Learning more

What an awesome event when we learn more about ourselves. Certainly, it is not the easiest to say that I like to learn about what makes me angry, upset, frustrated or all the above. I have to say that I am eager to learn more about what my triggers are; but, I like the most thing that I am learning more about going beyond and moving along. In previous postings, I have said that I am at the threshold of understanding anger. Yes, I am there. I am not just at the threshold, but I am in the door and I am looking around and seeing many things. Some of the things that I can see are not all that attractive; but, it is very important for me to be looking at. I must get there and I must look around and not be afraid of what I do see.

I am learning to be able to look at what does create the trigger that creates the anger. I know one particular trigger is when I am told what to do. I do not like having my choices taken from me. I do not care to have someone make decisions over me without my consent. One thing the rape did was to take my consent away. I do not like to have my consent removed from me. Learning to identify this is one thing; learning to move beyond it is yet another thing. Yes, there are certain things that will be taken from me that is not meant to be a violation. I do understand that the violation that I had been forced to endure is the cause of it all. I do not care for violation and when I see it in others, I get very irate and defensive. These emotions are very strong and I must be careful about how much I let show and how much others do see. I do realize that in the violation, I had lost all aspects of consent. I did not consent for this to happen and therefore I become very irritable when my consent is encroached upon and I have no alternative. When I feel challenged in that apect, I get very defensive. For the most part, I have hidden it very well over the years. But, not until this past year have I really had to be concerned about it being closer to the surface. There are so many things that are coming to the surface and it is good to see but the task of sorting them out is going to be very tedious.

Touching. I do not like the whole aspect of touching others as well as others touching me. This is something that I must be very particular with. Here recently, I have not wanted to do either. I have spoken in the previous postings that I do not mind the touching. However, just recently, I have not particularly cared to touch as well as be touched. When I do touch, it is with a lot of energy dispelled. There is always something with respect to this touching thing. I really hate it. That angers me. It angers me to be touched and it angers me to have to feel that it is important to touch. I could go without being touched for a while; but, I do realize that the challenge of being touched is important. The point of it all is that the challenge must exist in order for me to be able to move from one zone to another. This may not be comfortable; however, it is important to do.

I do realize that the anger that lies within is slowly being released. I do realize that the amount of anger that lies within stems from one huge issue--the violation. This has been there for a long time. I do hate that this has changed who I am. One thing that really has aggravated me these days is how I have shared the violation with PM, PD and N. I do not particularly care for that. I do not like that many know. This past year has been difficult. "Share Caren". Sure. I do not particularly care to have shared and I look back at it all with regret and revolt. I do know that I will be very careful in the future for whom I will be sharing things. One particular aspect of the sharing that I do not care about is that PM has that locked in his head. I do not care for that. It has changed the way he looks at me or even interacts with me. At times, I want to just escape into another church; however, I realize that the issue would follow me just the same. I tell SD that I cannot move along to another anything unless this matter is completely addressed. I hate this. I really look forward to this matter being resolved; however, I get concerned that this matter will never be resolved. I get concerned that this matter will haunt me for the rest of my days. And this makes me angry. It makes me angry that this mater is not resolved and will not allow me to move on and be prosperous.

Then I wonder about how much things would have been different if I had never told PM. The question I have is that how would things be now if I had never taken the time to tell him. How would things be different now if he was to be unaware of my past. So, should I continue to inform him of things? Is he able to continue to know what ails me or vexes me? What part of this is fair for him to know what is going on. How much more should I continue with? Is it his right to know because he is my Pastor? I really cannot say that I know these answers anymore. I really would like to know the answers. I know that I have been more than a handful with him on matters and I do not know how much I am willing to share anymore. My private concerns.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Learning more.