All diligence

I love that I am always reminded of encouraging things. Keeping my mind fixed and focused on what I know is right is the best answer to looking toward all diligence. Yet, another--guard your heart. I plan on doing just that. One of the most important aspects of guarding your heart is to know who you can talk to regarding the things that bother me the most. I have to be careful because I do not want my behaviors perceived as something odd or strange; however, they are.

Today, was a day that I had truly felt very odd and dirty. I really felt separated from many because of everything that has happened in the past. I do realize that my individual perceptions may not always be correct. I do look forward to only a few people understanding what is going on. The Fourth of July is coming and so is the anniversary of the dirty deed. Yea, the dirty deed. I suppose that I must be a little more aware of my initial behaviors because of that. I do realize that the emotions that have been buried for many years must be allowed to surface. And as they are, I must be willing to work on every single one of them as they emerge. I thought that my pastoral team would be there for this process, but I do believe that I misunderstood that function. Just the same, it will be very good to be able to just get on with the show.

I do know that as I have begun to examine the anatomy of anger, I am looking at things just a bit differently. I spoke of the triggers on my previous posting and now, I will be looking at more of the triggers to anger. I think all the time about what my triggers are. For the most part, I do not believe that all triggers are detrimental. Some triggers are meant to aid in the recognition of fight or flight responses. It is meant to provide a way out for a compromising situation that can protect. What is it that I need protection from? This perception of protection means that my emotions have been challenged and therefore, I must be able to look at the issue that is being addressed. I am not a fan of the word "issue" so I will be hunting for the best descriptive. Variable? Perhaps too mathematical. Challenge? Perhaps not descriptive enough. Corollary? That is it!!!! My corollary. The corollary for this trigger will be addressed as it emerges. What are my triggers? They may be circumstances, people, comments or other things that are random. For example, one day, PM had asked that I come into the other office at the BnG Club to look at an icon on the computer. Yes, it was a ruse. He was trying to help me with my concern of being in a small enclosed space and wanted to trick me into getting into "baby steps". The term he had used was a trigger--lured. This was very unkind and very difficult for me; I did express to him such. Triggers. Why are they so important? One day, there will be a trigger that will be too much. This is what I get concerned about. There have been triggers that have created flashbacks that I do not care for. There are triggers that have created times where the emotions are just too much and the days are spent in tears.

Are all triggers bad? No. There are triggers that are meant to be good for emotional cleansing. Emotional cleansing is good. As a woman, cleansing must happen for the emotions to be healthy and for them to be allowed to keep the physiologic and the emotional balanced. I know that during chemo, my emotions were very open. I needed to have them open. I had allowed them to be open and I was looking for every opportunity for them to be made available. There were many times where they were inconvenient; however, exercising emotions are very important. It is much like a physical workout. I was told that the chemo would be very harsh on my body; I would need to have eye drops and other lubricants for my body to be in good homeostasis. No! I will not take artificial this and that. I will exercise and allow my body to be filled with what is natural. Because I am not ordinarily an emotional woman, I did allow these emotions to be free. When they came, I did allow them to come. Yes, I did allow them the freedom to be there. Now, I have more healthy emotions and I can express them with greater health. This is important. We must always allow our emotions a healthy workout. Whether it be for crying, yelling, fear, anger, enjoyment, excitement, they must be made available. We were not meant to be emotionless. For years, I have been emotionless and that was not healthy nor good. I allowed the emotions to come. I had heard the voice of my LORD say "let them come". HE kept watch over my emotions for healthy release and now this walk is for my health and not for my detriment. I am a strategical person. I am willing and eager to get to the other side; to the other side, I will get there.

I am looking forward to understanding more about these triggers and what they mean to me as a whole person. I will be whole. I will be there on the other side to help others after such an ordeal. I am willing to be there when others say they cannot.

See you there!

Pushing on. Pressing in. Looking on.