For the most part, things are moving along. Today has been a day where I have been questioning myself and feeling overly insecure. I realize that the emotions of the chemo will really take effect; however, I am very vulnerable right now. I have spoken with Another G and she has said that we can meet at her house to chat about things. I am grateful. But, in the same regard, revealing this to another person is going to be quite interesting. My trust has go to be growing and I must relax and know that things are going to improve.
I am continuing to have great difficulty with the idea of being touched. I am resting on the fact that I do not have to be placed in a position where so many people are going to be around me. I know that I have explained before what it means to me to be touched. While it is important to be touched, it is where the touching will be. Handshakes are not issue. Being touched on the shoulder or the back is the issue. My work does not compound the issues; in fact, it is welcomed. I love to be touched by my clients and others who know what type of journey this is. They are respectful of what is going on. Not everyone knows about what is going on and so it is fine to be living in a comfort zone. I like my comfort zone. I have lived in this comfort zone for a very long time and I am very pleased to stay there. For the most part, I have been a very discreet woman and care to live by modesty. I do not like to live flamboyantly and reveal much. When my modesty was violated, it was hard to establish again. In the same regard, the chemo has really pushed the limits on my boundaries. I suppose all modesty is out the window when you have breast cancer.
Another G has reassured me that it is ok to be able to feel the way that I feel. I know that it is in a good season to be able to feel the emotions that I have. I do not care to let anyone know what is going on and I will be doing my best to refrain from answering any questions that I do not want to answer. It is hard to answer questions when I do not believe that the other person is legitimately interested.
I am feeling quite challenged. While I have been working hard to get through these dreams and flashbacks, I am finding myself becoming more withdrawn. I feel as though others are aware but they are not. I am getting tired of others being uncomfortable around me and I am and willing to chose to not be around as many so that they will feel comfortable again with themselves. I do not want to be around a whole lot of people for that matter. I get anxious, too, that if anyone is sick, I might catch something. I do not want that either.
I feel ashamed at times for even thinking that I will want to be living in a zone. But that is what it has to be. I will avoid. I will refrain from some activities and I will refrain from getting into activities that I am invited to. I am a freakazoid and I am not afraid to live like I need to.
I have to get through radiation. I have to get through being touched all over again in places that I have worked hard to keep covered. I should not be ashamed but I feel it. I simply do not want to be touched and I am willing to make sacrifices to prevent being touched. The nightmares and flashbacks have added to my angst and I am working hard to just get through it. I know that I can and I hope that it will be without a lot of questions. We shall hope. I want to be discreet and hopefully undetected. Hopefully, when everyone understands that the chemo is done, then they will leave me alone. I do not want anyone to know about the radiation. Hopefully, I can keep that quiet.
Pushing on. Pressing on. Hoping on.
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