yes, the truth is out. I like to have the comfort of being in my own control and to work within a comfort zone so that I do not put myself in the position of ever being victimized. I am a freakazoid.

I have had a lot of emotional releases. This is not my norm; however, I have never been through chemo before as well and so I can look back and say that I have been through the ringer with the emotions. These emotional upsets and outbursts also make me feel like a freakazoid. I have felt very imbalanced with these; too, I was told that I was pushed into chemo induced menopause. So, I understand the emotional mix. But what lies beneath the surface are emotions that were pushed to the top of everything because of the breaking point. Chemo created that breaking point. I hate crying. I hate being that vulnerable. I hate letting others know my emotions. I hate others seeing my emotions. I hate feeling as though I am being judged. My emotions have been on a roller coaster and for complete display. I am a freakazoid.

Now, the question is, should I feel like a freakazoid? I suppose that I should feel like anything that I want and nothing that I want. Feelings of inadequacy are hard to deal with. When I have felt so small at times and then so uncertain about things, it does not help. But, for the most part, the long lasting effects of the assault created a great breeding ground for all of this. I realize that I am different from others. Odd to say because I have felt this way for so long. These feelings have become a great bedfellow and I have grown accustomed to the way that I have felt. I am different. The rape made me different. The battle now is to recognize it and to tackle those feelings of difference. Where to start?

Pushing on. Pressing on. Freakazoid on?