One of the most frustrating places to be is "not quite there". Although I feel many emotions, I do not feel like I have reached one place or another. I feel that I am approaching something that is going to take a set of emotions that I am not ready for. I know that I will have to address them without any worries or concerns. What I feel right now is a mixture of emotions that I commented about earlier. I know that these emotions are emerging because I am working on my own emotions and character. I really do not like the term "issues"--it appeals to a genre of inadequate descriptions. To the best of my efforts, I will not refer to my character needs as "issues".
For the most part, I am looking at several emotions. One of them is uncertainty. This uncertainty is preventing me from stepping into what I really need to be doing. While I am facing the overwhelming feelings of being touched in certain settings, I am uncertain as to whom I choose to allow to touch me. I think and rehearse who these persons might be and from that point, I am very apprehensive. I know that these feelings are very valid; in the same regard, these emotions should not be crippling. I am able to navigate through the mixture of things but with extreme restraint. I have never been a person to question myself; however, I find myself doing just that. I ask myself "should I do this" or "should I do that". I rehearse things to see what the best outcome would be. At work, I can choose whom to touch and the reverse. When I am out in public, I have no worry about being touched. It is the stranger perspective. But, for the general people that are closer to me, I have a greater difficulty.
Another in between is anger. Although there is two sets of triggers--the cancer treatment and the outcome of the rape, I need to distinguish them both. I do not like being sick and having my life turned upside down is not ok. But the outcome of the rape is the hardest. This has stayed with me the longest. As much as I try, I do not feel complete. I feel partial and that does make me angry. There are many things that anger me about the rape that cannot be explained. Feeling less than what I am is one of the worst. I do not feel comfortable in groups that I am unfamiliar with. I do not relate to some people because of it. There is self doubt. I question myself on things that I do not normally worry about. At times, I languor over thing that I should not. These changes about myself have been more predominant since the cancer and treatment; just the same, these are far more evident and it angers me. I recognize that these emotions and mechanisms have been here for some time and I have been able to compensate and not have others recognize that these behaviors have existed. I look forward to no one knowing about them again. They are fixed and it creates feelings of inadequacy. I look at others and think that what they know of me makes me feel miles away from them. I know that I should not feel like that; but I do. I suppose that these feelings and emotions have kept me separate from many for some time. This has been a comfort zone. I do realize, too, that I have allowed myself to go through the changes. These places of the "in between" are very scary.
Another feeling is resentment. I know that resentment is just an unchecked emotion that recognizes the lack and insufficiency. Resentment is a place where I know that I have to work on my own self-esteem and perspective. I must be able to look in the "mirror" and feel comfortable about what is inside and what is going on. I should not be worried or concerned about what the "other" is going through. It should not matter. But, the resentment is that others are appearing to be doing better over circumstances that I have not been able to gain any ground on. This is upsetting and stumbles me at times. I have to work on that some. Too, the resentment is centered toward myself at times. I resent myself for having gone through this and it is completely irritating. I must be careful about self-blame. This bubbles up time to time. "If I had never met this person" and the blame goes on. I resent him!
Pushing on. Pressing on. Working on.
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