I am determined. I have always been determined. The anniversary of the day is coming up and I am determined that it will not distract me. I am concerned that it will. I am having bad dreams and the flashbacks are getting to me again. I do realize that these are just a matter of my mind playing tricks on me and I do know that I am safe. I worry, though. I think at times he is going to show up at church and then I am trapped and stuck. One of the most difficult feelings to deal with is being trapped. I hate that feeling. I keep an eye on where I am and to make sure that I do not have a whole lot of people around. I make sure that I do not get stuck in tight places with too many people.
Today, I have been emotional. I can feel the emotions starting to well up. I really do not want these emotions to be in the way. I hate them like this. I get short tempered and irritating to others. Each year, is nearly the same. I do not like the holiday and try to just bury myself in obligations and such. I have looked on to the fireworks with bitterness and anger. Although the day was the 5th, it is this time of year that gets me the most. For several days, I am like this. I remember telling my brother about when it happened. There are some people that I just would rather not tell and he as one of them. Anther one is PM (but that is too late) and N. I will not tell the details about that day to her. It is too much for me. I do not want anyone else to have this in their heads or on their hearts.
I am not looking forward to this week. I have been experiencing more flashbacks this week and it is making me feel very uncomforatable. But, I can say that despite is all, I am well. I have been focusing on other events and trying to distract myself from the events of the week. I know that when this time of year comes around, it is very difficult to just get through. For several years, I just slid past this time of year. As I look back, I can see how I was compromised about the events that have led to this time. I have been excellent at burying my emotions and not allowing them to come to the surface. Now, I am working diligently at making sure that they do come to the surface and to show some sign about how difficult my days are becoming. When I am compromised, I am learning to show some signs of them and to allow certain persons privy rights to my emotions. It is not easy. I do not trust that well; however, when I do, then it is a matter of allowing that person or persons rights to understand my inner thoughts. I think hard and believe hard. I trust deep and long, and hard. Trust. It is a certain concept that is very difficult for me to simply engage in. It must be earned and it must be something that cannot be broken. Yes, I do have high expectations of trust. I cannot say it any different.
I am looking forward to the events of this week to come and to go. I am looking forward to the events of this upcoming week to be erased and then to be forgotten for the rest of my life. I am believing and hoping for the highest and the deepest.
Pushing on. Pressing in. Trusting on.
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