Hard days are here

I do have to admit that there are hard days that I have seen and still more yet to come. Today, was one of the hardest days that I have seen in a long, long time. I was able to get to church this morning, but it was more difficult than anything else. I have had a migraine for a couple of days and it has been a doozie. I have been dizzy, nausous, irritable and just general malaise. I really hate these. But, the most frustrating thing has been this overwhelming intollerance to colognes and scents. No matter how much I try to sit and be ready to just relax, it does not work. I cannot handle it. But, what got me today was PD. I wanted prayer, but this was not going to work. My issues of being touched is enough; but, to pull me? That was more than enough. I hate coersion. I really hate that so much is not understood; I felt horrible this morning and it just was not understood. I worked hard to make it to church and from there, it turned out to be just too difficult.


Today, I felt like a freak all over again. I really do not like feeling like that. I hate having to explain some things; but, more importantly, I felt very vulnerable. I wanted prayer so much and by going up to be prayed for, I was extremely nauseated by PM's cologne. This is just too much. I am getting quite frustrated at the fact that all around me are colognes and strong scents. I had to take my bandanna out and cover my mouth and nose because it was so strong. Smells are bothering me to much. I have felt so horrible today that I should not have gone to church; but, I did. I ended up putting water on the bandanna and then wiping my face and my head. That helped some, but not enough. I ended up going back to my seat and just relaxed. Then, of course, PD came to me and wanted to know if I wanted prayer. Of course I did! But, the cologne. OH, can I just scream!! Then, I offered my hand to be helped up. Then the comment came. "But you did not want to be touched." Well, I was offering, but then at that point, it was a matter that I pulled my hand back quickly. He wanted me to go to the other room for prayer. That was it. I was triggered and I had to go. At that point, I did not want to be touched or dragged to the other room. I felt very uncomfortable and compromised. I understand that PD wanted to just be helpful; however, that was not the way to do it. I will have to get into a conversation with him to establish some type of protocol. I hope that he will not be uncomfortable about things.

I have no idea what to do about the cologne situation other than just avoid. Nothing good can come out avoiding. I am hoping that a solution will come very soon.

Pushing on. Pressing in. Moving forward.