So be it

This is what I know. I must continue to press on and press in. Over the past several days, I have been experiencing many different emotions. I have said very clearly over the past several months that I will be very careful to identify my thoughts and not avoid the word "things". I know that I am very black and white about many things; never have I ever been told that I have to compromise myself for the benefits of others. I have been told that my expectations are too high and that I must change my expectations. I am very deeply stunned by this. I have looked at my expectations over the years and understand that I cannot change what I have come to understand about myself and others. I cannot compromise or be willing to be changed that might not bless the LORD.

I realize that I must accept many things. I have come to the conclusion that I must attend to my own--my attitude, feelings, emotions, actions/behavior. I am willing to exercise my own assessment and to place this before the LORD and be willing to allow HIM to change me according to HIS grace and good will. Yes, certainly, all change must be according to my will for it to happen. I want things to change and I want my current condition to change. One of which, is my anger. I do not have anger towards others; rather, I have anger that this happened. Assault, sexual or otherwise, changes a person. Granted. I have anger that is bubbling to the surface. I want this addressed. This anger prevents me from really reaching for the best. I keep avoiding because I do not want anyone to get that close before they see my anger. I keep people at bay and avoid certain relationships. Who is the one that suffers? Many. I do not like that. I am not trying to rationalize or validate my position; however, the position is what it is. So be it.

Validation is one topic that has been on my mind lately. Am I trying to validate my position? Why should I feel like I need to validate my anger? I have seen my anger come up here lately and it has not been very nice. The reprocussions of my anger are not good. I have a lot of anger buried deep within that has not been addressed. I am angry over much. I will do my best to address this succinctly. With the grace of GOD, it will be a good address and many should benefit from it. I have been looking at the anatomy of many things--the anatomy of a hug; the anatomy of a touch. But, the anatomy of anger. What an incredible task that will be. The anatomy of anger that grips a person. This is tainted with fear. I do know this. Fear has been a bedfellow and friend for many years. Now, it is time to not make it my ally but my foe. Fear and anger. They really do go hand in hand on many things. So, let us begin.

Hello fear. I have seen you for a very long time and I do not want to see you anymore. You have ruled me for far too long. You are no longer wanted and needed in my life. We will have many discussions and you are not welcome.

I know that fear and anger are very much so closely related. I have to say that I get very angry when others treat me so differently. For example, the issues that I have about being touched in certain places. One of my friends does not like me to refer to the assualt, so we have a code--the uh-huh. She is so funny. That makes me feel very comfortable. But, I hate it that I have seen others step back from me. I do not like that. It makes me feel very strange and very odd that this changes people and their way of fellowship with me. The fear that I see in others makes me angry. I cannot help the way this stain has been created in me; but, in one aspect, I suppose that I can appreciate the distance and the understanding that I receive for the way that I feel. What angers me the most is that I am different. I see it in so many. I hate the restrictions that this has created. I hate the special attention that I get from others that should not be. I hate that I am lesser of a person. I hate that I am not a whole person. I hate this stain. I hate that my emotions are very rocky. I hate the amount of crying that I have done. I hate that this will not go away.

I am afraid of much. I am afraid of being trapped. I am afraid of being told things. I am afraid of being rejected for my imperfections. I am afraid of being in places that are unfamiliar. I am afraid of being next to some people. I am afraid of these flashbacks happening more and more. I am afraid of some people touching me. I am afraid of people knowing what is inside of me from the stain.

I remember several weeks ago, the look that I had gotten from S when I was grabbed by PD. I cannot help this. I was not feeling all that well and from that point, I could not allow myself to do some things. This is one of my greatest fears--being caught in public with one of my fears out in the open. I hope that this will not happen again. But, if it does, I hope and pray that it is with someone that will understand and not be afraid of what is to come. I am afraid of lashing out because of my fear. If it happens, I pray for a great comfort zone. I am hoping and praying. So be it.

Pushing on. Pressing in. Being on.