Sometimes I wonder

Sometimes I wonder is there someone out there that is just as messed up as me? Then I find out that there are no real definitions of "messed up" because it is all relevant. No, I am not messed up. I have had to say many times that I am not what this is. I wish that I was someone else at times. I have to get by with a lot and without the assistance of a lot. Then I think about whose responsibility it is to get out of all of this. It is mine. I am responsible to seek and so therefore I am. I wonder about much. I wonder about my future. I wonder about what I hide. I wonder about my mingling with others. I wonder about feeling like this tomorrow. I wonder about feeling like this today. I wonder about what it feels like to live without anger, hatred, shame, doubt, fear, insecurities. Yea--put me back together. I really do not want to feel different from others. But, I am different from others. And for the most part, I have always embraced it; however, up till last year, did I feel like I could not embrace it. I have felt very different from others and now, I am not going to really fight. I am different than others and I will embrace my difference. I will be working and walking alone again for a season and am looking forward to this journey. I will be working again for that perfection that some may argue with. I will be looking for that perfection that will challenge me. I will be working with that perfection that will intimidate others. I will be working with that perfection that will instigate me to do more for others. I will be working with the perfection that will keep me under wraps for others and will help me get time to pass and get this all behind me. I am going to live with the choices that I make and from there I will embrace the change that I need to. I will be walking alone and that I will enjoy once again.

I am going to be wondering much. I realize that I will be making more entries and that will be good. I am looking forward to making more entries. I was told that perhaps these entries might be much for others to read; however, if they need a dictionary, then so be it. It will be working on the things that I know that I should and will. I will be embracing more and more. I will be looking at the anatomy of fear; the anatomy of hate; the anatomy of insecurity; the anatomy of a hug; the anatomy of touch and even more. I want to know. I want to learn. I want to get beyond this season and to move to another season.

I am wondering about a new label. I want a new label that I can hold that will not be deliterious. I want a new label that will speak about who and what I am. I love Metisse! I want a label for others that will be what I am. I am definitely a half-breed. I am defiinitely different than othres and I am not afraid to accept that. I do embrace the fact that what I hold dear inside of me is for the GLORY OF GOD. I know what I hold dear in me will be between the LORD and me. I know that what I have inside of me will be victorious because I am determined. I have had many bad head and heart days where the insecurity is just too much. I refuse!!! I want to be steadfast in the WORD and in my walk. I am determined.

I am bold. I think about N. The last conversation that I had had with her, I wanted to know about her thoughts about why she considered me to be intimidating. Yes, I am bold. She said that she is easily intimidated. Sure, that is for certain. I wonder how many are easily intimidated for that matter. Then, why is it that many cannot understand what intimidates them? I have to look at what intimidates me--the rape, cancer, others' perceptions of me. I look evil in the face all the time and I embrace the battle. Why is it that others do not feel the same way? Perhaps they do. But, to look at them I wonder. I wonder. N says that perhaps the LORD has paired us to help her not be so intimidating. I can say that I really do dislike presumptuousness. I hate that it is something that is in many. I do not like how many presume that I must be one thing or another. J called me an "instigator". I love it. If it means that it stirs people up, then so be it. But, I do believe that I am going to enjoy many upcoming things.

My determination remains. I will be continuing in this manner. I will be seeking answers without the assistance of others. I will be seeking information from places that I know will be willing to provide the answers without any strings attached. I will be working toward healing and I will attain it--even if it is going to bother some.

I am determined to continue on. I am determined to wonder on. I am determined to be what I am supposed to be in CHRIST.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Wondering on.