What continues for the days ahead

I am determined. I have always been determined. The anniversary of the day is coming up and I am determined that it will not distract me. I am concerned that it will. I am having bad dreams and the flashbacks are getting to me again. I do realize that these are just a matter of my mind playing tricks on me and I do know that I am safe. I worry, though. I think at times he is going to show up at church and then I am trapped and stuck. One of the most difficult feelings to deal with is being trapped. I hate that feeling. I keep an eye on where I am and to make sure that I do not have a whole lot of people around. I make sure that I do not get stuck in tight places with too many people.

Today, I have been emotional. I can feel the emotions starting to well up. I really do not want these emotions to be in the way. I hate them like this. I get short tempered and irritating to others. Each year, is nearly the same. I do not like the holiday and try to just bury myself in obligations and such. I have looked on to the fireworks with bitterness and anger. Although the day was the 5th, it is this time of year that gets me the most. For several days, I am like this. I remember telling my brother about when it happened. There are some people that I just would rather not tell and he as one of them. Anther one is PM (but that is too late) and N. I will not tell the details about that day to her. It is too much for me. I do not want anyone else to have this in their heads or on their hearts.

I am not looking forward to this week. I have been experiencing more flashbacks this week and it is making me feel very uncomforatable. But, I can say that despite is all, I am well. I have been focusing on other events and trying to distract myself from the events of the week. I know that when this time of year comes around, it is very difficult to just get through. For several years, I just slid past this time of year. As I look back, I can see how I was compromised about the events that have led to this time. I have been excellent at burying my emotions and not allowing them to come to the surface. Now, I am working diligently at making sure that they do come to the surface and to show some sign about how difficult my days are becoming. When I am compromised, I am learning to show some signs of them and to allow certain persons privy rights to my emotions. It is not easy. I do not trust that well; however, when I do, then it is a matter of allowing that person or persons rights to understand my inner thoughts. I think hard and believe hard. I trust deep and long, and hard. Trust. It is a certain concept that is very difficult for me to simply engage in. It must be earned and it must be something that cannot be broken. Yes, I do have high expectations of trust. I cannot say it any different.

I am looking forward to the events of this week to come and to go. I am looking forward to the events of this upcoming week to be erased and then to be forgotten for the rest of my life. I am believing and hoping for the highest and the deepest.

Pushing on. Pressing in. Trusting on.

Shame and blame

I know that among all the emotions that I feel, shame and blame are the most predominant. Certainly, anger and hatred for what was done is very evident. But, shame and blame are always there. I remember when I was first sharing I had had the greatest difficulty in looking my Pastor in the eyes. The shame ran so deep. Over the following months, I would not be able to look him in the eyes. I did grow to be able to regain some semblance of respect. Now, nearly seven months later, things are very intersting. I can look back at everything that has been going on and see that the shame has not disappeared; rather, the shame has been addressed and to some extent remains just the same. When I was told "I challenge you to tell N about the rape" I looked at PM and thought very intently to myself a possibility of telling her. Then, I said no. I printed up several of my blog entries for her and then handed it to her for reading. I cannot share that with her. At that point, I did realize that the shame has not gone away. The shame of what was done has not left me. The shame has just been brought to light and acceptance has occurred. I have been accepted regardless my shame.

I look in the faces of some and then wonder about their perception of my shame. I am certain that not many understand what is going on, but who knows. I have walked with this shame for some time. I have also asked of PM to be patient with me in my shame for not being able to be touched. In some aspects, not being touched has a certain protection from such confrontation. To know that I will be touched gives me enough anxiety that I make every effort to avoid. I hate having to explain myself. But, even more so, I hate having to put someone on the spot of embarrassment; if I do not want to be touched, I just keep roving around so no one gets the clue. I really have such a difficult time with that at church. I used to sit and relax before service, but so many would come up to me and try to touch my shoulders or rub my back. I guess I understand what PM meant by "so many have tried to reach out to you". SD told me that I was hard to read before, I am harder to read now. I wonder what she means by that? But, I suppose that I could guess. I really do not care to be "read" so I have placed yet so many more safety features (for lack of a better word). I try hard to get beyond this and yet, it seems I always get to this point. I have to keep pushing onward with some of these corollaries.

I know that I have blamed myself for many things. I have blamed myself for not fighting harder. I have blamed myself for not avoiding him altogether. I have blamed myself for dating him a second time. I blame myself for being in his home. Even the conversations that I have had with PM, I experience shame when I percieve that I have done something wrong. And he has no understanding of this. Sometimes I wonder if they really do understand what I am going through or if they just want me to move along because I am too much for them to handle.

When I told PM that he could not handle my share, I was right. I also believe that he cannot handle my intensity. So, what do I do? I have to pray about it more.


Pressing in. Pushing on. Praying on.

Learning more

What an awesome event when we learn more about ourselves. Certainly, it is not the easiest to say that I like to learn about what makes me angry, upset, frustrated or all the above. I have to say that I am eager to learn more about what my triggers are; but, I like the most thing that I am learning more about going beyond and moving along. In previous postings, I have said that I am at the threshold of understanding anger. Yes, I am there. I am not just at the threshold, but I am in the door and I am looking around and seeing many things. Some of the things that I can see are not all that attractive; but, it is very important for me to be looking at. I must get there and I must look around and not be afraid of what I do see.

I am learning to be able to look at what does create the trigger that creates the anger. I know one particular trigger is when I am told what to do. I do not like having my choices taken from me. I do not care to have someone make decisions over me without my consent. One thing the rape did was to take my consent away. I do not like to have my consent removed from me. Learning to identify this is one thing; learning to move beyond it is yet another thing. Yes, there are certain things that will be taken from me that is not meant to be a violation. I do understand that the violation that I had been forced to endure is the cause of it all. I do not care for violation and when I see it in others, I get very irate and defensive. These emotions are very strong and I must be careful about how much I let show and how much others do see. I do realize that in the violation, I had lost all aspects of consent. I did not consent for this to happen and therefore I become very irritable when my consent is encroached upon and I have no alternative. When I feel challenged in that apect, I get very defensive. For the most part, I have hidden it very well over the years. But, not until this past year have I really had to be concerned about it being closer to the surface. There are so many things that are coming to the surface and it is good to see but the task of sorting them out is going to be very tedious.

Touching. I do not like the whole aspect of touching others as well as others touching me. This is something that I must be very particular with. Here recently, I have not wanted to do either. I have spoken in the previous postings that I do not mind the touching. However, just recently, I have not particularly cared to touch as well as be touched. When I do touch, it is with a lot of energy dispelled. There is always something with respect to this touching thing. I really hate it. That angers me. It angers me to be touched and it angers me to have to feel that it is important to touch. I could go without being touched for a while; but, I do realize that the challenge of being touched is important. The point of it all is that the challenge must exist in order for me to be able to move from one zone to another. This may not be comfortable; however, it is important to do.

I do realize that the anger that lies within is slowly being released. I do realize that the amount of anger that lies within stems from one huge issue--the violation. This has been there for a long time. I do hate that this has changed who I am. One thing that really has aggravated me these days is how I have shared the violation with PM, PD and N. I do not particularly care for that. I do not like that many know. This past year has been difficult. "Share Caren". Sure. I do not particularly care to have shared and I look back at it all with regret and revolt. I do know that I will be very careful in the future for whom I will be sharing things. One particular aspect of the sharing that I do not care about is that PM has that locked in his head. I do not care for that. It has changed the way he looks at me or even interacts with me. At times, I want to just escape into another church; however, I realize that the issue would follow me just the same. I tell SD that I cannot move along to another anything unless this matter is completely addressed. I hate this. I really look forward to this matter being resolved; however, I get concerned that this matter will never be resolved. I get concerned that this matter will haunt me for the rest of my days. And this makes me angry. It makes me angry that this mater is not resolved and will not allow me to move on and be prosperous.

Then I wonder about how much things would have been different if I had never told PM. The question I have is that how would things be now if I had never taken the time to tell him. How would things be different now if he was to be unaware of my past. So, should I continue to inform him of things? Is he able to continue to know what ails me or vexes me? What part of this is fair for him to know what is going on. How much more should I continue with? Is it his right to know because he is my Pastor? I really cannot say that I know these answers anymore. I really would like to know the answers. I know that I have been more than a handful with him on matters and I do not know how much I am willing to share anymore. My private concerns.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Learning more.

All diligence

I love that I am always reminded of encouraging things. Keeping my mind fixed and focused on what I know is right is the best answer to looking toward all diligence. Yet, another--guard your heart. I plan on doing just that. One of the most important aspects of guarding your heart is to know who you can talk to regarding the things that bother me the most. I have to be careful because I do not want my behaviors perceived as something odd or strange; however, they are.

Today, was a day that I had truly felt very odd and dirty. I really felt separated from many because of everything that has happened in the past. I do realize that my individual perceptions may not always be correct. I do look forward to only a few people understanding what is going on. The Fourth of July is coming and so is the anniversary of the dirty deed. Yea, the dirty deed. I suppose that I must be a little more aware of my initial behaviors because of that. I do realize that the emotions that have been buried for many years must be allowed to surface. And as they are, I must be willing to work on every single one of them as they emerge. I thought that my pastoral team would be there for this process, but I do believe that I misunderstood that function. Just the same, it will be very good to be able to just get on with the show.

I do know that as I have begun to examine the anatomy of anger, I am looking at things just a bit differently. I spoke of the triggers on my previous posting and now, I will be looking at more of the triggers to anger. I think all the time about what my triggers are. For the most part, I do not believe that all triggers are detrimental. Some triggers are meant to aid in the recognition of fight or flight responses. It is meant to provide a way out for a compromising situation that can protect. What is it that I need protection from? This perception of protection means that my emotions have been challenged and therefore, I must be able to look at the issue that is being addressed. I am not a fan of the word "issue" so I will be hunting for the best descriptive. Variable? Perhaps too mathematical. Challenge? Perhaps not descriptive enough. Corollary? That is it!!!! My corollary. The corollary for this trigger will be addressed as it emerges. What are my triggers? They may be circumstances, people, comments or other things that are random. For example, one day, PM had asked that I come into the other office at the BnG Club to look at an icon on the computer. Yes, it was a ruse. He was trying to help me with my concern of being in a small enclosed space and wanted to trick me into getting into "baby steps". The term he had used was a trigger--lured. This was very unkind and very difficult for me; I did express to him such. Triggers. Why are they so important? One day, there will be a trigger that will be too much. This is what I get concerned about. There have been triggers that have created flashbacks that I do not care for. There are triggers that have created times where the emotions are just too much and the days are spent in tears.

Are all triggers bad? No. There are triggers that are meant to be good for emotional cleansing. Emotional cleansing is good. As a woman, cleansing must happen for the emotions to be healthy and for them to be allowed to keep the physiologic and the emotional balanced. I know that during chemo, my emotions were very open. I needed to have them open. I had allowed them to be open and I was looking for every opportunity for them to be made available. There were many times where they were inconvenient; however, exercising emotions are very important. It is much like a physical workout. I was told that the chemo would be very harsh on my body; I would need to have eye drops and other lubricants for my body to be in good homeostasis. No! I will not take artificial this and that. I will exercise and allow my body to be filled with what is natural. Because I am not ordinarily an emotional woman, I did allow these emotions to be free. When they came, I did allow them to come. Yes, I did allow them the freedom to be there. Now, I have more healthy emotions and I can express them with greater health. This is important. We must always allow our emotions a healthy workout. Whether it be for crying, yelling, fear, anger, enjoyment, excitement, they must be made available. We were not meant to be emotionless. For years, I have been emotionless and that was not healthy nor good. I allowed the emotions to come. I had heard the voice of my LORD say "let them come". HE kept watch over my emotions for healthy release and now this walk is for my health and not for my detriment. I am a strategical person. I am willing and eager to get to the other side; to the other side, I will get there.

I am looking forward to understanding more about these triggers and what they mean to me as a whole person. I will be whole. I will be there on the other side to help others after such an ordeal. I am willing to be there when others say they cannot.

See you there!

Pushing on. Pressing in. Looking on.

Sometimes I wonder

Sometimes I wonder is there someone out there that is just as messed up as me? Then I find out that there are no real definitions of "messed up" because it is all relevant. No, I am not messed up. I have had to say many times that I am not what this is. I wish that I was someone else at times. I have to get by with a lot and without the assistance of a lot. Then I think about whose responsibility it is to get out of all of this. It is mine. I am responsible to seek and so therefore I am. I wonder about much. I wonder about my future. I wonder about what I hide. I wonder about my mingling with others. I wonder about feeling like this tomorrow. I wonder about feeling like this today. I wonder about what it feels like to live without anger, hatred, shame, doubt, fear, insecurities. Yea--put me back together. I really do not want to feel different from others. But, I am different from others. And for the most part, I have always embraced it; however, up till last year, did I feel like I could not embrace it. I have felt very different from others and now, I am not going to really fight. I am different than others and I will embrace my difference. I will be working and walking alone again for a season and am looking forward to this journey. I will be working again for that perfection that some may argue with. I will be looking for that perfection that will challenge me. I will be working with that perfection that will intimidate others. I will be working with that perfection that will instigate me to do more for others. I will be working with the perfection that will keep me under wraps for others and will help me get time to pass and get this all behind me. I am going to live with the choices that I make and from there I will embrace the change that I need to. I will be walking alone and that I will enjoy once again.

I am going to be wondering much. I realize that I will be making more entries and that will be good. I am looking forward to making more entries. I was told that perhaps these entries might be much for others to read; however, if they need a dictionary, then so be it. It will be working on the things that I know that I should and will. I will be embracing more and more. I will be looking at the anatomy of fear; the anatomy of hate; the anatomy of insecurity; the anatomy of a hug; the anatomy of touch and even more. I want to know. I want to learn. I want to get beyond this season and to move to another season.

I am wondering about a new label. I want a new label that I can hold that will not be deliterious. I want a new label that will speak about who and what I am. I love Metisse! I want a label for others that will be what I am. I am definitely a half-breed. I am defiinitely different than othres and I am not afraid to accept that. I do embrace the fact that what I hold dear inside of me is for the GLORY OF GOD. I know what I hold dear in me will be between the LORD and me. I know that what I have inside of me will be victorious because I am determined. I have had many bad head and heart days where the insecurity is just too much. I refuse!!! I want to be steadfast in the WORD and in my walk. I am determined.

I am bold. I think about N. The last conversation that I had had with her, I wanted to know about her thoughts about why she considered me to be intimidating. Yes, I am bold. She said that she is easily intimidated. Sure, that is for certain. I wonder how many are easily intimidated for that matter. Then, why is it that many cannot understand what intimidates them? I have to look at what intimidates me--the rape, cancer, others' perceptions of me. I look evil in the face all the time and I embrace the battle. Why is it that others do not feel the same way? Perhaps they do. But, to look at them I wonder. I wonder. N says that perhaps the LORD has paired us to help her not be so intimidating. I can say that I really do dislike presumptuousness. I hate that it is something that is in many. I do not like how many presume that I must be one thing or another. J called me an "instigator". I love it. If it means that it stirs people up, then so be it. But, I do believe that I am going to enjoy many upcoming things.

My determination remains. I will be continuing in this manner. I will be seeking answers without the assistance of others. I will be seeking information from places that I know will be willing to provide the answers without any strings attached. I will be working toward healing and I will attain it--even if it is going to bother some.

I am determined to continue on. I am determined to wonder on. I am determined to be what I am supposed to be in CHRIST.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Wondering on.

So be it

This is what I know. I must continue to press on and press in. Over the past several days, I have been experiencing many different emotions. I have said very clearly over the past several months that I will be very careful to identify my thoughts and not avoid the word "things". I know that I am very black and white about many things; never have I ever been told that I have to compromise myself for the benefits of others. I have been told that my expectations are too high and that I must change my expectations. I am very deeply stunned by this. I have looked at my expectations over the years and understand that I cannot change what I have come to understand about myself and others. I cannot compromise or be willing to be changed that might not bless the LORD.

I realize that I must accept many things. I have come to the conclusion that I must attend to my own--my attitude, feelings, emotions, actions/behavior. I am willing to exercise my own assessment and to place this before the LORD and be willing to allow HIM to change me according to HIS grace and good will. Yes, certainly, all change must be according to my will for it to happen. I want things to change and I want my current condition to change. One of which, is my anger. I do not have anger towards others; rather, I have anger that this happened. Assault, sexual or otherwise, changes a person. Granted. I have anger that is bubbling to the surface. I want this addressed. This anger prevents me from really reaching for the best. I keep avoiding because I do not want anyone to get that close before they see my anger. I keep people at bay and avoid certain relationships. Who is the one that suffers? Many. I do not like that. I am not trying to rationalize or validate my position; however, the position is what it is. So be it.

Validation is one topic that has been on my mind lately. Am I trying to validate my position? Why should I feel like I need to validate my anger? I have seen my anger come up here lately and it has not been very nice. The reprocussions of my anger are not good. I have a lot of anger buried deep within that has not been addressed. I am angry over much. I will do my best to address this succinctly. With the grace of GOD, it will be a good address and many should benefit from it. I have been looking at the anatomy of many things--the anatomy of a hug; the anatomy of a touch. But, the anatomy of anger. What an incredible task that will be. The anatomy of anger that grips a person. This is tainted with fear. I do know this. Fear has been a bedfellow and friend for many years. Now, it is time to not make it my ally but my foe. Fear and anger. They really do go hand in hand on many things. So, let us begin.

Hello fear. I have seen you for a very long time and I do not want to see you anymore. You have ruled me for far too long. You are no longer wanted and needed in my life. We will have many discussions and you are not welcome.

I know that fear and anger are very much so closely related. I have to say that I get very angry when others treat me so differently. For example, the issues that I have about being touched in certain places. One of my friends does not like me to refer to the assualt, so we have a code--the uh-huh. She is so funny. That makes me feel very comfortable. But, I hate it that I have seen others step back from me. I do not like that. It makes me feel very strange and very odd that this changes people and their way of fellowship with me. The fear that I see in others makes me angry. I cannot help the way this stain has been created in me; but, in one aspect, I suppose that I can appreciate the distance and the understanding that I receive for the way that I feel. What angers me the most is that I am different. I see it in so many. I hate the restrictions that this has created. I hate the special attention that I get from others that should not be. I hate that I am lesser of a person. I hate that I am not a whole person. I hate this stain. I hate that my emotions are very rocky. I hate the amount of crying that I have done. I hate that this will not go away.

I am afraid of much. I am afraid of being trapped. I am afraid of being told things. I am afraid of being rejected for my imperfections. I am afraid of being in places that are unfamiliar. I am afraid of being next to some people. I am afraid of these flashbacks happening more and more. I am afraid of some people touching me. I am afraid of people knowing what is inside of me from the stain.

I remember several weeks ago, the look that I had gotten from S when I was grabbed by PD. I cannot help this. I was not feeling all that well and from that point, I could not allow myself to do some things. This is one of my greatest fears--being caught in public with one of my fears out in the open. I hope that this will not happen again. But, if it does, I hope and pray that it is with someone that will understand and not be afraid of what is to come. I am afraid of lashing out because of my fear. If it happens, I pray for a great comfort zone. I am hoping and praying. So be it.

Pushing on. Pressing in. Being on.

Speaking of things that are

There is without the shadow of a doubt that I have things that I need to talk about. But, when I talk about them to others, it is frustrating to really hear all about the truth of it all. So, now, things are more constrained and I am left wondering what is next. Seems that my anger has gotten the best of me this week. Now, there is someone who is very upset and has indicated so. Not my intentions. But, I have been taking my discussions to PJ. Seems that the discussions are being slightly threatening. I knew that it would not go well, but I was told a long time ago that the "counseling" was done and that PM had already pushed it with the LORD. I do not agree with it, but I will respect it. I know that I will get the answers that I need from PJ. Not PM's PJ, but BHW PJ. I know that the answers will come as well when I push in to find them.

One thing that I have always known is that the way that anger has been with me. I look forward to understanding what I can do to identify it and then to be able to keep my mouth shut and my heart worked on. I look forward not only to be able to work that lock of my heart, but to get rid of it. I know that the healing is coming and I have seen so much of it already. But, there is still just so much that I am getting to the core of. I know that what will be uncovered and discovered will be quite the experience. I know that I am being watched over by my LORD and that what comes from it will be both exciting and scarey. I am not especially looking forward to it; however, it is necessary. I must find a safe place and work it through. I may ask PJ to pray with me regarding the issues of anger. I am looking forward to facing my fears and my anger. I want to look to the origins and I want to look where the LORD wants me to look.

I will be looking and it will be a good thing. I have been at the threshold for some time and now being in the room, I am bumping into things. I know that as I discover what makes me angry, I will be better able to understand my fellowship with others. But, in the meantime, I will be keeping a distance from others and that will be necessary. I will be keeping things going on over at BHW more. I will be working harder to maintain my fellowship in Tacoma and to keep those at bay at HLCC. I am looking forward to going to Tacoma and staying the entire day with the girl. She has been needing that time. I will be scheduling some quiet time and hopefully being able to just have an entire day at the pool or just whatever. I want some quiet time for myself as well so that I might be able to meditate on the WORD more.

Pressing in. Pushing on. Moving around more.

Things to learn

I have so much to learn and so much to get straight. For so long, I have been working so hard to overcome some things. With all of this in front of me, my anger has been really triggered. I know that I should not be angry over anything, but I am. Recently, I was told about our church picnic. I was told that it was going to be 50 miles or so out of town. How irritating can it be. I am finding that I am very irritable these past several days. I must keep a close eye on things with that. I do not want to be overly compromised regarding regular conversations. I must find a certain point of no return so that I am not offensive to anyone. This is an aspect of what I must look at for the anatomy of anger. I have many triggers and I must look at them carefully and to be able to recognize them when they are brought to the surface.

One trigger that I recognize is having my decisions made for me. I suppose that the decision of the picnic was not a wise one. Considering that I am a single parent and do not have all the equipment for a picnic/bbq, I am a little upset that an overnight picnic would be a great idea. Sure, these men are not the best ones in control of making such decisions. I suppose that the biggest issue would be that it is the "men" of the church that make decisions over the single women without consulting them. This is what gets me the best. Why were we not consulted about what might make it easier on us to have some fun? Afterall, we have to do so much in order to get from point A to point B. Why is it that we are not considered worthy to be consulted?

Triggers--I hate them. I feel at times that I am always asking for forgiveness for my attitude. Perhaps I should wear a sign that says "Rape victim--insecure--please forgive me!" Who knows. But, for the most part, it is the matter of understanding my triggers. I have to learn to contol and discipline my tongue to not get caught in a pit of yuck that would keep me there offending others.

I have noticed that these triggers can have a physical effect as well. Depending upon the trigger, I can get quite the posture. Posturing in the triggers makes a huge difference about how I am received. When I posture, I have to be careful to not be intimidating to others. Then again, sometimes it can be a lot of fun to make others recognize that I do not care to be messed with. At times there is security about being solitary. I do not have to explain myself to others as well as to the person/s that might be engaging me. I have prided myself in being strong minded; this may be a little over the top. I have noticed that there is a certain protection in this behavior. If I do not have to engage others in "small talk" then I am safe. I have never been a good one for small talk and therefore, I do not care to partake in it. When I have "small talk", it usually is not all that small. I like to talk about all kinds of things--politics to religion. Yes, the taboos of conversations. However, many avoid it so much. I like a good conversation that does not mean that it is heavy handed on one side; rather, that it is a logic based conversation with solid theory and concept. Yes, I am a strange animal. That is me. I like to be unique and I am not afraid of being who I am and what I am.

Pressing in. Pushing on. Look on.

Hard days are here

I do have to admit that there are hard days that I have seen and still more yet to come. Today, was one of the hardest days that I have seen in a long, long time. I was able to get to church this morning, but it was more difficult than anything else. I have had a migraine for a couple of days and it has been a doozie. I have been dizzy, nausous, irritable and just general malaise. I really hate these. But, the most frustrating thing has been this overwhelming intollerance to colognes and scents. No matter how much I try to sit and be ready to just relax, it does not work. I cannot handle it. But, what got me today was PD. I wanted prayer, but this was not going to work. My issues of being touched is enough; but, to pull me? That was more than enough. I hate coersion. I really hate that so much is not understood; I felt horrible this morning and it just was not understood. I worked hard to make it to church and from there, it turned out to be just too difficult.


Today, I felt like a freak all over again. I really do not like feeling like that. I hate having to explain some things; but, more importantly, I felt very vulnerable. I wanted prayer so much and by going up to be prayed for, I was extremely nauseated by PM's cologne. This is just too much. I am getting quite frustrated at the fact that all around me are colognes and strong scents. I had to take my bandanna out and cover my mouth and nose because it was so strong. Smells are bothering me to much. I have felt so horrible today that I should not have gone to church; but, I did. I ended up putting water on the bandanna and then wiping my face and my head. That helped some, but not enough. I ended up going back to my seat and just relaxed. Then, of course, PD came to me and wanted to know if I wanted prayer. Of course I did! But, the cologne. OH, can I just scream!! Then, I offered my hand to be helped up. Then the comment came. "But you did not want to be touched." Well, I was offering, but then at that point, it was a matter that I pulled my hand back quickly. He wanted me to go to the other room for prayer. That was it. I was triggered and I had to go. At that point, I did not want to be touched or dragged to the other room. I felt very uncomfortable and compromised. I understand that PD wanted to just be helpful; however, that was not the way to do it. I will have to get into a conversation with him to establish some type of protocol. I hope that he will not be uncomfortable about things.

I have no idea what to do about the cologne situation other than just avoid. Nothing good can come out avoiding. I am hoping that a solution will come very soon.

Pushing on. Pressing in. Moving forward.

Taking hold of these

For the most part, I know these insecurities. I have been working diligently to work on many things. I can feel many things starting to bubble up and I know that some things are going to surface more than others. My anger is one thing that I am needing to explore. I have been burying my anger for years. There are many things that I am angry about with respect to this violation. I am angry over the cancer. But, I am angry with myself. I must be very careful about misplaced anger and aggression towards others. I am very glad that I have my dojo time. I have taken that time and opportunity to work out stress and anxiety. I am working to concentrate on developing more discipline in my physical activity and strength.

I did talk to N yesterday. It is nice that I do have someone that I can chat with when my head and heart days are a little more than what I would like. This will be good when I do not have to email PM. I really do hate that I get up in the middle of the night and have a rough time. She said that I can call anytime day or night. I am really not all that keen on calling during the early hours of the day; but, she did say that it was ok.

Thus far, my anxiety is ok. I do not feel all that great. My evening started out with a migraine and went to nausea. I feel like I am coming down with a cold; I am cold and cannot warm up. I cannot wait to get back to bed and enjoy a good night sleep.

Pusing on. Pressing in. Looking on.

The impossible for the day

There is so much going on inside that I have been working through. Seems like it all the time. But, this is ok. This means that things are becoming resolved and I am looking forward to getting things resolved. I know that what lies within must come out. As I have written before, the anger of things is buried very deep. I have waxed things over for so long that when the anger does emerge, I hope that it will be guided very carefully.

Some of the things that I have been very hesitant to do is to seek others as "gatekeepers". With my mistrust alread, I do not know anyone who might actually want to be a gatekeeper for me. I was thinking of Sunday and I know one thing for certain--I really am having some areas being tromped on and I am very careful about my response. I can feel the anger come up and I do not want to be around some people when it happens. There is so much anger in me from everything. I hate that I am not a whole person at times. I have to fight my thoughts of insecurity and persistance. I hate that I cannot look and feel 100 percent at times. I am constantly reassuring myself of things. I have to reassure myself of relationships with others. At times, the battle of just feeling lesser is so much that I just retreat from others and return within. But now, the impossible for the day is to reach out. I really do not want to. I remember the day when PM told me to reach out. He told me to get to know others as a "close knit family". I told him, " I beg of you not to ask me to do that". I still feel that way, but I do realize the wisdom of that. It is magnified more when I have an issue of trusting. How to trust.

Now, for the day, trust is so important. I am sharing more information; but, I want to scream. I am in a place now where I have shared, I am vulnerable and I must trust my emotions to others who may/not understand. This is difficult for me. This is arcane to me. This is not what I want to do, but I must complete this. It makes me feel separate from others and I do not want that. I want to be free from my internal conversation of what others might think.

I want to not be worried about being bottled up as well. I want to be able to feel comfortable in places and not feel like I need to run or hide. One thing that I am looking forward to is being able to sit in a room with a bunch of other people and not feel like I want to bolt. Sunday, for example, at Family Fun Night, I sat next to PM for the games. I had one cheek on and one cheek off ready to go. Awkward!! And the cologne? That still bothers me. I hope that someday the smell of cologne will not upset me so.

But, fear captivates me. Anger makes me hide. It makes me retreat and not lean on others because I do not want anyone to know what is in me. It keeps me separated from others.

Pressing on. Pushing in. Not retreating on.

Wondering and pondering about things

Today was a day that I was expecting to be rather emotional; however, it was not. I was told by T that I looked much better than what I have been. I have to say, not having the monkey on my back about chemo and radiation is nice. So much has been removed from me and it is nice that things are easing. When I had gotten home from work, I was eager to head to church. I look forward to church more and more. Despite it all, it is awesome. Yes, I know there are so many areas of being trapped or touched or just being encroached upon. I am working diligently on trying to just be careful and knowing my surroundings. I do not care to be sitting too close to some.

I was very happy that PD was able to read the material that I had left with PM. It was nice to see that someone understood what I have been experiencing. Rape Trauma Syndrome/PTSD associated with the trauma is what I have been experiencing. My anxiety is higher these days and working through the anxiety is a chore that will be here for some time until the LORD sees it completely gone. I know that it will happen; in the meantime, I know that I am much more safer and that is more comforting now than ever. I am encouraged that I am understood and the pressure to move beyond is not as heavy. The LORD is guiding me in all of this and from that point, I am comforted to know that no matter if I am at the church or not, I am not going to be mocked, scoffed or harrassed for the difficulties that I have been experiencing. They are very real to me and that is the biggest hurdle.

I am eager for more time to go by. I want this to be further and further behind me. I feel a little more confident that my wishes are being respected; even more so, that I am being more understood. I have hated that I have not been understood the way that I know that I could be. I will continue to blog my thoughts. They are so much better for the time being.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Believing on.

Continuing education

I have noticed that I have not made a post in a very long time. As I have been completing the most difficult part of treatment, I have been working diligently on the issues that have vexed me. There have been many things that have been ongoing. The flashbacks are ongoing. I have had some very difficult ones and at the most difficult time as well--during radiation treatment. For the most part, the intensity is less and frequency the same. I continue to pray, listen to my music and to use positive self-talk to dispell these.

Since my last posting, I have had many events happen. I have been experiencing some very interesting challenges to my trust-o-meter. I have been chatting more to one of the ladies in my church--N. I am not entirely sure how I feel about this new and budding relationship of trust. I have noticed that very few people do understand what is going on and what has happened. As more people are growing to understand what is going on, I have been asked some very awkward questions. I have seen others try too hard to make things "better". PM was/is one of them. I did express that I do have difficulty in being in enclosed spaces. Not every enclosed space is difficult. There are some circumstances where the reminder of violation just comes back and is overwhelming. PM had taken it upon himself to try and "lure" me to "baby steps". Hmmm. I had to express to him that I was not there to have anyone "fix me". Yes, I am damaged goods. However, not so that I would need to be felt that I needed to be "fixed". No, walk with me. Walk with me. Literally and figuratively. I do have difficulties in trusting and relying upon others for the things that I should need. However, a day of testation is always needed. I am reminded again and again of the days when we needed help in our long and difficult days and there was none. But, even more so, the looks from others when they know that they should have been helping out and did not. Trust?

Now that I am not challenged with the added issues of treatment, some things are less taxing. However, I can see that PM has been taxed by all of this. I have shared with him some very heavy stuff and leaned upon him for things most difficult. My discussions about all things have been shifted from PM to JC. Yes, little JC--the Rock of Gibraltar. I remember one day, I had asked a question of PM and his was response was very disconcerting. He had said that if he felt that I needed to be referred to anyone he would do so. Fair enough; however, not so. I know that I have had some difficult days; however, please do not make me feel any more like a headcase than I already feel. Thank goodness for JC.

I still have quite a bit of bitterness and anger locked in me from so much. I hate that I have been stained so. I hate that I have had to go through cancer treatment. I hate that I have been separated from others. I hate that this will never be over--I wil be locked in a way that I feel different from others. But, I can say that I am very happy that I have learned to do more than just compensate. I am looking forward to conquering.

Pressing on. Conquering on.