The impossible for the day

There is so much going on inside that I have been working through. Seems like it all the time. But, this is ok. This means that things are becoming resolved and I am looking forward to getting things resolved. I know that what lies within must come out. As I have written before, the anger of things is buried very deep. I have waxed things over for so long that when the anger does emerge, I hope that it will be guided very carefully.

Some of the things that I have been very hesitant to do is to seek others as "gatekeepers". With my mistrust alread, I do not know anyone who might actually want to be a gatekeeper for me. I was thinking of Sunday and I know one thing for certain--I really am having some areas being tromped on and I am very careful about my response. I can feel the anger come up and I do not want to be around some people when it happens. There is so much anger in me from everything. I hate that I am not a whole person at times. I have to fight my thoughts of insecurity and persistance. I hate that I cannot look and feel 100 percent at times. I am constantly reassuring myself of things. I have to reassure myself of relationships with others. At times, the battle of just feeling lesser is so much that I just retreat from others and return within. But now, the impossible for the day is to reach out. I really do not want to. I remember the day when PM told me to reach out. He told me to get to know others as a "close knit family". I told him, " I beg of you not to ask me to do that". I still feel that way, but I do realize the wisdom of that. It is magnified more when I have an issue of trusting. How to trust.

Now, for the day, trust is so important. I am sharing more information; but, I want to scream. I am in a place now where I have shared, I am vulnerable and I must trust my emotions to others who may/not understand. This is difficult for me. This is arcane to me. This is not what I want to do, but I must complete this. It makes me feel separate from others and I do not want that. I want to be free from my internal conversation of what others might think.

I want to not be worried about being bottled up as well. I want to be able to feel comfortable in places and not feel like I need to run or hide. One thing that I am looking forward to is being able to sit in a room with a bunch of other people and not feel like I want to bolt. Sunday, for example, at Family Fun Night, I sat next to PM for the games. I had one cheek on and one cheek off ready to go. Awkward!! And the cologne? That still bothers me. I hope that someday the smell of cologne will not upset me so.

But, fear captivates me. Anger makes me hide. It makes me retreat and not lean on others because I do not want anyone to know what is in me. It keeps me separated from others.

Pressing on. Pushing in. Not retreating on.