In the door

Today, after having a very long week, I am happy to say that I am in the door. I realize many things about recent shares. My emotions this week have been centered on many thoughts and concerns. I have been successful about getting some of my obligations completed. But, I have to say that I have so many more that are ahead of me.

I am returning back to the topic of anger. This week, I have been experiencing the type of anger that is an instigator and motivator to get those obligations done. I have felt very insecure about my conversations with my Pastor. That is nothing that he has done; rather, it is something that I have inside of me. My insecurity. I have had many conversations with him about many different things and that angers me that I am not understanding some things. It angers me when someone does not respond back to me in a timely manner--that is my issue and no one else. I do not like silence; in fact, I hate it. It does anger me and that is something that has been used to manipulate me in times past. Silence. I do not like it. I find it to be the most irritating thing. Yes, I know that the family issue of the leader of my church is more important and that insecurity is going to be addressed. In time, this will mend and I will be able to peruse it much better.

I do realize today too, that the anger that I have had also has been very instrumental about putting up walls. Some walls can be used for strength and some for keeping outsiders from coming in. For me, it is both. When I feel misunderstood and excessively challenged, I put up walls. I have asked to be challenged because some walls should not be there. But the last several weeks have been more challenging than what I would like to say. I have been told things that have been rude and inappropriate. This has created more anger and instigated me to want to create physical harm. I know that this is wrong. The response that I have felt is that I have better get a good grip on myself before I say some things that I would regret. I have already done so with my Pastor. (He is a better man than what people realize. He has to put up with me.)

The anger that is dangerous is the type that actually makes me have extra energy. I feel the surge coming and I want to tear something up. When I have expressed this to my Pastor, I wonder if he knows exactly what I mean, but I think that he really does. The anger that I had experienced just recently was just that. I wanted to create physical harm. But, I did not. At times, this anger can be detrimental to my strength as well. It takes a lot of work to be that worked up and from that point, the cooling down time is very important. When I was younger, it would take me longer to cool down; now that I am older, it does not take long to cool me down, but then after that, I linger longer. I do not like to linger; but I take this to the LORD and am very careful to not act on it. I have learned to ask for forgiveness and despite what is going on, there is no excuse for me to behave poorly or to do something that is inappropriate. But oh! How I long to tear something up.

It is time to close the door for the night. I will be back.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Opening doors.

Approaching a door

After this past weekend, I have a better understanding of some things that bother me more. When talking to one of the men at the church, I realized that just simply discussing the cancer and chemo really angered me. But, why so much anger?

Anger. I have a lot of anger inside of me. I wonder where the anger was coming from. This anger comes from a long time ago and has been buried for a long, long time. This discussion of anger will come up again on other times and it must be addressed accordingly. I know that I am angry at this cancer. This cancer has stirred up so much that I feel like a whirling dervish. I feel separated from many and this is quite frustrating and annoying. In this anger, I have found that it is quite unattractive. What can I rationalize? The Bible says not to let your anger set with the sun. So, when your anger does set with the sun, then what happens?

Unchecked anger. When anger is not discussed, it becomes anchored in the heart, mind and soul. When it has an opportunity to grow, it creates a "garden" of its own. This place becomes an unholy place where many troubles can grow. We all know what it is. It is easily aroused and can create physical and mental illness. This can be counteracted with a healthy dose of forgiveness. But, if a person does not want to forgive, then this can be perpetuated. The anger can have a dark and vast existence. It can take up a lot of room in the heart, mind and the soul.

But, is this what I have? In some degrees, yes. I do forgive and I do allow my concerns to be addressed. But, I am also one individual that knows that the anger is still there. I will do my best to identify the areas of anger and then to address the ways to removing them.

Primarily, sexual assault can create anger that is deeper and harder to rid than anything else. I have been angry at myself for allowing this to happen. While I have been told that this is not my fault, to some degree it is. I should have never allowed myself to be in a place where there was not protection. But, to pick apart the areas of this relationship is not the point. The issue is that the rape created areas that need to be healed. I cannot say that my heart, mind and soul need repairing, rather they need complete healing. This healing process comes from being willing to be open and to discuss the very difficult things that abide within. This comes with extreme cost. Being open and vulnerable and knowing that judgment is going to come brings strength regardless. I have been judged and I have been mocked and ridiculed. Why should I be dismayed at this? I should not.

At the time of the rape, the anger and separation occurred when I stopped fighting. I had prided myself on always being able to fight. I was not able to fight this off. For some time, I was very angry at myself for not fighting. I was angry at others for not being there to protect me and angry at those individuals for not believing me. This is an area that I will explore even more later--not being believed.

One thing for certain that I do know--I must be willing to vacate this kind of anger. When it is gone, then that room must be filled with something else.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Forgiving on.

Memories

Well, the past couple of days have been very interesting. As I spoke with another person, we were discussing some emotional hurtles that might be perceived to be scary for others to know. Sheesh! please! Sometimes I hate that I have this big thing that I keep within in. I really hate that this has happened to me to be filed away and hidden in my memories. There are many things that I regret but this is something that is far beyond regret. This is something that is vile and cannot find a place in my memories that I would find ok to be. Where do you file things away like this? This week, I have felt a little more than just different. I have had a very interesting "head day". I do not think that I could explain it any different. I am approaching my next chemo treatment and I am feeling very apprehensive about the treatment. I was talking to G and he was saying that I should not feel that way because I already know what to expect. Sure, I do know what I will be expecting but it is just the same crappy. I would love to have someone be there with me but I will not ask. I cannot ask. No one can be there and I must accept this as what it is and just be ready. I wonder how I will feel about this in my memories when all of this is all said and done. I do not want to feel bitter or bothered by this but I can honestly say that I am feeling this way. I am feeling insecure and unstable about my feelings and who can touch me and what will be ok to have shared. I am feeling walled up. But, I do not see anything changing any time soon. I have to adjust this in my mind and my heart.

I feel very insecure about things and questioning things. But, I do not want to share my thoughts. I remember after the rape, I went through a time of not trusting anyone or even feeling incredibly insecure around people that I did not trust or know. This is how I am feeling right now. And the sad thing is that I cannot tell anyone. How would anyone understand? What I want is not what I am going to get. I know that I must be willing to continue this by myself and know that there will not be anyone to be there to just cry, sit, stare, oogle or anything else with me. My boss says that she cannot make it; I understand that very much. I know that she has a lot going on. With all of these emotions, I do not want her to see it. I must toughen up and get past this.

I must get over the feelings that are so overwhelming to me and get past the idea that my solitude is only mine. I know that some things will not and cannot happen. I understand that. I must get in closer touch with these feelings and then from there, continue on.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Feeling on.

Another day dawning

Yesterday, one of my friends that I have not seen in a very long time came over to deliver some Christmas presents. I was really amazed at this because I have not seen her in a long, long time. She wanted to know how things were coming along and I did express to her very clearly how they were. I am finding that I must temper myself to some things. I did express to her some things are making me feel very insecure. I have been feeling very exposed and quite cantakerous about it. My feelings are very open and exposed.

I am feeling walled in again. I am feeling a bit withdrawn about my feelings. I am getting very tired of trying to push forward only to feel as though I am losing ground again. My feelings of wanting to be touched are being tested again. I have been experiencing feelings of betrayal from some others. An event happened this week that has left me feeling mocked and scoffed. I had responded to this will extreme violence and vehamence. One of my triggers is being gossiped about and this triggered quite a bit in me that I would not like to see again. But, I know that I will see it again at another time.

Presently, I am having an issue with being touched--again. I know that this will be for a season and things will improve. However, I must be patient. I really do not want to be, but there is little choice.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Touching on?

What can I say

I have some needs for the week. I need to know some things but I am not sure that I want to vocalize them. What can I say? I remember some of these feelings from way back and the need of being told that I matter and that I am pretty and that there is nothing wrong with me. This weekend, I was told that I looked very nice by a couple of people. I got dressed up for church and so many looked and commented about me to others. Why is it that I have to dress up for a holiday for someone to give me a compliment? No one can possibly understand how I have felt so ugly from just all of these changes that have been going on in my body. But, I have to keep going with a smile on my face and to look like nothing is bothering me. I will. I will be very careful how to share.

I remember these days well when I would just look for the best opportunity to hear kind and good words. I remember the days of feeling so disliked, unwanted and degenerate and kept it to myself. I was told that the reason for the cancer was that GOD was trying to teach me something. This entire ordeal has been very difficult and very trying. I know that I have to encourage myself and to tell myself that I am very beautiful and desirable. I have to tell myself that this is only temporary. But what a difficult thing to do for myself.

After the rape, I do not know what kind of woman I was. Now, with this cancer, it is hard to say what kind of woman I am. There are those who like to tell me what kind of woman to be and there are others who avoid me because I am not the type of woman they want me to be. MAKE UP MY MIND FOR ME! Too many people do not understand this. Too many that do are not here to just be here and are far away.

I do have to say that I am very angry for having choices taken away from me. The most recent events from the gossip has made me feel the very same way. I am looking forward to moving on and for many to forget what has been going on. I am hoping that distance from this will be good and to keep this from many.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Moving on.

Choices

This week has been an especially difficult one for me. I was told something was done on my behalf and done so without my permission and consent. Then I was told "I hope you don't mind." Well, the choice was made for me and that it should not even be discussed. I do not like my choices taken from me and then to be tossed around so hap-hazardously. This has created in me a whole new intolerance of what some might consider "caring for you". I have felt incensed over this and would like others to know just how much I am very upset and frustrated over this event. However, I realize that the actors involved may never reach that understanding. I have to address this issue within myself because it has been a stumbling block for me all week. I realize that some issues are still so very live for me and are very hot topics.

Choices. There have been many choices made for me that I did not consent upon. This is a huge button for me and these individuals could never understand this. How can someone understand if they have not experienced these issues? I like consent. It allows me to have control over things that have been violated. I know the origins of these feelings and must work them out accordingly. I do know, however, how I will try to manipulate things to try and create a backlash. But I know that is wrong. My defense mechanisms have been engaged and I am not liking how this is making me feel. I know what these are and I am not happy about what I see. But, I do know they are there and I am aware of how I can behave.

After the rape, I remember how much of the defense mechanisms had hit. I am sure that if I had listened very carefully, I could hear the slide action of the deadbolt. This is what I feel right now. I feel as though I can hear the slide action of the deadbolt and I do not care to use oil for the mechanism. But, this is not ok. I can feel many emotions and how ugly they are and I am not feeling ok with this. I will have to address them.

Bitterness. For many things that have happened, I have experienced bitterness. No matter how I may rationalize these things, it is not ok. Bitterness should only remain after a certain season and then it must be replaced with a new range of emotions. I am looking to do that. I realize that there is quite a bit of bitterness that exists deep down. If I can see this, I wonder how others may be able to see this. I have to be sure to stand in the "mirror" and go fishing.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Going fishing.

Fear

This is something that I just do not understand. For the most part, there is a lot to be afraid of. But, when you have close friends, fear should have a healthy place and little respect. There is much to be said about fear. Fear can create more harm than good; however, fear can be a motivator and an instigator. I shared with someone tonight something very important and I ran the risk of quite a bit of fear. Big J was that person. I wonder how things will be now with him knowing. I am determined that what has happened will not prevent me from becoming the "most excellent" person that I know and want to be.

Fear of the unknown. There is much to be said about that. After chemo, things will not be the same. After radiation, things will not be the same as well. But, with everything out in the open, what will be thought of me. What is on the horizon? For some reason, I believe a lot more quiet and loneliness. In my experience, fear has made things very quiet and some just do not know how to address matters.

I was told by one not to say anything about the rape. I have to respect that. It happened to me. Not them. I have a lot of anger stirred up as well. Who can I discuss this openly with that it will not make them afraid to talk to me. What I have been told and what I have experienced are just not the same. It is not over and I just want to be told that it will be ok. I know that I will be fine. I look forward to turning the clock back a whole lot and understanding that it will be fine.

My emotions and my life are not the same and my emotions are very tumultuous. I have to remember to identify what "things" are. I do not like ambiguity.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Identifying on.

Next

It has been a week now that I have opened things to the world about what has happened. I am still being overly aware and am very careful about being touched. I have come to the understanding that it is ok to have these feelings. I was worried that I should not. I am. I am finding that I can express my feelings. However, I will not be sharing with so many. The idea of the judgment is very costly to me. I know that there is some hesitancy still about things discussed; I have to respect that. I know that I feel much better about some things; however, I still feel very torn. Where do I start? Emotions are so treacherous at times. When I feel as though the weight of things are off my shoulders, I realize that a new bunch of weights are added.

Weights. What shall I feel? Now that the greatest part of sharing has happened, there are these difficult times still surfacing. I am finding myself walking more and still uncertain about these overwhelming feelings and thoughts. Sure, I have unloaded many emotions. Now, they are laid out and open for all. What next? What shall I validate? I know that many cannot understand what I am experiencing and I am finding that I must validate some. I do not want to validate anymore. I still do not want to be overwhelmed at the whole prospect of everyone wanting to just have liberties.

Key. Trust. What do I trust in? What is it that I am not trusting in? Time is the healer of many things. I received a huge hug this weekend and it was what the doc had ordered. I am still afraid that what is "in there" is still not quite at the surface. Where to do I get that hug? Should I press in for more? I still feel a latent violent outburst coming. I feel that it is lying under a lot of anger and hatred and I know that this will be coming up in due time. I need to be prepared for that. I believe that this is much like the grieving process. I cannot remain in anger or grief for long because it needs to be carefully guided through prayer and supplication. I am looking forward to being touched and hugged by someone who will understand that they must be willing to handle the torrent of emotion. It is not there yet. It is coming and I can feel it. I do feel loads better; however, the insecurity is there.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Hoping on.

Thinking

It has been several days since I have spoken about these ugly things. Now that this has been posted, the whole prospect of someone close to me knowing more about me is very scary. The prospect of this level of engagement leaves me feeling very vulnerable. However, this is very important. I feel a safety and security about this; however, face-to-face engagement is going to be very interesting. I have not tested the waters about face-to-face engagement. I understand that I should not feel anything less than being accepted and comforted. But this overwhelming feeling of being judged vexes me. Random feelings have been popping up and I need to make some type of effort to assort them--what are these and why should I feel this way?

I do not want to misinterpret. I feel that I am. I am usually very good about understanding situations and reading them. But this has my mind busy. I do not like having my mind busy from this. It is quite irritating at times.

I am wondering about acceptance. Silly to think but that is ok. These emotions have been rocky. I have to understand that emotions cannot always be trusted.

I know this will be better.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Believing on.

Sleeping

I did not sleep well last night with my mind racing. These steroids did not help me at all. I worked hard to pray and I did. I was dozing off and then the thoughts of my hair coming up woke me again. What if people want to know what is going on? I am worrying about the constant buzz of talk and touching. This touching thing is really getting to me.

Door. Personal space. I was thinking hard about this very much last night. Personal space. My personal space has been violated on many occasions and I am feeling the after effects. Much like a ripple in the water, this is what I have been feeling and it is very interesting how it is manifesting now. I do not like this feeling at all because it is a deep seated insecurity. This insecurity has come from being forced to do something that I did not want to do. I think that the crud behind this door is going to be brought back up again. I need to find the "light switch" and get moving.

I do not have an issue in talking to anyone. I do not have an issue with meeting and greeting new persons. I do not even have an issue about being touched at work. I enjoy being touched at work from my folks. But, I do not want to be touched too much. I can only handle the load of so much at one time. I have noticed that it has effected my kiddo as well. I have noticed that the lack of touching has made a difference and so I have worked hard to touch every day.

Too, I am finding that I am misinterpreting some conversations. I have to learn to listen more and to keep silent. I have asked questions but then again, my New York mouth gets in the way. I am critical of my self and that is not ok when touching is an issue. I have to look up some of my material for this. I might haul myself downtown to the library and have a look in the stacks. And! get into some concordances!!

The key. Engagement. Do I really want to be engaged? Do I really want to have this door opened a lot? At this point in time, I am making this conditional. Certain people know how to open the door without any troubles. I have learned that trust makes a big difference. But, with this trust comes the understanding that judgment does not belong and it is not welcomed. Trust is another key that keeps the doors opened or closed.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Trusting more.

Opening doors

I am not entirely sure which door to open and so I will approach them carefully and uniquely. I have been sharing with some very key persons in my life the events that have changed me. My feelings right now are just very tumultuous. One thing that I am very certain is that these incredible feelings of being touched have not changed. I do not want to be touched. I am also feeling that the more that I say this, the guilt just rises. Should people know that I do not want to be touched? I have come to the resolve that there are things that I will choose to keep closed for more time.

I have been sarcastically told "Oh, yea, I remember. You do not want to be touched." I will be very careful to open about things. And too, I will have to learn to not be in places where that might be an issue. It makes me feel very angry and this anger cannot be voiced overnight. The walls will remain and I have to get a hold of these emotions and batten down the hatches. My feelings for not wanting to be touched are too overwhelming for some people to grasp. I will be modifying my comfort zone once again. I really have no intention of having to constantly explain myself. I chose not to share a long, long time ago and I am choosing to share now. I had said to the LORD then that the judgment that I had received was too much to bear. So, I said that it was between HIM and me. Now, this is feeling the same way. This door! is the most annoying.

I will continue to bring reading material with me wherever I go. I will continue to just be quiet and set aside. This is hard and quite frustrating. I will engage less and I will have conditional information. This "conditional" means that it will be in places that I know I will not have to cover up or that there is no concern about judgment. I do not want anyone to ask about "how are you". I will lie and just shine it on. I feel like I am loosing control from this massive share and I need to just be very careful about it all.

I am not trying to retreat, but I am not willing to be mocked and scoffed again for emotions that are very deep and difficult. It is too hard for me to bear. I have to cover up better. I have to protect my emotions to be sure that I do not feel like a train-wreck. It will be ok.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Advancing to doors.

What to follow

This last couple of days have been very confusing for me. While I have shared my seemingly life story, I feel very exposed. What do I say, how do I feel. Where to turn. One thing about sharing is the feelings that are left behind that are full of turmoil. This is where the work begins. I am very tired and I would like some things to be done with; however, for the work to be done, there has to be some effort put forth.

Emotions. I am very angry. I am expressing these emotions to anyone that really wants to know; but, I have shared with many. I am sharing this online. I am allowing myself to be examined by others and that scares me. These emotions are not serving me very well. Or, perhaps they are. They are emotions and they are coming to the surface. Now, I am wondering about other dynamics surrounding a free share. This is difficult.

Memories. What I remember is bringing sour "things" to mind. This I have carried with me for a while. I have been judged many times for the events of my life and I am taking extreme caution to share and to be allowed to be criticized. I feel the adage--damned if you do; damned if you don't. These memories have created so much in me that I do not completely understand; however, I am on the journey to do so.

I have been feeling like closing doors again. I have been feeling as though I am not being understood; but I know that these are simply emotions that are not serving me well. I want to close my eyes and have all of this go away. But, it will not. I am working hard. Now, I want to just have everything quiet and not challenge me.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Challenging on.

An ugly word

It is with added difficulty that I continue to share but it is worth it. There are many ugly words out there that can harm us. We are taught the "sticks and stones" ditty, but we do not completely share the aspect of just how some words are more harmful than others.

Rape is a very difficult word to say. It comes with great penalty of mind and heart. This word is more painful than cancer. But, pressing on is the most important task.

I recall the Sunday well when this happened. It was the 4th of July holiday and one of my best friends had just had her son. She was in the hospital another couple of days to undergo a "tubal". I had thought that day at service that things were going much better. The mood in the air was very strange and I was not looking forward to returning back to his house. But, we did. We ended up going down to his basement apartment and to "relax" on the couch. I recall that I was wearing my morning clothes from service. While I was in his "place", we were on his couch "wrestling". He was attempting to become intimate; however, he was never able to be intimate. He was not able to show the emotions that required it. As I was on my back on the couch, he had physically restrained me by holding both of my arms to both sides of the couch above my head. I was unable to move or to stop him from what was going on. I was beginning to be scared and told him to stop several times. However, he did not stop. No matter how I tried to move, it made no difference. I recall feeling very terrified and panicky that I could not move. I knew what he wanted and how it was going to be done. I do remember the look on his face. It was a look of determination and intent that I had not seen in a very long time. He had held me down which seemed like an eternity until I stopped moving. As his knees moved my legs apart, I knew that I had to give in and allowed myself to give in. I had prepared myself for what was going to happen and when it did, I was determined to leave as quickly as I could. I do not remember crying. I do not remember fighting anymore. I do not remember anything other than him and the look on his face. After everything was done, I was able to compose myself and return back upstairs.

Not too long after that, my friend had called to let me know about the baby and how she was doing. I hated that every year on his birthday I was reminded of that event. Too, I have always hated the 4th of July and have not intended to share it with anyone. I have been asked if I had filed charges but I did not. Date rape is the hardest to prove and can be the most traumatizing event ever.

I have shared. This has been the most difficult thing ever and to know that others will be reading this to find some hope lightens my heart. I look forward to good and better days.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Digesting on.

What to say

It is never an easy thing to discuss behavior when an individual perceives that they are at fault. Creating expression has become more challenging and very difficult. But, I will persevere and I will push on.

When I had left off, I was sharing about how we had become broken up. The marriage proposal was what had sent him away. It was hard for me for a little while to consider that he had stormed off because he had not gotten his way. I was very pleased that I had stood my ground and was not going to be compromised about his proposal, mood, temper and the answer that I had given him. To this day, I can remember what he looked like. His attitude was that I was marrying into a dynasty of sorts and that I needed to be strong like him to be part of the family. Again, this is classic transference and I was not going to allow a guilt trip to persuade me. I had thought long and hard about being married again and the level of commitment that was involved in all of this. He would not be able to meet that emotional level. I thought too, about an intimate relationship. What part of intimate would he be able to fulfill? At that point, I had no idea of what was going to happen and to what extent.

For the next several months, I was content to just hide what I had done, repented for what I had did and to work toward just working on me. I was very upset that this was going to be completely an uphill battle that I would not be able to discuss with anyone. Why would anyone want to listen?

Then, several months had passed and he had come back into my life. He had been away from the church for several months with other members of our "brat pack". I remember talking to one of them and asking how he was doing and where he was keeping himself. I was sincerely concerned. I was told, "Caren Marie--hah, I don't know". Then the day arrived when he had come back to the church. It was the most interesting thing that I had seen. I was excited to see him again but was not quite sure why. I realized that my feelings for him were beginning to run very deep. I was hesitant to really do anything else with him. I did not want to go anywhere with him and to make sure that we were always around others. I would be very standoffish toward him. I recall that I did not want to do anything that was not appropriate. But, we ended up talking. I remember that he was very apologetic for what he had said and that he had realized if I were to marry him, it would be out of love and not from compulsion. He knew what to say and how to say it. I had had old feelings reignited about how I had felt toward him. We had decided to meet after church for dinner and coffee and we had discussed that we would not enter into a relationship unless he could promise me that we would never have any more physical contact again. He had agreed and from that point, we were not in any hurry to do anything. At least, I was not in any hurry to do anything.

Somehow or another, we ended up in the same situation. We would end up at his place downstairs or in his car parking. Touching became more common and the boundaries were being crossed. I could feel that I was getting in a situation but I did not stand up and stop it. Looking back, this was a matter of months.

Things became more than just boundaries being violated. I became more and more uncomfortable with the relationship and the way that he was becoming changed slowly. Just like before, he was unable to keep an erection; oral stimulation was what he required/requested/needed. I was being forced physically to provide oral stimulation. He would not allow me to stop until he was emotionally satisfied. I would be crying the same time that I was being forced to provide this stimulation; but all he could say was how good he felt.

For a few more weeks, this would continue. I do not remember how often this would occur, but I do remember the hellish nightmare seeing him was becoming. Then, I had come to a point when I would tell him that it had to stop. It was within this short period of time that I would be raped.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Figuring on.

I am continuing

Well, because of a last minute change, I was not able to share after service. I am glad. I have been waiting for this like impending doom, but I know that it will be good. I have prayed about this and I know that it will be good. I have been assessing my emotions once again and finding that I am rationalizing less with respect to the outcomes. I am testing the waters as well. I have no idea what will be coming out of this other than some more emotional turmoil; however, it gets better. I have been compensating as well. I have been praying more and finding more ways to seek humorous moments and events.

Nonetheless, the events will continue. I am finding that I am more empowered in some aspects. I believe that addressing all of this will enable me to feel more whole and experience a greater purpose. The details of this are hard to handle; just the same, it is important for me to continue with all of them.

Empowerment. This is a great feeling. This empowerment comes when I have taken control over the situation and the circumstances that put me here are no longer keeping control over me. I am not going to be hostage over this stuff; rather, I am going to meet this head on. I believe that I have been doing so for some time. I have been willing to address the events that brought this to this point and that the physical and emotional strength to see this through will be there. I will be empowered.

Direction. In empowerment, a great outcome is renewed direction. I am looking forward to a clearer direction on how to navigate my feelings. I realize that these feelings do not serve me well; my emotions are the motivator for my direction. The feeling of empowerment should not be made to feel false but genuine. This direction will be something shy of momentous.

I will be sharing more on the events that have brought me thus far. The details are ready to be shared and ready to be provided.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Directing on.

At this threshold

Tomorrow, I will be sharing with my Pastor some of the deepest issues of my past. To say that I am very anxious is an understatement; however, it is necessary. I have been thinking of how to say this and how to plant myself as I say it. Is it too soon? I do not believe so. Actually, it is right on time. The feelings that I wrestle with are many. I will continue to address these.

Shame. This is a very strong emotion that has been a strong motivator for me. Through these overwhelming feelings, I have worked. I have worked in an effort to try and make up for something that was not my fault. I have said it. It was not my fault. I did not ask for this to happen; I had entrusted myself to someone that I had thought cared for me and it was his personal issues that created all of this.

Blame. For a very long time, I have blamed myself. Just as strong as shame (even in the same phonemes), blame is a strong motivator. It is easy to place blame when traumatic events occur. Blame should not happen and it is quite self-destructive. Life choices change when blame has a chance to take seed and grow. In an experience of victimization, blame should have a short life to live as the healing process begins. But, blame can last far too long if healing is stunted. Blame can stunt healing. Healing stunts blame.

When we share deep emotional gems (not issues), we share because we want to have some validation about our feelings. These gems are guarded carefully, and for some, a security placed. When these gems are broken, cracked, damaged or shards of what are of their former perspectives, walls are placed about. I have walls. I have reinforced walls. I have rationalized that not many can handle what I have to say. At times, I am correct. But, there are always listening ears that are qualified. Too, there are beautiful faces that are willing to sit and receive these emotional gems. Explaining to another person about deep feelings is not easy. It has never been designed to be easy. But, there is a great importance on allowing deep feelings to be expressed. Choose well.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Choosing well.

At a threshold

Yesterday, I had made the decision to share with my Pastor the complete events of the rape. My current Pastor was "ordained" to this church that I am attending now as a "sister church" to the church I had originally attended. While there have only been a couple people who have had most of the details, one has already passed away and the other is in my original church. My feelings today are very rocky and very uncertain. There are great amounts of [overwhelming] feelings of judgment, doubt, shame, guilt and uncertainty about sharing. My willingness is there; however, sharing what I am about to share leaves me with an incredible amount of fear of how this is going to sit with a Pastor. My Pastor and I have discussed many things. He has said that he is not a counselor; however, it is in him to do this. I have seen this. He has been a long-time friend as well and to trust him in this is important to me. I cannot handle his doubt in his abilities when I have full confidence that this can be done. I have seen him struggle with my emotions as he has watched me in this journey. I am fearful but I am confident that this is what I need to do. I have been holding this garbage in for nearly 18 years and it is time to be rid of it all.

I did not sleep well last night. I have been very tired from a migraine and this has been keeping me distracted. But, sharing all of this information has left me with the overwhelming feeling of not wanting to be touched. Certainly, at work I can be touched and vice versa . I enjoy being touched from my clients and things. But that is only for a few moments and not on a constant basis. I have an incredible time with that and avoid being touched with everything that is in me. I prefer not being touched at this point and for this to happen it comes with some incredible emotional strain.

I am tired. I am looking forward to some sleep. This upcoming storm is hard enough.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Walking to the doors.

Remembering things

As I continue with these memories, many feelings have resurfaced and have reestablished themselves. I know that I am learning to share more and to continue with the recollection of some very difficult memories. When I first had begun to be interested in this individual, I remember how much I was getting to be attracted to him. The way that he looked and smelled in cologne was very exciting to me. He was much taller than me and was very physically strong. I remember one day that we in the Brat Pack were at my place and were horse-playing around. He had picked me up and put me on his shoulder and put me upside down. I REALLY do not like being upside down. That really had startled him and I began to walk around to calm down. He had followed me and spoke to me trying to ease my fears. I recall that I had found that appealing in him that he was providing the appearance of caring and compassion. Not too much longer we had had our first sexual encounter. This is where my shame had started.

As a Christian, I did not believe that sex outside of marriage was acceptable or easily validated. I was placing myself in a position where I was loosing the protection of others. For several weeks after that, we did not have more sexual encounters. I had moved into my Aunt and Uncle's home and so traveling back and forth from to church was a long drive. So, to develop the relationship more, he would drive from his home, nearly 35 minutes away, and pick me up to go to church. We would spend the entire day closer to the church and at his mother's house where he lived in the basement apartment. We would often "horse around" at his place.

I had noticed that I was beginning to rationalize my walk with the LORD. I had started to feel waxed over and my shame became a little more deep seated. I cannot remember how many times that we had sexual encounters because they were not all that many. I had noticed one thing that was beginning to catch my concerns. I believed that he was becoming impotent. No matter how many times we attempted, the outcome was the same. He became more frustrated at his performance and it was becoming more evident.

I believe that we had been "dating" for several months and then one day, he appeared at my job while I was on break and proposed. I was shocked. I had missed being married but I had not been divorced long enough to be able to really think that I would be a good wife. There was so much to figure. At that point, I was given an ultimatum (the only thing that I can think of)--to be a -----, I had three days to consider his marriage proposal. For three days, I could not think of anything that would validate me being married again. When he asked me what my answer was, I had told him "no". At that point, we had separated and I did not see him again for at least six months. I had taken a deep breath and believed that I had done the right thing. I had to address my shame and to get in right standing and to push myself to do more in the church.

But, I did not realize that this was not the end. Shame has a way of motivating a person. This motivation may not always be healthy, but it is a means to an end.

More to share later.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Opening doors.

Brat Pack

After a while, this "brat pack" consisted of three guys and myself. Two of them had proposed to me. Although I had had a lot of "fun" going to the singles group functions, I could not see really getting into an intimate relationship at that time. But! I did have a lot of fun. We would go to a regular restaurant and have fellowship. I loved that! I have always had a crazy sense of humor. I love a good got and to get a good got. These guys were so funny that they could roll with the punches. Unfortunately, we had so much fun at the expense of another of the guys. For months we had done this--meet and enjoy fellowship. At some point, the guys would pay for my dinner. I had to admit that this was very new to me; I did expect that a "good man" should know that he is to take care of a woman's needs and paying for dinner/meal would be part of that.

We became an inseparable group. When at church, we would sit together and razz each other during service. It would be fun to bring in mints into the sanctuary and pass them around. However, I did not realize that this "brat pack" was becoming more dysfunctional. These relationships were very subtle. Then one of the other guys had gotten on the "radar" of one of the heads at the church. Not too much longer did this individual get shuffled out and we did not see him much longer. Just the same, we would go all places together.

Then at one time, I was asked if it was ok to come over to my home and meet my family. I had to admit that it was a great aspect. I did want my family to approve of the individuals that I had met and this was great. My Uncle was a hoot though. I had gotten the speech about having men in the home and not being chaperoned. That was great! I had gotten the speech!

I do remember that this guy had shown up dressed nice and smelled very good. I was impressed. One of my greatest weaknesses is a well-dressed, clean shaven, nicely groomed man that smells good. I suppose this was the point that I was really hooked. We were becoming more of a couple at this point and I was happy for that to happen. He knew how much I was lonely and how much I had longed for affection. It was very obvious.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Approaching doors.