Things to learn

I have so much to learn and so much to get straight. For so long, I have been working so hard to overcome some things. With all of this in front of me, my anger has been really triggered. I know that I should not be angry over anything, but I am. Recently, I was told about our church picnic. I was told that it was going to be 50 miles or so out of town. How irritating can it be. I am finding that I am very irritable these past several days. I must keep a close eye on things with that. I do not want to be overly compromised regarding regular conversations. I must find a certain point of no return so that I am not offensive to anyone. This is an aspect of what I must look at for the anatomy of anger. I have many triggers and I must look at them carefully and to be able to recognize them when they are brought to the surface.

One trigger that I recognize is having my decisions made for me. I suppose that the decision of the picnic was not a wise one. Considering that I am a single parent and do not have all the equipment for a picnic/bbq, I am a little upset that an overnight picnic would be a great idea. Sure, these men are not the best ones in control of making such decisions. I suppose that the biggest issue would be that it is the "men" of the church that make decisions over the single women without consulting them. This is what gets me the best. Why were we not consulted about what might make it easier on us to have some fun? Afterall, we have to do so much in order to get from point A to point B. Why is it that we are not considered worthy to be consulted?

Triggers--I hate them. I feel at times that I am always asking for forgiveness for my attitude. Perhaps I should wear a sign that says "Rape victim--insecure--please forgive me!" Who knows. But, for the most part, it is the matter of understanding my triggers. I have to learn to contol and discipline my tongue to not get caught in a pit of yuck that would keep me there offending others.

I have noticed that these triggers can have a physical effect as well. Depending upon the trigger, I can get quite the posture. Posturing in the triggers makes a huge difference about how I am received. When I posture, I have to be careful to not be intimidating to others. Then again, sometimes it can be a lot of fun to make others recognize that I do not care to be messed with. At times there is security about being solitary. I do not have to explain myself to others as well as to the person/s that might be engaging me. I have prided myself in being strong minded; this may be a little over the top. I have noticed that there is a certain protection in this behavior. If I do not have to engage others in "small talk" then I am safe. I have never been a good one for small talk and therefore, I do not care to partake in it. When I have "small talk", it usually is not all that small. I like to talk about all kinds of things--politics to religion. Yes, the taboos of conversations. However, many avoid it so much. I like a good conversation that does not mean that it is heavy handed on one side; rather, that it is a logic based conversation with solid theory and concept. Yes, I am a strange animal. That is me. I like to be unique and I am not afraid of being who I am and what I am.

Pressing in. Pushing on. Look on.