Working

The beginning of the week has been set for me. I have started this day out with a bang--very tired and ready to go. Today, I have been preparing for this week. I could feel some emotions coming up and while I was mingling at church, these feelings came. Although I have not had any meltdowns for weeks, I have felt bottled up. I have been concentrating on the things of the kiddo and trying to focus my energy on taking care of those issues. This is exhausting.

I have been wrestling though. What has been bubbling to the surface again is hatred and bitterness. I realize that there will be many long days ahead that I will be working on these emotions and this will not be the last. For the most part, these emotions have not been overtaking me and they will not. I have been very good to keep a very close reign on myself and to recognize when I want to blow my stack. Again, I have not had a meltdown for several weeks and a "nuclear explosion" for just a bit longer. I feel that some things are getting easier to recognize and that my resolution and my control are getting just that much better. However, I am realizing that with such restraint, will come a release. I am working on better recognizing that release. I want to be able to find a great avenue to be able to release it without it becoming a problem for someone else. I am feeling very aggressive and am enjoying the feeling. But, looking around at others, I cannot find that outlet that I need or want. I am wondering very much.

I know, too, that with this kind of anger and resentment is coming some fear again. For some time, I have been very cautious about anyone coming behind me. These insecurities are very difficult to work with some times. I have been experiencing feelings of great overwhelm and need to keep walking around to remain focused. Too many people at one time is enough. But, too, I am feeling odd. I need to keep my feelings at a tight reign because I do not want to be venting or sharing anything any time soon. It has been enough for people to have been looking at me strangely because of the cancer, I do not want anyone looking at me strangely period. With the chemo nearly complete, radiation will start soon and this will really engage my emotions. I do not think that I can withstand going through the feelings of this and radiation. This will really trigger my rape trauma. I do have to say that I am worried and this has me a little upset and anxious. And this is not even about people looking at me strangely; rather, it is about people just not being there. That is what really has been eating away at me. There is a lot eating away at me. There is just so much going on right now that I could just take a long vacation and not want to come back; but, I know that running away is not the answer. These feelings are just so much and I do not want to visit any of them.

I have to remind myself that I should not be anxious about anything. I have to remind myself again and again that it will be ok. I have to encourage myself that it is ok to feel my feelings and to experience what I am experiencing. I hope that I can keep these feelings locked away for a little bit longer. I hope to get through these last couple of chemos and then I will be free for a little bit. When it is time for radiation, I hope that I will be able to keep this away from many and it will be just a matter of passe for them. I do not want anyone to know what is going on. This will take more out of me to keep things silent than to tell everyone. I cannot handle the lack of communication from people. If I have to keep things quiet and away, I will do so.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Working on.