Shame and blame

I know that among all the emotions that I feel, shame and blame are the most predominant. Certainly, anger and hatred for what was done is very evident. But, shame and blame are always there. I remember when I was first sharing I had had the greatest difficulty in looking my Pastor in the eyes. The shame ran so deep. Over the following months, I would not be able to look him in the eyes. I did grow to be able to regain some semblance of respect. Now, nearly seven months later, things are very intersting. I can look back at everything that has been going on and see that the shame has not disappeared; rather, the shame has been addressed and to some extent remains just the same. When I was told "I challenge you to tell N about the rape" I looked at PM and thought very intently to myself a possibility of telling her. Then, I said no. I printed up several of my blog entries for her and then handed it to her for reading. I cannot share that with her. At that point, I did realize that the shame has not gone away. The shame of what was done has not left me. The shame has just been brought to light and acceptance has occurred. I have been accepted regardless my shame.

I look in the faces of some and then wonder about their perception of my shame. I am certain that not many understand what is going on, but who knows. I have walked with this shame for some time. I have also asked of PM to be patient with me in my shame for not being able to be touched. In some aspects, not being touched has a certain protection from such confrontation. To know that I will be touched gives me enough anxiety that I make every effort to avoid. I hate having to explain myself. But, even more so, I hate having to put someone on the spot of embarrassment; if I do not want to be touched, I just keep roving around so no one gets the clue. I really have such a difficult time with that at church. I used to sit and relax before service, but so many would come up to me and try to touch my shoulders or rub my back. I guess I understand what PM meant by "so many have tried to reach out to you". SD told me that I was hard to read before, I am harder to read now. I wonder what she means by that? But, I suppose that I could guess. I really do not care to be "read" so I have placed yet so many more safety features (for lack of a better word). I try hard to get beyond this and yet, it seems I always get to this point. I have to keep pushing onward with some of these corollaries.

I know that I have blamed myself for many things. I have blamed myself for not fighting harder. I have blamed myself for not avoiding him altogether. I have blamed myself for dating him a second time. I blame myself for being in his home. Even the conversations that I have had with PM, I experience shame when I percieve that I have done something wrong. And he has no understanding of this. Sometimes I wonder if they really do understand what I am going through or if they just want me to move along because I am too much for them to handle.

When I told PM that he could not handle my share, I was right. I also believe that he cannot handle my intensity. So, what do I do? I have to pray about it more.


Pressing in. Pushing on. Praying on.